It's not official, but it looks like a done deal: Angel & I are going to be adoptive parents! Our last meeting with our assessment writer was on Thursday, when she told us that she would recommend us. The home assessment was the final hurtle in the application process, where we were asked tons of questions. They start off pretty typical like, "Why do you want to adopt?" but then things get more personal. Were you ever fired? Have you or anyone else in your home been assaulted? How satisfying is your sex life? Have you ever been treated for mental illness? The questions are, perhaps, intrusive but they want to get an idea of who you are, what your baggage is and how well you handled it. Once they let you leave the dark room with the bright light on your face the home assessment report is written, which won't be submitted until we get a chance to look at it and make any changes we feel are needed. Then it gets sent to the government for final approval. This will take 1-2 months so we won't get final confirmation back until mid-June at the latest. So I guess you can say this is like the time in between the home pregnancy test getting peed on, finding out you're positive, and the appointment with your family doctor...
So what happens next? Are you getting a baby? When do you expect to become parents? We get alot of these questions so it's just easier to post all the answers online. First off, I want a girl and Angel wants a boy, but it really doesn't matter either way. We want an older child that's in the age range between my younger brother's son and Angel's brother's daughter, which is about 5-8 years old. We've asked for either a Caucasian or Metis child, as we feel that this will minimize any physical differences and make us look like a more "normal" family. While we are open to a number certain emotional, cognitive and physical challenges our child may have we draw the line at certain points. We aren't able to care for a child with mobility issues because of our living space and we won't take a child with Fetal Alcohol Spectrum. I know it sounds terrible to say, and a part of me feels guilty for making these distinctions, but they encourage you to be honest with what you & your spouse think you can handle.
Every child in the foster care system will have some sort of "special needs", be it emotional, cognitive, psychological, physical or behavioral. Many of the children in the system have likely been exposed prenatally to alcohol, even if there's no formal diagnosis. There's no perfect child out there (whatever "perfect" means) and we've been told to expect some difficulties. There will be the stages of adjustment once we get a placement: the honeymoon, followed by a grieving process of anger, control, depression and ambivalence before accepting the new family dynamic. Oh, and this is something that parents and child will go through together. That's why it takes time to go through the application process, as they want to set up parents and children for success. Once we get a match there's an initial visit, followed by some group activities with the child and foster parents. Eventually you get to spend some time with just the child and finally the placement, where the child moves in. Six months to a year later the adoption is made legal and you officially become a family. So you have plenty of time to decide if this is what you want, and not just for the parents only. The child has to be a willing partner in all this too, or obviously the match will fail!
Placements are seamless and never around Christmas or the child's birthday. Instead they happen between school breaks like spring or summer time. So while we may get a match this year it's unlikely that a placement will happen until next year, at the earliest. This suits us fine, as we're still settling into the idea that we will some day become parents. It's an exciting time for us but scary also. You ask yourself if you'll be a good enough parent for a adopted child. I think of how our child will have to deal not only with the mistakes their biological parents made, but with the mistakes that I will make too. I have enough issues that I'm working out with God; how on earth will I help our child in theirs? As uncertain as I am about my parenting abilities I am grateful for the support that's out there, both from Family Services and, more importantly, our friends and family. We'll need all the help we can get as we work to give a good home to a child who may at this very moment, as I type this, be out there wishing for a mom and dad.
Maybe even praying it too.
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