My God Story

Henry Blackaby, author of the book "Experiencing God", couldn't sum up the heart of my God story better when he wrote, "Some have lost hope that they can experience the reality of God's presence in their lives. They don't need your philosophies or theological speculations...They need to hear from someone who has just come from a personal, life changing encounter with Jesus Christ... Your responsibility will not be to convince others of the reality of God, but to simply bear witness to what your Lord has said and done for you. The change in your life will be your greatest testimony of your relationship to Christ." May you be blessed and encouraged by what Jesus has done for me, because He can do the same for you too.

(Updated April 04, 2010)

Everyone bears some scars on their soul. Scars that come from the wounds of our past - wounds that for many still need to heal. For me, my wounds came from my childhood years. I was bullied at school, emotionally starved at home, had low self esteem, lacked confidence and had a sense of complete worthlessness. My life revolved around coping with my insecurities, protecting myself from bullies and trying to please people. I was an escapist; picturing myself as someone or somewhere else helped me with my insecurities, but my reality was something that I knew I could never escape. I thought I would always be in the life I hated.

I attended church when I was growing up. Although it was nominal it introduced me to the concepts of God, faith and the commands found in the Bible. There were lots of old people there, and I thought it sad that when they all died there would be no more churches at all, thinking every church was like mine! As teenagers my older brothers had joined a church that was very different from what I was used to. Everyone seemed happy to be there, and the service was livelier than in my church, where everyone looked kind of grumpy... My brothers also did things my parents didn’t do, like pray before eating. There was this unexplainable peace and joy I could feel whenever I was around them.

I remember one of my brothers taking me to see a Billy Graham film. The film talked about how God created people, but then humanity chose to live a self-destructive life apart from God. But God didn’t just write off humanity; instead He sent Jesus to take the punishment for every human being in history by dying on a cross. Everyone who believed this and put their faith in Christ would have eternal life. The message of this movie was summed up in this Bible verse: “For God so loved the world that He gave His one and only son, that whoever believes in Him will not be lost, but have eternal life (John 3:16)”. When I saw this film I was in my early teens, and it really stirred something inside me and made me think about what I believed about God.

But as I grew older I had hardened towards God, blamed Him for my emotional pain, and became an atheist. This was after I, at age 15, became clinically depressed and had attempted suicide. For a while I was happy as an atheist, thinking I had control of my life, yet deep inside I knew there was a God. I couldn’t deny that I was in reality a spiritual person, and eventually I began my personal search for God.

My search even lead me twice down to the altar of my brother’s church, where people prayed for me to become a Christian. They said I should ask God to forgive me of my sins and ask Jesus into my heart, but I went away each time as the same person I was before. During this time I made a friend in school who said he dabbled in Satanism but then became what he called a “born again” Christian. I listened to him as I had an interest in the paranormal. I had also met a girl who said she was a practicing Satanist, and would tell me all kinds of freaky stuff that she was into. As I interacted with them, I could see the contrast in how they lived; I began to think that maybe, as far as what I believed about God, I was sitting on the fence. One time my friend had asked me to pray with him, during which he prayed for my salvation. I was very angry with him (after all, wasn’t I a Christian too?) but I was angry because deep inside I knew he was right. I wasn’t a Christian.

One night, I kept tossing and turning, dozing in and out of sleep. My Christian friend had come for a visit that day, and we spent some time with this “Satanist”, during which he told her about his faith in Jesus Christ. I remember facing the wall and suddenly feeling absolute horror. I even began to feel the sheets, thinking that in my terror I had wet the bed. I turned and saw in the dim light of my room a figure towering over me. I closed my eyes, thinking I was dreaming, but when I opened them it was still there. Then, I heard its voice speaking to me. I didn’t hear it with my ears but rather I could hear it inside my head, telling me to stay away from the girl we had visited earlier that day. I had never believed in evil spirits until that very moment.

It was just one of many events that were propelling me towards a life changing decision. Looking back I can see that my conversion was not something that was instant, but rather a process. I was getting to a point where I needed to give in to God, knowing that He was right and I was wrong about who I lived my life for. I finally reached that point in the solitary of my bedroom. There were no words in my prayer, but rather a heartfelt desire for God. The moment I desired God I was filled with a powerful sense of peace and joy. It literally entered my body and stayed there, and at that moment my life was changed forever. As my Christian friend lived some distance away, it took me a day or two to realize what had happened – I had become a Christian. I came to this conclusion because I remembered that this sense of peace that was in me I had felt before in the homes of my Christian brothers.

I knew I was a changed person; my depression subsided and I even took myself off of my anti-depressants. I felt more positive about myself, I worried less and I began to change in the way I lived. I started watching my language and I stopped listening to most of my old music; the lyrics, which seemed to focus on living for yourself, didn’t add up to my newfound sense of purpose. As I have learned to follow Christ I have experienced the love, joy and peace I so desperately craved when I was younger. I’ve also encountered His power to change my character, provide for my needs and to use my dreams to honor Him. God also brought people into my life that loved, supported and encouraged me.

Since I came to faith in Christ several significant events have occurred in my life that I give God the glory to. The first was my marriage to my loving wife Angel. Through her God has taught me to be less selfish and more patient and caring. I can honestly say that marriage has been harder than I expected, but also better. The second has been my involvement at Calvary Baptist, where I continue to receive healing for my past hurts and grow in my faith and understanding of God’s ways. Having received a degree from Prairie Bible College I'm involved in a teaching ministry at Calvary, and I have a desire to do lay counseling and teach others to pray for the broken. Finally, God has blessed me and Angel with a daughter we have adopted. This wondrous child was given to us at Christmastime, 18 years after we sensed God speak to us about becoming parents during the season we celebrate Christ's birth. Our daughter is truly a miracle and a gift from God.

You might ask me, “How do you know that you are a Christian? What makes you so sure that these things are true?” I know in my heart and from the Bible that I have eternal life right now, and that death will bring me into the full experience of God’s loving and holy presence. I know in my heart and from the Bible that I am a child of God and that God is my Father, and that nothing can change that. Every day is an opportunity to grow in my faith and knowledge of God’s love and character.

I know these things for myself; I can’t know them for you. Only you can experience God for yourself, and the only way you can experience Him is to desire Him. For me, my desire is that God would continue to change my life; that I would grow in His love, power and character so that others would encounter the living God in me and put their faith in Jesus Christ.