Detour

Recently I wrote about how we're in the final stretch of our adoption journey. We meet with our placement worker to discuss how things are going; she asks us questions about how our lives have changed, our marriage, how we divide up the parenting responsibilities, etc. We have a great system going, where Angel & I do tag-team parenting. For example I get Jess up in the morning and get her breakfast, and while she's eating I'm in the shower while Angel makes sure she's dressed and ready to go. In the evening Angel gets Jess going with her bath and then I read with Jess before bed. It's those little routines that give the child the structure they need - stuff that social workers like to see in a home where adoptive kids are placed.

Our worker is very generous with the encouragement she's given us. So much so that we're a bit embarrassed about it. In the beginning our workers were wondering if we were the real deal, because we were so ideal in their minds about what they look for in parents. And when you're told that they wish they could clone you that adds to the sense that they think highly of you. Of course we just don't see ourselves as "super-parents" - after all, we're just plain old Hendrick & Angel. So you could imagine our surprise and disappointment when we got a phone call yesterday, telling us the adoption process is being delayed by two months. Apparently our worker feels that we need some more support than we have now; so in a few weeks a parenting coach is coming to visit us, observe and help us with some strategies that will help us be more effective parents.

We have a lot of mixed feelings about this little detour on our adoption journey. On the one hand we are open to any and all supports we can get. We're new parents and we won't pretend that we're experts on how to raise kids. We trust our worker and like her a lot, and we think the feeling is mutual. She has lots of experience with these things and we're sure it wasn't a decision that was made lightly. On the other hand the suddenness of this development has caught us off guard; now we're wondering if we really are the "great" parents we were made out to be. There were suspicions on our side too, that maybe every adoptive family is praised to the skies just to build their shaky confidences up. This has made us second guess how we've been parenting Jess up until now. Are we not being firm enough? Are we doing too much for her? Visions of Jo Frost come to mind, where a British nanny comes into a home to straighten out bratty kids and inept parents...

None of us in our home are happy with this latest development. Angel just wanted to cry when I told her the news (I did too), and Jess was disappointed to hear that there was a delay in the process. She needs closure, and frankly so do we. Getting that adoption order would give us that permanent sense of family; having all our names on the new birth certificate would cement the bond we have developed as parents and child. We feel that Jess has been through enough already, so we're questioning the wisdom of this decision. But I suppose that another two months isn't going to make a difference in the long run. It could end up being the best birthday present Jess ever got; in August she'll get a permanent, legal Mom & Dad for her 11th year. Unless of course there's some other unforeseen snag. I guess that's another thing that bothers us, that it's created a sense of insecurity. My worst fear is that someone will decide that we don't get to be Jess' forever family. I know in my head that the possibility of that is next to zero, but still the feeling is there. All we can do is play ball with Children's Services, and trust God with our family.

After all, He is the one who brought us together. And I don't think He'll simply pull the rug out from under us.

Update, Wednesday April 28: We e-mailed our concerns to our worker yesterday, and she phoned back today and talked with Angel. Our concerns were acknowledged and now the delay is now only weeks instead of months. We're still getting a parenting coach but now she will only observe and give us feedback, as opposed to being hands on with us/Jess. This is a big relief for us! Thank you all for your support on Facebook, and for your love and prayers. And thank you Jesus for seeing us through what's now become just a small bump in the road instead of a major detour.

The change

I've been asked how life has changed for me and Angel since we got Jess, and figured it would make a good topic for my latest blog post. I have to say that in some ways life has changed a lot for us and in other ways it's stayed the same. What surprises me the most is how well we've adjusted to life as newly minted parents. Before we adopted I had imagined that the change would be as profound as when we were first married 19 years ago (19 years yesterday to be exact), since it was the only frame of reference I had. Back when we were in our (very) early 20s we still had some growing up to do, and we had never lived on our own before, let alone together. So it was huge for us, figuring out not only how to be husband and wife but having responsibilities like paying rent, bills and our own groceries. But almost two decades later we've grown and matured and I think that has really helped us adjust as well as we have to being a family as opposed to just a couple.

