As the year winds down I think of how my life has been turned on its side over the last 12 months. So much has changed for me in so many ways. I remember how hard Christmas was for me last year, and how that struggle spilled over into the new year. I felt so much disappointment with myself, with life and with God. I questioned how involved God was with my life, and wondered what I was getting myself into as we started down the adoption road. I was grieving the loss of a lot of things; by getting serious about starting a family via adoption I was mentally writing off any chance of fathering children with Angel. I was also focusing on just getting my degree finished just for the sake of finishing it, without any hope of putting that education to any use whatsoever. Those were the two main losses I was dealing with, plus a few others, which all added up to this angst I felt - that my life was going nowhere.
But as the year progressed things started to change for me, and I think I can pinpoint the things that helped me to pull through my pessimism. One of them was being put in a position where I had to take a good hard look at what I believe and why I believe. Whether it was writing about atheists and anti-church ranters, doing my anthropology and philosophy courses or just simply facing my own personal demons, I was living the examined life (which Socrates said was the only life worth living). Going through the adoption screening process was also a part of that examination, as Angel & I were asked so many questions about why we want to be parents and our beliefs about parenting. It was a journey of self discovery for the both of us - one which I think has laid a foundation for our becoming the parents that we are now.
The second thing that helped me move past my disappointment was my relationships with my friends and family. Receiving the love and care of so many people has been such a tremendous blessing to me, whether it was hearing from long lost friends, being celebrated for accomplishments made or simply learning to better appreciate those closest to me (like Angel) have made such a difference to me. Life is all about relationship, and I think that the measure of a person's real treasure is in the strength and quality of one's connection with their fellow man. I know how self-absorbed I am, and how undeserving I am of the kindness shown to me. I say that not because I think I'm worthless but rather in knowing that I've given less to others than I have been given. I am so blessed to have good people in my life who have been there for me, and if you are reading this chances are you are one of them. For that I am so grateful, and I thank you from the bottom of my heart.
Another thing that's helped me this year has been the milestones I've passed and the accomplishments that have been achieved. The first one was going to convocation at Prairie, and finally finishing my coursework last month. The feeling of achievement both at my grad ceremony, sending off my final assignment and receiving a passing grade for my last course, was tremendous. I have to admit that I have some mixed feelings about finishing my degree. On the one hand what I have from Prairie is less than I set out to accomplish, having started out as a bachelor of arts student and graduated with an associate degree. I feel like an underachiever on the one hand, but on the other hand I earned a degree entirely by correspondence (a feat that seems to leave people in awe of). The second accomplishment, one that I can only take so much credit for, is being approved to become an adoptive parent. It was really a team effort that Angel was just as much a part of, and even so our support network of friends and family factored into our approval and selection to become Jess' parents.
Which of course brings me to Jessica. She, more than anything else, has brought such a positive change in my life. Not that it was an easy change mind you; there was the friction between me and Angel, the fear of the unknown, feelings of excitement, depression and our struggle to break through Jess' armor. If anyone told us at this time last year that we would be parents in 12 months I would not have believed them. If anyone told us that God would make us parents at Christmastime, just as we felt God telling us He would so many years before, I wouldn't have believed them. But it did happen, and it helped to make for a memorable Christmas to be sure. This Christmas was extra special for a few other reasons, as one of my nieces got engaged (on Christmas Eve no less) and that we also got a call on Christmas Eve from a certain someone who went to a certain somewhere in the world that I've been asked not to name specifically. But you know who you are; we love and miss you and can't wait til you return. Your absence was keenly felt and we know next Christmas will be even more special when you're home with us.
I guess I can sum up the biggest challenge I faced in 2009 in one word - unbelief - and how that unbelief was met can also be summed up in one word - relationship. If it wasn't for God relating to me through people I'd shudder to think of where I'd be. It's given me reason to look forward to good things in 2010. Merry Christmas and a Happy New Year to all my readers. God bless.
