Life, Post L.T.

It’s been over six weeks now since I stepped down from the leadership team at my church, and I’ve been able to look back and see how my life has changed since I gave up eldership and the pursuit of vocational ministry. At first I felt ripped apart inside, and I wondered if I had made a bad decision. Then there was the awkwardness of being released from eldership; when someone in leadership at Calvary steps aside they are publicly thanked before the congregation, prayed over and given a token of appreciation (in my case it was dinner out, and the amount was enough to take two of our close friends with us – which was a blessing to be sure). But as I stood with Angel at the front of our church, receiving prayer, I sensed the word “favor” being spoken to me by the Lord over and over again. And since that time I’ve been focusing on that – seeking the favor of Jesus in my life.

So having no title other than “child of God”, “disciple” or “friend of Jesus” has been sinking deeper into my heart since that Sunday, and I’ve eagerly been learning more about what it is to simply sit at the feet of Jesus. What that means is to be able to just be with Jesus and listen to Him without being restless and at work trying to please others (it’s a reference to the story of Mary and Martha in Luke 10). I’ve said in the past that I don’t need a formal position to serve others, and I’ve had some opportunity to do just that – either with people one on one or in a corporate setting. Recently I was involved in a luncheon at church, and some of what I did was pretty visible to people. During this time one of our college & career adults introduced me to her mom, who asked me if I was one of the pastors of the church. I simply said no, and a confused look came over her face. “Well then who are you, and what do you do?” she asked. I found the situation a little amusing as I smiled and replied, “I’m just a humble servant of God.”

While in some ways I feel a sense of freedom and growth these days there’s also been some challenges. I get asked by people why I’m not in leadership anymore, and I know that when we see Colin & Galya, who are coming back to Canada for a visit, I’ll definitely be asked by them too. They’ve seen first hand how hard leadership had been for me, and how I struggled with a sense of calling over the years. I feel in some respects that I have to justify to people why I made my decision, and yet I felt that I had to justify to others why I pursued pastoral ministry in the first place! I’ve also been dealing with a mild resurgence of my Depression again, which frustrates me. I feel so damn needy and it’s not that I think I shouldn’t have needs or be an island to myself, but that I feel like I’m surrounded by people who seem to have it all together – both believers and non-believers. It’s hard to live with brokenness and to have modeled dependency on Jesus when others look strong.

I get feedback from people, both direct and implied, that I’m still meant for vocational ministry and that this is all just part of the plan. Well, my reaction to that is “whatever.” While I still want to serve people I have no desire to do anything that looks “pastorish” – no sermons, no leading services, no weddings (for the moment I still have my license) or anything that has to do with formal leadership. My feeling is that I’ve wasted 20 years of my life chasing mirages, and that I could have learned the things I’ve learned while living a “normal” life. But what a normal life looks like for now is uncertain. I start my new full time position at the end of the month, and I still want to finish my degree (I hate loose ends, and not finishing what I started is a big loose end for me), but these days I’m taking it one day at a time and trying to enjoy everything that God sends my way. It’s a simple life, and I like it that way. So in a nutshell, that’s what life, post L.T., looks like for me.