I think the biggest thing that has changed for us is how we spend our time. Jess consumes a lot of it! Not that we mind a whole lot. Both parents and child are soaking up the experience of becoming a family. All Jess wanted was to be in a home and have parents and know that she would never have to move again, something she had been deprived of. Angel and I have been deprived of the joy of being parents, so it's quite convenient for all parties involved. It's almost as if we're all trying to make up for the time we felt we've lost. This displaces time spent doing other things and while we do have some spare time still it's not nearly as much as there was before. I wasn't much of a big TV watcher to begin with and now I watch less; and one can tell from my blog that there's more time between posts and less time journaling. Thankfully my studies are all done, as I didn't want to be a student and a Dad at the same time. Looking back I'm glad I had the foresight to knuckle down and get it done before we got Jess. It's also a challenge to do sermons, as I'm finding that I don't get my first draft done until a few days before I preach (it used to be that I would have it done the week before so that I'd have plenty of time to make revisions). One thing I really miss is spending time with friends. I used to go out for coffee from time to time with my guy friends but now that's going more by the wayside. It's something I need to correct, because my friends are important and I need them in my life.

Another thing that has changed is our expenses. We definitely had more disposable income before parenthood! Some expense haven't changed though; having a third person in the house doesn't make your mortgage payments go up, it doesn't cost any more to heat your home, insure your car, watch TV, go on the net or make phone calls. We do pay more for water, gasoline, food and clothing though. And that can be a challenge, since Angel is on parental leave. She does get employment insurance benefits from the government but that only covers 2/3 of her previous income, and even with the child tax credit and the income support for adoption we're bringing in a little less than what we were earning as dual income earners. And once Angel goes back to work in the fall she wants "mommy hours" so we won't have that income we had before. Still, like anyone else, we make things work. Last fall we refinanced our mortgage and this year we used our tax return to pay out what we owed on our car. That made a big difference having our debt servicing and insurance costs go down. Still, it hasn't been easy. This month is the first one since we got Jess that we haven't had to borrow money from our line of credit to make ends meet, which was stressful. But the car's paid for, and now we manage to get by. Just barely, but we get by.

I think one more thing that's changed is where we put our energy, both physically and emotionally. We're a bit more active now, as we hit the pool twice a week and now that spring is here we're at the park more often. So far she's gone roller-blading and bike riding, and last weekend she helped me fly my kite. It's important for her to have an outlet for all of her energy, so we have enrolled in swim lessons and she goes folk dancing every Saturday. Being busy has at times taken a toll on us emotionally, as well as when we're dealing with her "stuff". But what charges our batteries is the love that she shows us and watching her grow as a person. It's been over four months since we've got her, five now since we first met her, and we can see the change in her. She's happier overall, more settled and becoming more open with us. She's still got a long way to go, but she's also come a long way too. Ultimately we want to see her reach her full potential, just like any other parent, but more importantly I want her to know that she has a Father in heaven who will never abandon her (and never did in the first place). If the change in our lives can bring change in hers then it's all worth it - the time, the resources, the energy and the prayer we put into this young life.

And years from now, after Angel and I are long dead and gone and Jess is old and gray, I hope she will see how our adopting her changed her life for the better.

Fears and doubts

They say that when a woman gives birth that she goes through postpartum syndrome; that sense of being overwhelmed with sudden parenthood, which leaves you feeling depressed and inadequate. They tell you to be ready for that too when you adopt. They also tell you that during the first few months of placement it's going to be rocky. There's going to be conflict; that things will be said to you by your child that you shouldn't take personally. It's going to get worse before it gets better, and that just when you think you're about to throw in the towel your child will actually start to come around. Sure I knew back in January that the honeymoon phase was over, but I was naive to think that things weren't going to get worse. Well, let me tell you, it's gotten worse.