Sunday, December 27, 2009
Sunday, December 13, 2009
Settling in
It's been one week since Jess moved in with us, and it already feels like she's been with us forever. For me the novelty of fatherhood's starting to wear off, as it's becoming familiar having a 10 year old in the house. I think Jess is feeling more comfortable in her new surroundings, as she's freely showing affection towards me & Angel. Jess is also starting to push a little; I don't mean to say she's misbehaving but she is trying to push some buttons. Her teasing gets a little excessive sometimes, and she tries to test some boundaries with her routines. Of course we're flexible, as we believe in being authoritative parents (and not authoritarian), but she knows in the end that Mom & Dad are the boss. An image that comes to mind is one of those nature documentaries, where the mother lion has her cub crawling all over her, pulling on her ear, while she has that patient, almost complacent look on her face! Patience is definitely needed I find, but Jess also brings so much joy.
It's been a big week for our little girl, as Jess has not only moved in with us but has also started meeting the family. On Monday Dale & Sharon came over for supper and to bring the documents for us to sign; we have to wait 6-12 months for the adoption to become legal, but for now we've been delegated guardianship powers. After the paperwork was taken care of my parents came over to meet their new granddaughter for the first time. My Mom cried, my Dad beamed and my daughter had this uncertain expression on her face that said, "What's the big deal?" and "Why is this lady (my Mom) hugging me so much?" It was a brief visit, as we didn't want to overwhelm Jess; we kept to the same format the next evening when my in-laws and nephew came for their visit. Jess was quite anxious for them to arrive; she stood on a chair and looked impatiently out the window for them to arrive, but once they did Jess stuck close to me. But the present they brought (a Michael Jackson CD) and a game of MarioKart with her new cousin was just what the doctor ordered to break the ice.
Friday was a dive into the deep end with a supper visit with my brother Niels & his wife Janice and their kids. I say deep end because it was a longer visit, but we figured it would be ok since Jess would be interacting with children younger than her. The visit went over well; my nephew Halden had been anxious to meet his new cousin, and the two of them hit it off instantly. Hannah took a liking to Jess as well, and giggled like she does whenever her grandparents come to visit. Jess played with and read to her new cousins, and helped build a gingerbread house after supper. As successful as that visit went we were mindful of not overloading Jess with too much stuff. The next day Jess met another new cousin and in the evening we celebrated our family's December birthdays. The original plan was to arrive for just presents and cake. Jess however wanted to be there for the whole thing (mainly so she could play with Halden), and in spite of being in a full, noisy house full of new relatives (most who had just met the new addition for the 1st time) it went well.
Maybe a little too well. I have to admit that I'm starting to feel a bit overwhelmed, and part of it has to do with how quickly Jess is settling in. From our experience during the pre-placement process we're expecting some regression. As well we know this is the honeymoon phase, and once the excitement wears off we expect some challenges ahead. But so far she's acting like she hasn't experienced a major change in her life. For example Jess did really well in church today, and dashed off to Sunday school without asking for one of us to go with her. As well we sat down with her today to tell her that we met with her birth mom (the meeting was on Friday), and to give her some things that her birth mom wanted to pass on. When asked Jess told us she missed her birth-mom a little, and then focus her attention on other things and change the conversation. This was our first clue that she's starting to process stuff, and we know that as time goes by things will start to surface. But for now we'll just enjoy life together as a newly minted family, and deal with the ugly stuff when it comes.
It's been a big week for our little girl, as Jess has not only moved in with us but has also started meeting the family. On Monday Dale & Sharon came over for supper and to bring the documents for us to sign; we have to wait 6-12 months for the adoption to become legal, but for now we've been delegated guardianship powers. After the paperwork was taken care of my parents came over to meet their new granddaughter for the first time. My Mom cried, my Dad beamed and my daughter had this uncertain expression on her face that said, "What's the big deal?" and "Why is this lady (my Mom) hugging me so much?" It was a brief visit, as we didn't want to overwhelm Jess; we kept to the same format the next evening when my in-laws and nephew came for their visit. Jess was quite anxious for them to arrive; she stood on a chair and looked impatiently out the window for them to arrive, but once they did Jess stuck close to me. But the present they brought (a Michael Jackson CD) and a game of MarioKart with her new cousin was just what the doctor ordered to break the ice.
