Baby steps

It's a warm Thursday afternoon as we walk up to the door of a large home. Ringing the bell sets off a chorus of dog barks, and we are let in by the foster-mom. Dale is in the entry way to greet us too, but our eyes are caught by a small girl standing at the top of the stairs. She smiles and waves at us, and I look hard at her. She looks quite different than her picture, but it was apparent that this little miss was none other than Jessica. Her smile and wave put us at ease, and we chat a little before presenting her with a couple of small gifts. She is just beautiful. "How are you feeling about all this?" I asked. "A little weird" was her reply. "Me too" I said, and with that Jessica went off to play with nerf-guns with her foster-brothers. The adults are sitting in the dining room having coffee, and eventually I hit on an idea. "Hey, you guys got an extra gun?" And before I know it I'm in a wild firefight with the kids. It was a good ice-breaker, where Jess felt comfortable poking me with a toy gun and giving me some of her Halloween candy. But otherwise her response to us was guarded; no hugs (which is healthy at this point), we were never called mom/dad or even by name, and I was introduced by Jess to one of her foster-brothers as her new foster dad, then she corrects herself. At this point I realize that we are, in her mind, just the latest in a long line of parental figures that have come and gone.

Day two. Jess is sitting on the front lawn and greets us by name before shooting us with a nerf gun. We have a good chat and I showed her some pics of our cat sleeping on her bed, which she awed over. She quite likes the stuffed cat we gave her, but has yet to settle on a name for it. Once again she's off to play with her foster-siblings before supper. At the table Jess sits between me and Angel, and the interaction with the foster-boys makes things fun. At one point even Jess and I got into a little poking and ticking match. Up to now things seem to be unfolding well, but little do we realize that things will soon go south. After supper Jess goes downstairs to watch TV, and eventually Angel & I joined her. After a half an hour we notice that Jess is shutting down; she's curled up in the corner of the futon and now she doesn't like to be tickled. We were just about to get up & give Jess her space when Dale came to check on us. Seeing what's happening, she asks for a moment alone with Jess. Five minutes later Dale comes up and informs us that Jess is in panic mode. Adults are the enemy we are told, and we leave for home feeling like we took two steps forward and three backward.

Day three. Jess is all smiles when we arrive, and the scared little girl we left the night before is nowhere to be seen. We make some small talk and ask if she's feeling better than when we left her. She says she is, but that fearful look on her face last night is still burned in my memory. Today we got to supervise her Saturday chores & routine: teeth brushed, hair combed, bedroom and bathroom cleaned and homework done. As with the first two days she is bouncy and wired, and needs simple instructions to keep her focused. Angel & I take turns making sure she's on task, and while Jess cleans the bathroom she tells me what she learned about chemicals in school. Then, after everything's finished she retreats once again. While she's going through her Ipod in her room we grownups are chatting in the kitchen. Well, everyone except me. My stomach, which has been feeling sick all week, feels like it took a sucker-punch. Finally I ask Dale, "You've seen a lot of placements happen; how do you think this one will play out?" She wisely avoids answering the question, as she can't make any predictions. We're taking baby steps she says, and then asks how we're doing. One of Dale's roles is to encourage us, and she does a good job at it.

Lunch is served, and once again Jess sits between us. This time there's not much lively interaction, and she finishes her food quickly before dashing off to play again. But there were signs of her warming to us again. At one point in the afternoon Jess comes & sits on the couch beside Angel and stands beside me in place of her foster-brother, who wisely refused my invitation to get close so I could rough-house with him. Our visit ends with a trip out to the park where we all played a game of "Grounders", a version of tag played on the playground equipment, and whoever is it has to keep their eyes closed. It was a fun way to finish our day with Jess, and yet when we left there again was that look of fear on her face. But those baby steps Dale talked about were taken, as today Jess called us by name but referenced us to others as mom & dad . Like yesterday and the day before, we leave physically and emotionally exhausted. It's much harder to connect with this little one than we thought, but in spite of the difficulty we're determined to press on - at Jessica's pace.