I want to believe

I want to believe. I want to be proven wrong when I don't believe. I want to be able to say that the things that God declares for us all have happened to me. That's pretty much the response I had this morning when I was in church, listening to the New Year's message. The last Sunday of each year Greg, my friend, mentor and pastor, preaches the New Year's sermon. It's usually one of challenge and encouragement; this year Greg contrasted the differences between two Bible characters, one (King Joash of Israel) who half-heartedly embraced the promises of God and another (Johnathan, son of Saul who was Israel's first king) who embraced them without reservation. Both were faced with enemies that God promised to defeat on Israel's behalf, but only one saw the nation delivered. The application for us today is that whatever God has destined for us, whether it's a calling or a victory over sin, He is there to deliver.

Looking back at this past year I've seen both blessing and disappointment, but I have to be honest here and say that it's the disappointment and loss I feel the most. I'm disappointed in so many areas of my life; spiritually, relationally, academically, paternally and vocationally. I feel like I'm at a dead end in just about every possible way. The only thing I see moving is our decision to become adoptive parents. Sure, I would have loved to have been granted a miracle and father a child with Angel. But after 17 years I have given up all hope of that, and draw comfort in knowing that just as I hurt over not having my own son or daughter that somewhere out there a child will become ours - one that hurts over not having a mom & dad. It just drives me nuts how sometimes we have to go through so much pain in order to come around to a place of blessing. I guess that's where Romans 8:28 comes in, where "we know that in all things God works for the good of those who love Him, who have been called according to His purposes."

I've seen bad situations unfold in my life where everything turned out better that I hoped for, like when we were looking for a home to buy two years ago when the housing market was so tight. Another example was back in the early 90s when I lost my job, but then through a job retraining program I got to enroll in disability studies (something I really wanted to take but didn't have the money) at Grant MacEwan College. I want to be able to say that once again God came through, but honestly I'm in a place of total unbelief. But as I said at the start of this post, I so want to be proven wrong. I want to confidently say that I can do all things through Christ who gives me strength.

I want to believe.