The Atheist's Guide to Converting Christians (and other delusionists)

Richard Dawkins made the news again recently with the "Atheist bus" campaign he's thrown his support behind. If you haven't seen it while waiting for the #142 it reads "There's Probably No God. Now Stop Worrying and Enjoy Your Life." Very novel approach I'd say. I'm still mad that Dawkins' book "The God Delusion" didn't accomplish what it set out to do, which was to make me an atheist by the time I finished reading it. In fact I'm thinking of writting the good Professor and ask him for a refund. Instead I decided to compile my own literature on how to make me one of them (atheists I mean). This is an insider's perspective on how to undermine my faith, and some of these points are actual tricks of the trade that we zealous, narrow minded believers ply. So grab your note book and jot these tips down:

1). Stop arguing with us. I know I'll give an atheist a run for his money if he uses "reason" with me and that neither one of us will win. You'll never change anyone's mind with debate; in fact it only reinforces our own opinions. That's how Mormons and JWs keep their converts, by sending them out in white shirts, black ties and black pants and have them knock on people's doors. After all those doors get slammed in their faces they're all the more convinced that they're right and everyone's wrong. But if you want to keep your own, dress them like morons (not to be confused with Mormons) and get them to hand out atheist tracks on the street.

2). We get it; evolution is the process of less complex life forms changing into more complex life forms through natural selection, which took place over billions of years. We all went to school and took biology, so stop telling us this like we're stupid or that we've never heard it before. Some of us actually don't have a problem with evolution, especially considering that the Genesis 6-day creation account is actually an ancient form of poetry, which is lost on us modern readers. We just have a hard time believing it happened all by itself. So don't even go there.

3). Try studying the Bible instead of misquoting it. Maybe then we can have a conversation about it instead of going back to point #1. Your theology is terrible and no matter how much we explain to you that God is loving, you keep bring up the flood or whatever horrid example of why the God of the O.T. is the most unpleasant fellow in all of fiction. Maybe we wouldn't be so defensive if you tried that approach.

4). Be careful about picking your atheist poster-boys; they may not be who you think they are. We're learning our lesson with Swaggart, Baker and those other guys, so do some background checks. It turns out that Einstein wasn't an atheist; in fact it really pissed him off whenever he got lumped in with you guys. You might want to double check with Stephen Hawkings too. I may be wrong but I can't find anything on him that says he's an atheist...

5). We Christians have a saying: People don't care what you know until they know that you care. So instead of attacking our narrow way of thinking, get to know us. Ask us why we believe in a non-existent God. Maybe you'll clear up some of your misconceptions about us, like we actually enjoy our lives and don't go around feeling guilty about how evil we are. Make friends with us, drop casseroles off at our door, you know - random acts of kindness that bless us (oops, I forgot - there's no God to do the blessing so maybe that won't work). And you truly have to care about us. Don't fake it; we can spot a phony miles away.

6). Send in the Anthropologist to do a study on us first; that way you'll have a better understanding of our unique and very diverse culture. Get them to find out why we believe in God; they may find that many of us weren't simply indoctrinated from childhood. Again, understanding is the key to mutual trust and respect.

7). Be honest with us about why you are atheists. Some of you don't believe because you were mad at God for not protecting you from personal harm. That's my theory at least as to why Dawkins is an atheist; it's a classic case of transference. After all, who would say that being sexually abused as a child only embarrassed them? (I wish I was only kidding when I say that, but sadly it happened to him and that is exactly what Dawkins wrote in his book) So, deal with your emotional baggage first before trying to help us.

8). Offer us hope. Tell us how atheism can transform lives. Show us how we play a part in the grand story of nothing. We need to know that we're nothing less than behavioral machines and that we're not sinners. White wash us with psychology; after all we don't need that "washed in the blood" gore. We need to know that there's no God who can fill the atheist shaped holes in our hearts. You don't have to be atheism's lawyers, just its witnesses. The non-existence of God will reveal itself to us, so don't get uptight about doing the converting. It will happen if we open our hearts and disbelieve.

