As the year winds down I think of how my life has been turned on its side over the last 12 months. So much has changed for me in so many ways. I remember how hard Christmas was for me last year, and how that struggle spilled over into the new year. I felt so much disappointment with myself, with life and with God. I questioned how involved God was with my life, and wondered what I was getting myself into as we started down the adoption road. I was grieving the loss of a lot of things; by getting serious about starting a family via adoption I was mentally writing off any chance of fathering children with Angel. I was also focusing on just getting my degree finished just for the sake of finishing it, without any hope of putting that education to any use whatsoever. Those were the two main losses I was dealing with, plus a few others, which all added up to this angst I felt - that my life was going nowhere.
But as the year progressed things started to change for me, and I think I can pinpoint the things that helped me to pull through my pessimism. One of them was being put in a position where I had to take a good hard look at what I believe and why I believe. Whether it was writing about atheists and anti-church ranters, doing my anthropology and philosophy courses or just simply facing my own personal demons, I was living the examined life (which Socrates said was the only life worth living). Going through the adoption screening process was also a part of that examination, as Angel & I were asked so many questions about why we want to be parents and our beliefs about parenting. It was a journey of self discovery for the both of us - one which I think has laid a foundation for our becoming the parents that we are now.
The second thing that helped me move past my disappointment was my relationships with my friends and family. Receiving the love and care of so many people has been such a tremendous blessing to me, whether it was hearing from long lost friends, being celebrated for accomplishments made or simply learning to better appreciate those closest to me (like Angel) have made such a difference to me. Life is all about relationship, and I think that the measure of a person's real treasure is in the strength and quality of one's connection with their fellow man. I know how self-absorbed I am, and how undeserving I am of the kindness shown to me. I say that not because I think I'm worthless but rather in knowing that I've given less to others than I have been given. I am so blessed to have good people in my life who have been there for me, and if you are reading this chances are you are one of them. For that I am so grateful, and I thank you from the bottom of my heart.
Another thing that's helped me this year has been the milestones I've passed and the accomplishments that have been achieved. The first one was going to convocation at Prairie, and finally finishing my coursework last month. The feeling of achievement both at my grad ceremony, sending off my final assignment and receiving a passing grade for my last course, was tremendous. I have to admit that I have some mixed feelings about finishing my degree. On the one hand what I have from Prairie is less than I set out to accomplish, having started out as a bachelor of arts student and graduated with an associate degree. I feel like an underachiever on the one hand, but on the other hand I earned a degree entirely by correspondence (a feat that seems to leave people in awe of). The second accomplishment, one that I can only take so much credit for, is being approved to become an adoptive parent. It was really a team effort that Angel was just as much a part of, and even so our support network of friends and family factored into our approval and selection to become Jess' parents.
Which of course brings me to Jessica. She, more than anything else, has brought such a positive change in my life. Not that it was an easy change mind you; there was the friction between me and Angel, the fear of the unknown, feelings of excitement, depression and our struggle to break through Jess' armor. If anyone told us at this time last year that we would be parents in 12 months I would not have believed them. If anyone told us that God would make us parents at Christmastime, just as we felt God telling us He would so many years before, I wouldn't have believed them. But it did happen, and it helped to make for a memorable Christmas to be sure. This Christmas was extra special for a few other reasons, as one of my nieces got engaged (on Christmas Eve no less) and that we also got a call on Christmas Eve from a certain someone who went to a certain somewhere in the world that I've been asked not to name specifically. But you know who you are; we love and miss you and can't wait til you return. Your absence was keenly felt and we know next Christmas will be even more special when you're home with us.
I guess I can sum up the biggest challenge I faced in 2009 in one word - unbelief - and how that unbelief was met can also be summed up in one word - relationship. If it wasn't for God relating to me through people I'd shudder to think of where I'd be. It's given me reason to look forward to good things in 2010. Merry Christmas and a Happy New Year to all my readers. God bless.
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