Life, Post L.T.

It’s been over six weeks now since I stepped down from the leadership team at my church, and I’ve been able to look back and see how my life has changed since I gave up eldership and the pursuit of vocational ministry. At first I felt ripped apart inside, and I wondered if I had made a bad decision. Then there was the awkwardness of being released from eldership; when someone in leadership at Calvary steps aside they are publicly thanked before the congregation, prayed over and given a token of appreciation (in my case it was dinner out, and the amount was enough to take two of our close friends with us – which was a blessing to be sure). But as I stood with Angel at the front of our church, receiving prayer, I sensed the word “favor” being spoken to me by the Lord over and over again. And since that time I’ve been focusing on that – seeking the favor of Jesus in my life.

So having no title other than “child of God”, “disciple” or “friend of Jesus” has been sinking deeper into my heart since that Sunday, and I’ve eagerly been learning more about what it is to simply sit at the feet of Jesus. What that means is to be able to just be with Jesus and listen to Him without being restless and at work trying to please others (it’s a reference to the story of Mary and Martha in Luke 10). I’ve said in the past that I don’t need a formal position to serve others, and I’ve had some opportunity to do just that – either with people one on one or in a corporate setting. Recently I was involved in a luncheon at church, and some of what I did was pretty visible to people. During this time one of our college & career adults introduced me to her mom, who asked me if I was one of the pastors of the church. I simply said no, and a confused look came over her face. “Well then who are you, and what do you do?” she asked. I found the situation a little amusing as I smiled and replied, “I’m just a humble servant of God.”

While in some ways I feel a sense of freedom and growth these days there’s also been some challenges. I get asked by people why I’m not in leadership anymore, and I know that when we see Colin & Galya, who are coming back to Canada for a visit, I’ll definitely be asked by them too. They’ve seen first hand how hard leadership had been for me, and how I struggled with a sense of calling over the years. I feel in some respects that I have to justify to people why I made my decision, and yet I felt that I had to justify to others why I pursued pastoral ministry in the first place! I’ve also been dealing with a mild resurgence of my Depression again, which frustrates me. I feel so damn needy and it’s not that I think I shouldn’t have needs or be an island to myself, but that I feel like I’m surrounded by people who seem to have it all together – both believers and non-believers. It’s hard to live with brokenness and to have modeled dependency on Jesus when others look strong.

I get feedback from people, both direct and implied, that I’m still meant for vocational ministry and that this is all just part of the plan. Well, my reaction to that is “whatever.” While I still want to serve people I have no desire to do anything that looks “pastorish” – no sermons, no leading services, no weddings (for the moment I still have my license) or anything that has to do with formal leadership. My feeling is that I’ve wasted 20 years of my life chasing mirages, and that I could have learned the things I’ve learned while living a “normal” life. But what a normal life looks like for now is uncertain. I start my new full time position at the end of the month, and I still want to finish my degree (I hate loose ends, and not finishing what I started is a big loose end for me), but these days I’m taking it one day at a time and trying to enjoy everything that God sends my way. It’s a simple life, and I like it that way. So in a nutshell, that’s what life, post L.T., looks like for me.

Receive

Well, it’s one of those nights where I’m having trouble sleeping, so I thought I’d do a little blogging and get some stuff outa my system. It’s funny (and frustrating) that I keep having to learn the same lessons over and over again, and the lesson I’m talking about here is learning how to receive. What triggered this latest rote and recital was this picture:

Last Saturday I took Angel out on a date for her birthday; I took a bunch of photos and then posted them on Facebook (if you want to see the rest of them, you can click here). The above picture generated a lot of response from people in my network, and one of the words that kept bouncing around was hope, that I gave people hope. Now I’m at a loss to understand what they all mean by this, and truthfully I feel a bit awkward when I got this feedback. Actually it’s more like a LOT of awkwardness, enough to send me scampering for the nearest rock to hide under. Why do I feel this way? It’s because I have a hard time receiving things that are positive and affirming.

At times when I have been the recipient of someone’s kindness, blessing or friendship there is a part of me inside that recoils and says, “Oh my God! Stay away from me!” Why do I react this way? Why do so many other people have a hard time receiving, as I do? Part of it I think is a defense mechanism that protects us from rejection; so often we have been built up by others only to find that they did it to get something from us. We also have difficulty in receiving affirmation because it simply doesn’t match up with our self image. But I think that the root of this problem is simply pride. We are too proud to take anything from anybody; we are too proud to take anything from people and we are especially too proud to take anything from God.

There’s two kinds of pride that we can carry. The first is what’s called the pride of the worm; it rightly says that we don’t deserve anything good from the hand of God or people, because we know the depths of our selfishness and imperfections. But instead of being positioned to receive what we need (which is blessing and mercy, both from God and people) we’re conditioned to receive criticism, negative feedback and condemnation. This is what I suffer from. The second is a self-sufficient pride; one that says, “I’m self-made and self sufficient, so I don’t need anything from you, and I certainly don’t need anything from God.” This is the more common form of pride found in the world.

Pride can twist our understanding of Jesus’ words when He said, “It is more blessed to give than receive.” (Acts 20:35) We get so busy giving of ourselves to others, but it’s out of a sense of superiority that says, “I’m just fine, thank you, but you my friend are in sad shape. Here, let me help you!” True giving comes from a sense of having received in the first place. How else can we give when we haven’t received? I think of all what God wants to give, and how He wants us to receive. Here’s some examples of receiving from God that I need to take to heart:

- For you did not receive a spirit that makes you a slave again to fear, but you received the Spirit of sonship. And by him we cry, "Abba, Father." (Romans 8:15)

- “Instead of their shame my people will receive a double portion, and instead of disgrace they will rejoice in their inheritance; and so they will inherit a double portion in their land, and everlasting joy will be theirs.” (Isaiah 61:7)

- “For God did not appoint us to suffer wrath but to receive salvation through our Lord Jesus Christ.” (1 Thessalonians 5:9)

- “Let us then approach the throne of grace with confidence, so that we may receive mercy and find grace to help us in our time of need.” (Hebrews 4:16)

- “I am the LORD your God, who brought you up out of Egypt. Open wide your mouth and I will fill it.” (Psalm 81:10)

All of these passages, and many more like them, can be summed up in this familiar verse: “For God loved the world so much that he gave his one and only Son, so that everyone who believes in him will not perish but have eternal life.” (John 3:16) God is the giver, and by faith we receive. When I refuse to receive I take on the role of God, the only one in the universe who is truly self-sufficient. He has no need outside of Himself, and He certainly doesn’t need us. But He does want us, and He wants to give good things to His creation. In fact if there’s anything good that we have in life, it came from God in the first place! (James 1:17) He gives directly from Himself, but mainly He gives through people, so if I want to receive anything from God I have to learn (again and again) how to receive from people. So to everyone who has blessed me with friendship and kindness, thank you for giving of yourselves to me.