I can go on and on here, but try these out and see if you can get some more of us to "turn to the dark side" like TV's Greg House did. Good luck.

Oh, I thought of one more thing since I published this post...

9). You must believe there really is no God. Words like "probably" and "almost likely (there's no God)" just don't cut it. Either there is a God or there isn't. Don't confuse us like that...

25 Things about me...

I got tagged on Facebook by a friend who filled out this 25 things thing that you’re supposed to pass onto 25 of your friends. After I publish this note and do the tagging I may have 25 fewer friends, but here goes…

1). It’s hard to believe, but Angel & I will be celebrating 18 years of marriage this spring. As much as we’ve driven each other nuts we are still deeply in love with each other. And if anything should happen to her (God forbid) I can’t picture myself with anyone else. Besides, I’m not sure who’d want me anyway.

2). I worship a good God, and His name is Jesus. Even though I’m constantly leaping from one crisis of faith to the next, some bigger than others, Jesus always jumps with me.

3). I live in what I would describe as a blue collar neighborhood. The people who live there don’t make a lot of money but many of them, like us, hold their heads up high and do the best they can with what little they have. We have good neighbors who welcomed us with open arms, and we don’t spend as much time getting to know them as we should.

4). Angel & I are applying to become adoptive parents. I have a 1% chance of getting my wife pregnant (or anyone else’s for that matter), so that’s a big reason why we’re getting an off the shelf model instead of making one from scratch. It scares the crap out of me as I don’t know if I’ll make for a good dad. I know Angel will make a great mom though.

5). I’ve been treated for Clinical Depression not once but twice in my life, both when I was a teenager and also a few years ago. It’s been called the common cold of mental health but I think of it more as a cancer of the soul that robs you of hope and joy. It’s in remission right now and I hope it stays that way. I’m relatively health right now because of my relationship with Jesus and the healing God has done through medication, counselling, taking care of my body, music and the love of my friends and family. If you’re reading this, chances are you were one of them. Thank you.

6). I didn’t tag you in this note, but if your name is Caroline Jane Etter chances are you’re reading this too, ‘cuz I know you’re a Facebook creeper. That goes for you too Dawn Baine. But that’s ok, creep away. It's all good :)

7). I was what’s called a lay pastor, someone who ministers to the church but has no paycheque to show for it, which is ok. I preached sermons, did counselling, led Bible studies, was on the church leadership team and even performed a marriage ceremony. Being a church leader brought me a lot of joy but also a lot of hurt, failures and disappointments. I’m taking a break from it now and while I know many people hope to see me get back in the saddle again it’s a sensitive topic for me. But I’ve learned never to say never, especially to God.

8). I have eight credits left and then I've earned my degree from Prairie Bible College; 2 full courses and a couple of 1-credit courses and I'm finally done. I’ve been told that people are going to throw a party to celebrate my graduation; in lieu of presents please give me cash to help pay off my $30,000 in student loans.

9). I love to laugh, and I also love to make people laugh. Shows like “Who’s Line Is It Anyway?” and cartoon strips like Calvin & Hobbes and the Far Side (May they all rest in peace) are classics they don’t make anymore. The funny thing about making people laugh is that I can’t do it on purpose; it just comes to me naturally. If I have to think about it the joke always falls flat.

10). I’m an introvert at heart, which surprises people as I appear to be so outgoing. I’m actually afraid of people at times, but I’m also very relational. Friendship and family are very important to me, as they all breathe life into me. I’m a very loyal friend and it takes a lot to break that kind of friendship. That being said I do loose friends occasionally; I’ve recently lost contact with someone who I considered to be a good friend, and I miss her terribly. But when you send birthday & Christmas cards, e-mails, etc. and don’t get a reply it’s hard to say that you’re on their radar map.

11). Every church has its members who are a little weird. You know, the annoying lady with the tambourine that sits behind you, the guy who’s always sprawled on the floor shaking under the power of God, the woman who always says “Praise God!” when you tell her your life’s crappy, or the guy who’s always blubbering during the service. I’m the last one.