Friday was a dive into the deep end with a supper visit with my brother Niels & his wife Janice and their kids. I say deep end because it was a longer visit, but we figured it would be ok since Jess would be interacting with children younger than her. The visit went over well; my nephew Halden had been anxious to meet his new cousin, and the two of them hit it off instantly. Hannah took a liking to Jess as well, and giggled like she does whenever her grandparents come to visit. Jess played with and read to her new cousins, and helped build a gingerbread house after supper. As successful as that visit went we were mindful of not overloading Jess with too much stuff. The next day Jess met another new cousin and in the evening we celebrated our family's December birthdays. The original plan was to arrive for just presents and cake. Jess however wanted to be there for the whole thing (mainly so she could play with Halden), and in spite of being in a full, noisy house full of new relatives (most who had just met the new addition for the 1st time) it went well.
Maybe a little too well. I have to admit that I'm starting to feel a bit overwhelmed, and part of it has to do with how quickly Jess is settling in. From our experience during the pre-placement process we're expecting some regression. As well we know this is the honeymoon phase, and once the excitement wears off we expect some challenges ahead. But so far she's acting like she hasn't experienced a major change in her life. For example Jess did really well in church today, and dashed off to Sunday school without asking for one of us to go with her. As well we sat down with her today to tell her that we met with her birth mom (the meeting was on Friday), and to give her some things that her birth mom wanted to pass on. When asked Jess told us she missed her birth-mom a little, and then focus her attention on other things and change the conversation. This was our first clue that she's starting to process stuff, and we know that as time goes by things will start to surface. But for now we'll just enjoy life together as a newly minted family, and deal with the ugly stuff when it comes.
Sunday, December 06, 2009
Miracle
Do you believe in miracles? Do you believe that God speaks to us? I guess how you answer that question depends on what you believe about God in the first place. You may not believe He exists; you might believe He does, but you don't know if He speaks or is even involved in our lives. I believed all these things before today, and I believe them now more than ever. Today our daughter came home, and came home to stay. This was not an accident that happened, but rather the plan of a good, loving, powerful God. Let me explain. Seventeen years ago we received what we then believed to be a prophetic word from God regarding the specific timing of our becoming parents. Back then we were young newlyweds with the whole world ahead of us. We had dreams of how our lives would unfold, and we expected that life would be exactly as we pictured it. But as time went by we experienced heartaches and disappointment, and one of those disappointments was finding out we couldn't have kids. Well, it wasn't total disappointment, because we heard from God that we would have kids. Or did we?
Over the years we clung to the hope that we would become pregnant, that God would supernaturally heal our infertility. And every year that came and went was a reminder that we had unfulfilled hopes, had missed the boat or had simply heard wrong. After all, when it comes to hearing from God the Bible says we only get parts of the picture, and those parts aren't always clear (1 Corinthians 13:8-12). This gave us some sort of comfort, believing that maybe we just heard wrong. But that opens up another can of worms, because if you heard wrong about one thing how then can you know that you did hear God speak to you about other things? This touches on deeper issues: Is God good? Does God care about our suffering? Can He do anything about it in the first place? These are questions I have had to wrestle with in my experience; I didn't want to just simply read about God's involvement in the Bible, or hear about it from other people - I wanted to encounter it for myself. And while I can say that I have experienced God's goodness in so many ways I felt a little short changed in some departments. That is, until today.
You see, the word we got from God was that we would become parents at Christmastime. But the hope of that word actually coming to pass died a slow death, little by little, with each passing December. By the time we decided to adopt we wrote off all hope of pregnancy, and any time table that we expected along with it. We certainly didn't expect a placement to happen during the holiday season, as it's the policy of Alberta Children's Services to not place kids during birthdays and Christmases. But it was recommended that Jess be placed with an adoptive family ASAP, and her placement with us was scheduled for December 6. It wasn't until a few weeks after we first met Jess that I made the connection. We were driving along one day and it hit me all of a sudden. "Angel," I said, "Do you remember when we heard from God that we were going to be parents at Christmas?" It was so long ago (and so painful) that Angel hardly remembered. Still, I dared not believe it. After all, it was a tentative date which depended on how well Jess took to us. If it came down to it Jess would have been kept in foster care til January. I just couldn't bring myself to embrace the idea that God came through here, as I didn't want to risk more heartache and disappointment. And yet this morning we picked her and her things up, and as I write this she's making Christmas ornaments with Angel at our dining table...
