Refocusing

Have you ever felt like you were in over your head? Of course you have. We all experience times where we feel overwhelmed. I am no exception. Especially at late. For the past three weeks I've been dealing with the sense that my resources have been overtaken by the needs before me. In fact I didn't even realize I was feeling this way until two weeks ago. It started to build when Angel's employer got back to her about modifying her hours when she goes back to work in the fall. Actually we were hoping it would be in the fall that Angel would go back to work; you see, her date of return is in late August, one week shy of Jess going back to school. The hope was that Angel could put off going back to work for just a bit longer so that someone would be there for Jess. Well, Angel's employer would have none of that. Not only was she expected to return to her job on August 23 but she also wasn't getting the "mommy hours" she was hoping for. So after a bit of negotiation I managed to have my hours at work modified so that someone (namely me) would be there for Jess when she goes to school and when she comes home. After that we felt like we dodged a bullet, having felt a lot of stress over who would look after our daughter during the school year.

Next we sat down and crunched the numbers, looking at what Angel's earnings would be minus the reduction in my hours, and found we had about $120 more to work with a month. Great! Hey, we said, why not look at getting that new car we've been thinking of? The "car" I refer to is actually a SUV/Minivan crossover - a Dodge Journey. We looked into buying one back in February, but the time just wasn't right then. We felt we needed a bigger vehicle as our Pontiac Wave is a little small for when the three of us are going places, especially out of town. Our trip to Kananaskis definitely proved that. So, with a combination of using some savings, reorganizing our budget and using the proceeds of the sale of our Wave, we figured we could make the plunge. And we did. We now own a 2009 Journey. It's a good family vehicle and it will definitely be good for when we go camping. The seats in the back fold down, creating ample room for our tent, sleeping bags, gear, you name it. Also it's a lot more comfortable to ride in; road trips in the Wave were fun but cramped for two people to sit for hours on the road (not to mention it would be impossible for us to have our stuff and Jess in the car). So, instead of borrowing my parent's van we can now enjoy our holidays in our new car.

The joy of getting a new set of wheels for me however was short lived. It didn't take long for me to realize that we were going through more fuel than I was expecting. You see I had done some homework on the Journey, and found that the base model is just as fuel efficient as our old car. But what I didn't realize that our Journey, having the V6 engine instead of the four cylinder, actually consumes roughly 25-30% more fuel. This doesn't sit well with me as I'm somewhat eco-conscientious, but also it affects our monthly budget. We map out our spending very carefully, and we don't have much wiggle room. Now stuck with a car that's sucking the gas money out of our wallets, things are looking even tighter. Suddenly, it seemed, I felt the weight of what it was to be a parent. It wasn't just the money thing, but the money thing just seemed to amplify all the other responsibilities that came with looking after Jess. I was in over my head, or so it felt. So for a while I was (and still do a little) feeling depressed, anxious and wondering what to do. In my head, and in talking with Angel about all this stuff, I knew that we were going to be ok in the long run. But I still felt desperate for a solution.

But then I came to a realization, and this was something that I didn't do on my own. This was something that God had to show me, and that is that I lost my focus. My feelings of insecurity had more to it than just about dollars and cents. I had become so focused on life in this world that I forgot that this world wasn't even my home to begin with. Instead of seeking God's kingdom and His righteousness, believing that God would provide for my needs, I forgot that life was about more than food and clothing (Matthew 6:25-34). Yes, I have to be responsible with the resources God has given me, but I also have to trust God to take care of the things I can't. My job is to be faithful with what God has given me; not just my money, but my talents, gifts, skills and, most importantly, the relationships I have. He will take care of the rest. Already God has given me a measure of peace, along with some tangible blessings. Just yesterday our pastor phoned and wanted to know if the church could sponsor Jess to go to a Bible camp in August. Still, I still struggle with refocusing on God, but I know that God has brought us through tight spots in the past. And there's no reason to think He would stop now.

Besides, God has blessed us with a beautiful child; why would He provide us with a family, in such a miraculous way, only to pull the rug out from under our feet?