12). I come from an abnormal family. We actually get along and like being with each other. While from time to time there's friction between members there’s also a bond that keeps us together. We celebrate birthdays and Christmases together and have traditions like an annual supper and bingo; last year we went camping together for a weekend and it was so much fun. We’ll have to try and do something like that again soon.

13). I consider myself to be a boring person, and not very interesting. I don’t have any hobbies but I do have interests like swimming, reading, going for walks, camping, Muskrats and anything Angel makes for me to eat. Except Muskrat.

14). I have the best job in the world. I work with people with disabilities. After high school I took a year of Bible College and when I came home I was planning on attending university. I needed a job to save up for tuition and I replied to an ad in the paper for live in caregivers. I became a personal care attendant, eventually took disability studies at Grant MacEwan College here in Edmonton and worked for many years in many different group homes. Now I drive the accessible buses for the association I work for, and it’s been the most rewarding job I’ve ever had in my life.

15). I know who shot JFK but I don’t know who shot JR. Nor do I care.

16). I’m Danish and I’m proud of it. Well, aside from the fact that the Danes invented the sex change operation (a very unhealthy procedure which was highlighted on a CBC documentary I watched) and that they single-handedly offended over 1 billion Muslims with a single cartoon. I’ve been to Denmark 4 times now and hope to go back a few more in my lifetime. With the exception of an uncle, aunt and three cousins here in Canada all of my extended family is there (oh, and I have an aunt and some cousins in Norway I haven't seen since I was 5 years old). It’s a beautiful country. Go visit it sometime. And no, Denmark is not the same as Holland, and my name is not Dutch. I hate it when people always ask me that.

17). Aside from traveling to Denmark I’ve been to Sweden, Norway, Holland, Germany and more recently the UK. I’d like to go to Columbia and Lithuania as I have friends who do missions work in both countries. A friend of mine taught English in Japan for 2 years and another one moved to New Zealand recently, so I consider myself to be very cosmopolitan.

18). Autumn is my favourite time of year. It’s still nice out, the fall colors are beautiful and for some reason my mood picks up and I sleep better. Maybe it’s because I’ve associated the season with new beginnings; that and my inner child looks forward to Halloween and Christmas.

19). I love the color red. The car I drive is red, I had 2 other cars that were red and I love red dresses on pretty girls. Angel says I can read the menu but I can’t order anything. She also said my next car will not be red.

20). We need a van if we're going to start a family, and so the next car I want is a Mazda 5 mini van. It’s a true mini-van, not like those monsters on wheels that claim to be. Besides, the Mazda 5 is way cool. I just have to talk Angel into letting me buy one. I promise honey, it won’t be red.

21). I’m looking forward to turning 40 next year. Aging doesn’t bother me anymore; in fact I love looking at those lines I’m getting on my face (they look manly to me). I also feel younger today than I did 10 years ago, and that I’m living the 20-something life I never got to live when I actually was 20-something. And I’m getting my mid-life crisis over with before I turn 40 so I don’t look like an ass.

22). I wouldn't call myself a social activist but I would say I'm socially active. I believe in taking care of the poor, the disadvantaged and the environment. The Bible says that the way we treat others is the way we treat God (Mathew 25:34-40), and so I'd say that's a big part of who I am.

23). I desperately want a dog. Not a big one as we live in a townhouse, but not one of those small, annoying yappy dogs. The problem is that I don’t have the time to take care of a high maintenance pet. That’s why we have cats.

24). I have a blog. It’s www.thehblog.com and if you aren’t already sick of learning about who I am there’s plenty more to read about me there. If you’re reading this on my blog, don’t bother clicking on the link. And I’m always surprised about who reads it, like total strangers living in places like the UK, the U.S. and Australia. Actually I’m surprised that anyone reads it.

25). I hate chain letters; especially those that say pass this on to 25 of your friends. So for the love of God don’t feel like you have to write 25 things about yourself and pass it on.