The odds we were given of a pregnancy happening were 1 in 100. What are the odds of Jessica being placed with us, today of all days? 1 in 1000? We were selected, unanimously by a committee of social workers, out of a group of eleven families who were potential matches for Jessica; a unanimous decision, we are told, is uncommon. Our prayer that we would only have to wait months for a match and not years (which was a real possibility) was answered in September. As well, Sharon (our placement worker) told us that there is currently a surplus of approved parents waiting to adopt in Alberta; in her words, it's a tight adoption market these days. And here's the real kicker: before we were matched with Jessica we had a name we used to refer to whatever child we were going to adopt. We decided we needed one as it was easier to have a generic name rather than referring to a hypothetical adoptee as "the child." And as we thought about it we felt that God had given us a specific name; a name, I have to admit, I felt a bit awkward using. And what was that name?
Miracle.
Need I say more?
Over the years we clung to the hope that we would become pregnant, that God would supernaturally heal our infertility. And every year that came and went was a reminder that we had unfulfilled hopes, had missed the boat or had simply heard wrong. After all, when it comes to hearing from God the Bible says we only get parts of the picture, and those parts aren't always clear (1 Corinthians 13:8-12). This gave us some sort of comfort, believing that maybe we just heard wrong. But that opens up another can of worms, because if you heard wrong about one thing how then can you know that you did hear God speak to you about other things? This touches on deeper issues: Is God good? Does God care about our suffering? Can He do anything about it in the first place? These are questions I have had to wrestle with in my experience; I didn't want to just simply read about God's involvement in the Bible, or hear about it from other people - I wanted to encounter it for myself. And while I can say that I have experienced God's goodness in so many ways I felt a little short changed in some departments. That is, until today.
You see, the word we got from God was that we would become parents at Christmastime. But the hope of that word actually coming to pass died a slow death, little by little, with each passing December. By the time we decided to adopt we wrote off all hope of pregnancy, and any time table that we expected along with it. We certainly didn't expect a placement to happen during the holiday season, as it's the policy of Alberta Children's Services to not place kids during birthdays and Christmases. But it was recommended that Jess be placed with an adoptive family ASAP, and her placement with us was scheduled for December 6. It wasn't until a few weeks after we first met Jess that I made the connection. We were driving along one day and it hit me all of a sudden. "Angel," I said, "Do you remember when we heard from God that we were going to be parents at Christmas?" It was so long ago (and so painful) that Angel hardly remembered. Still, I dared not believe it. After all, it was a tentative date which depended on how well Jess took to us. If it came down to it Jess would have been kept in foster care til January. I just couldn't bring myself to embrace the idea that God came through here, as I didn't want to risk more heartache and disappointment. And yet this morning we picked her and her things up, and as I write this she's making Christmas ornaments with Angel at our dining table...
The odds we were given of a pregnancy happening were 1 in 100. What are the odds of Jessica being placed with us, today of all days? 1 in 1000? We were selected, unanimously by a committee of social workers, out of a group of eleven families who were potential matches for Jessica; a unanimous decision, we are told, is uncommon. Our prayer that we would only have to wait months for a match and not years (which was a real possibility) was answered in September. As well, Sharon (our placement worker) told us that there is currently a surplus of approved parents waiting to adopt in Alberta; in her words, it's a tight adoption market these days. And here's the real kicker: before we were matched with Jessica we had a name we used to refer to whatever child we were going to adopt. We decided we needed one as it was easier to have a generic name rather than referring to a hypothetical adoptee as "the child." And as we thought about it we felt that God had given us a specific name; a name, I have to admit, I felt a bit awkward using. And what was that name?
Miracle.
Need I say more?
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