I’m going to be very candid here, but before I dive into what I want to write about I want to say that I believe that God is good. So often we blame God for our failures and circumstances and we loose sight of this simple yet life changing truth. I may have lost faith in some things but it doesn’t mean I’ve lost my faith in Jesus. I may be disappointed and heartbroken about dreams that were shattered but I still have joy because of who God is and what He’s done for all of humanity, which is to redeem people from every tribe, language and nation to worship and give God the glory He so richly deserves.
When I was a teenager I sensed God calling me into pastoral ministry. That dream, that sense of calling has stayed with me up to this day, but I don’t believe anymore that it’s God’s will to be a pastor (which I know is confusing – at least it is to me!). When I say pastoral ministry, or to be a pastor, I mean having a formal position of leadership, be it vocational or even volunteer, where you give oversight to the church. You get mentored, go to Bible College or seminary, acquire practical skills and experience, and eventually a church hires you. That’s the way it’s been done and that’s the way it will be done for a long time to come. I’ve traveled down this path for years until I came to a dead end. After a lot of thought, prayer and talking with my fellow elders at Calvary (elders & pastors are pretty much that same thing) I made the choice to leave it all behind me.
So what led me to believe that I’m not called to pastoral ministry? There were a lot of little things too numerous to mention, but one reason is that there was no fruit to my labour. In Christian circles it’s been said that we should do our part and leave the results to God; that it’s not about results but our faithfulness to God that counts. I would have to argue that this notion is completely unbiblical and a load of garbage. So much about scripture speaks about people being faithful AND seeing God bring results to that faithfulness. Whether we’re talking about developing our character, serving others or showing generosity, the Bible speaks of God adding to our accomplishments. In my case I expected that if I was faithful in what little was given for me to do then more opportunities to serve would present themselves. They never came. The biggest opportunity I looked for was an offer of a staff position in a church, be it in my own or another congregation. And while there were some possibilities, they all evaporated like a mirage in the desert. But honestly, I don’t think I did a great job at what little was entrusted to me. So much of what I put my hand to seemed to turn to ashes, even though there were a few successes here & there.
Another reason is the lack of emotional and moral support. Pastoral ministry is hard. You are responsible for bringing spiritual guidance to the church; the analogy the Bible gives is that pastors are shepherds and the church is your flock. Well, if you know anything about sheep, they aren’t easy to shepherd. You deal with people’s problems, and sometimes you are their problem! My experience has been that those who oversee the church are treated like elected officials who answer to their constituents, as opposed to being appointed by God through the church body to exercise loving authority. You seldom get any encouragement, and if you do it’s either second hand or non-specific. I cringed whenever I heard the two words I hate to hear the most after I preached: Good sermon. That’s it, end of sentence. But if you messed up you definitely heard about it, second hand or in person, and boy you got details. You also know things that go on in the church that aren’t common knowledge, things you wish you didn’t know about. And because of confidentiality it stays that way, meaning you have few people to turn to when you need to vent. It’s hard on your emotions and it’s hard on your relationships, especially marriages.
The third & final reason I’ll talk about is the discouraging inconsistency I’ve seen between the theory and practice of developing leaders. In theory pastoral leaders are home grown, chosen for their character, who develop their skills and Bible knowledge as they serve in leadership. This is what I call an apprenticeship model of leadership development. These leaders I would call “blue-collar pastors” who may be either vocational or volunteer ministers. But my experience has been that leaders are more “white-collar pastors.” These are leaders who are people of character but are Bible College/seminary grads who may or may not have practical skills or experience, and may or may not already be a member in your church. This is what I call an academic model of leadership development. It’s ironic that churches insist on hiring white-collar pastors when 80% of seminary grads found that their formal education did NOT prepare them for real-life ministry! I’m not saying here that one is better than the other, but I do think that the apprenticeship model is more biblical and that a mix of the two is needed. Unfortunately, in my view, there is an imbalance that favors the professional clergy. And since I don't have any more money to pursue more education this puts a damper on any hope of a church hiring me.
I can go on and on here, but I wanted to give some explanation for my departure from leadership since it’s come up so often in conversation lately. Hopefully it’ll clarify things a bit since there’s a few misnomers about the whole thing. One is that I’m simply taking a break, and that I’ll be back in the saddle again. This is definitely not the case. Another (which surprised me) was that some thought I was already on staff with Calvary and that I’ve gotten another job. Again this definitely wasn’t the case. But I write this to also give people a glimpse into what pastoral ministry is like, and what people can do to help make their church leader’s jobs easier. Show respect for your pastors and church elders; don’t put them on a pedestal but don’t demean their role as spiritual fathers. Balance your feedback; give them constructive criticism but also affirm them in specific and even practical ways. Your pastor is often overworked, underpaid (or not paid at all) and probably lonely. Send them a card, give them a hug, treat them to dinner, tell them how you have been blessed by their service and be specific about it! And most important, pray for them and tell them you are praying for them. In the end they are people just like you and me, and they need you just as much as you them. Don’t give those who are truly called to be pastors any reason to walk away from their calling.
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