Fears and doubts

They say that when a woman gives birth that she goes through postpartum syndrome; that sense of being overwhelmed with sudden parenthood, which leaves you feeling depressed and inadequate. They tell you to be ready for that too when you adopt. They also tell you that during the first few months of placement it's going to be rocky. There's going to be conflict; that things will be said to you by your child that you shouldn't take personally. It's going to get worse before it gets better, and that just when you think you're about to throw in the towel your child will actually start to come around. Sure I knew back in January that the honeymoon phase was over, but I was naive to think that things weren't going to get worse. Well, let me tell you, it's gotten worse.

On Friday Sharon, our placement worker, came to call; the final phase of the adoption process is underway. Sharon is starting her post-placement assessment and needs a couple of references who will swear an oath, stating that we are fit to be parents. All of this then goes to a judge and, hopefully, Jess will be officially ours by June the latest. "So, how's it going?" Sharon asks. Angel and I exchange looks and I said, "Well... to be honest, it's been rough the last while." And so I explain. While it seems that Jess and Angel are getting along (though it's been bumpy between them too) lately Daddy's been getting the brunt of a lot stuff from his little girl. Sharon's jaw dropped when I told her this. "Your sweetheart is turning on you?" she asks. Yes, it's true. For some reason my little darling has decided to make me the brunt of whatever bothers her. From little comments here & there to full-on blow-ups we have had our hands full. Sure we both get it at times but for some reason Dad is more of a target than Mom. And when Jess goes balistic it looks a little something like this:


They tell you it's not about you, but rather it's about the process of adjusting to their new family that they put you through the ringer. I understand that. They also tell you to not take it personally because it's not about you. That's the part I'm not doing so well at. I know, I know - you're thinking that this is normal and that every parent goes through this. I get it. But I think there are some differences here when it comes to adoption. I know that I don't need Jess to love me, and that she needs me to love her in order for her to grow emotionally. That I can do. But it still hurts. And it's depressing me at times. And yet the bottom line here is that I have to be the adult, the father that Jess needs me to be. Still, I felt it was important to let her know how her behavior was affecting me. Yesterday I said to her that I understood she was working through her fears, but that I had some fears too. I was afraid that maybe she didn't want to be my daughter after all. She said she did and gave me a hug. Whether that will change anything I know not. But regardless of my fears and doubts I am making a choice here, and that is to be the Dad that Jess needs me to be. It may be killing me on the inside, but I have to believe that in the long run it will pay off.

Not for me though. For Jess. Because it's not about me. It's about her.