We're about half way now through the "dating" or pre-placement process, and in two weeks we have managed to carve out some semblance of a relationship with our beautiful little girl. However, it hasn't been without some setbacks. On Monday we phoned Jess but she refused to take our call. We found out that the wonderful weekend we had with her sent her on an emotional and behavioral tailspin. This was still evident to us when we picked her up on Tuesday for an outing. Jess was sullen and quiet; from what we did get out of her we found that she doesn't trust us, she's overwhelmed and doesn't know if we're "the real deal." The plan was to go to the library so Jess could do her homework, go out for supper and then take her back. But once we got to the library Jess refused to do her homework and wanted to return to the foster home. We took the "authoritative" approach to parenting and she did part of her homework and then headed back to the car.
But we weren't quite ready yet to head back. Recognizing this was an opportunity to speak into her life, we shared some of our thoughts with her. "We know this is hard for you; you don't trust us and that's ok because we have to earn it. We know you've been acting out, but we want you to know that it doesn't change the fact that we want you to be our daughter. We choose to be your parents. You probably don't feel the same way, but we want you to know that we love you very much. We loved before we even met you and nothing will change that." Jess didn't say a word, but she did give a little nod, and with that we drove back to the foster-home. But Jess still had homework, and we weren't about to let her off the hook. So, after a bite to eat she sat at the table and finished the rest of her math questions. In spite of being the big bad parents here we knew there was a part of her that was still drawn to us. Jess could have stayed in her room after she finished, but instead she came to the top of the stairs when she heard we were leaving. "Remember," we said, "nothing that happened here tonight changes the way we feel about you." And again, we got a little nod from her.
Wednesday afternoon: we arrive at Jess' school to meet her teacher, introduce ourselves to the school administration, and arrange to start picking up Jess after school. Our visit went much better that day; we hit the playground while there was still light out, grabbed supper at Subway and then off to the library for round two of homework. This time she got her work done before we took her back. Perhaps there was some emotional momentum happening here, knowing that Thursday was a really big day: Jess would get to see her new home for the very first time.
This morning, after a consultation with one of Jess' doctors it was off to our place. Both parents and child felt both nervous and excited at the same time! The first thing Jess wants to see was her room, and the big smile on her face just said it all. As she explored the rest of our home the phrase, "Wow, you have a (whatever)!" was used by her more than once. Clearly she was thrilled to see what will, for her, be the last home she will ever have to move into. It was such a good feeling doing the family thing this afternoon: Dad made his little girl a grilled cheese sandwich for lunch; she did some homework and the two of us played on the Wii while Mom made supper. After our first home cooked meal (pasta & meat balls) together as a family it was off to her final swim lesson and back to the foster home. Angel is such a great tutor; as I watched my beautiful wife and daughter sit together doing math questions I thought about how far we've come in two weeks.
We know we have a long way to go yet, but it still feels good to see how Jess smiles at us.
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