On Friday Sharon, our placement worker, came to call; the final phase of the adoption process is underway. Sharon is starting her post-placement assessment and needs a couple of references who will swear an oath, stating that we are fit to be parents. All of this then goes to a judge and, hopefully, Jess will be officially ours by June the latest. "So, how's it going?" Sharon asks. Angel and I exchange looks and I said, "Well... to be honest, it's been rough the last while." And so I explain. While it seems that Jess and Angel are getting along (though it's been bumpy between them too) lately Daddy's been getting the brunt of a lot stuff from his little girl. Sharon's jaw dropped when I told her this. "Your sweetheart is turning on you?" she asks. Yes, it's true. For some reason my little darling has decided to make me the brunt of whatever bothers her. From little comments here & there to full-on blow-ups we have had our hands full. Sure we both get it at times but for some reason Dad is more of a target than Mom. And when Jess goes balistic it looks a little something like this:


They tell you it's not about you, but rather it's about the process of adjusting to their new family that they put you through the ringer. I understand that. They also tell you to not take it personally because it's not about you. That's the part I'm not doing so well at. I know, I know - you're thinking that this is normal and that every parent goes through this. I get it. But I think there are some differences here when it comes to adoption. I know that I don't need Jess to love me, and that she needs me to love her in order for her to grow emotionally. That I can do. But it still hurts. And it's depressing me at times. And yet the bottom line here is that I have to be the adult, the father that Jess needs me to be. Still, I felt it was important to let her know how her behavior was affecting me. Yesterday I said to her that I understood she was working through her fears, but that I had some fears too. I was afraid that maybe she didn't want to be my daughter after all. She said she did and gave me a hug. Whether that will change anything I know not. But regardless of my fears and doubts I am making a choice here, and that is to be the Dad that Jess needs me to be. It may be killing me on the inside, but I have to believe that in the long run it will pay off.

Not for me though. For Jess. Because it's not about me. It's about her.

First family vacation

We just got back today from our spring break vacation in Kananaskis country. For those who aren't familiar with this little Alberta gem it's a mountain region west of Calgary, and I dare say the view is almost as good as Waterton, our favorite holiday spot. We stayed at a resort called William Watson Lodge, which is a facility built for people with special needs and their families. Since my brother Niels & his wife Janice are fostering a child with a disability we qualified to go (Janice's mom is blind, and actually the booking was done in her name). We left on Wednesday, which wasn't soon enough for Jess. She was so excited the night before, to the point that she got a little testy, but overall she did a good job of being patient. The four hour drive from Edmonton to Peter Lougheed Provincial Park, where the lodge is, wasn't bad for Jess in spite of her restless nature. I mention these things because her new Mom & Dad are proud of the way she can handle herself, which isn't easy for Jess. It doesn't mean that there haven't been some rocky moments, but considering the challenges she faced in the past she has grown as a person.

Part of that growth has to do with making new memories with her new family. We got to spend time together, not only as a nuclear family but an extended one, with grandparents, cousins and an aunt & uncle. This was important for us as we want to give Jess a sense of community and belonging. We hope that the memories made will help cement that sense of family, and there certainly were a lot of them. Walks down to the frozen lake shore, down a snowy trail or to the playground were memories made outdoors. Meals together, playing games, watching movies via laptop and projector, an Easter egg hunt and celebrating a birthday were ones made indoors. One of my favorite memories made was our drive into Canmore to go swimming. We played a game where you "packed" a bag for a vacation, and you had to list off the contents in alphabetical order. Everyone takes turns listing off what was packed, and you had to remember what the others had listed for the items. By the end of it we had all packed an apple, a bathing suit, candy, diapers, earrings, a flashlight, a goat, a hat, an iPod, a jumper, a kangaroo, lotion, Mexican jumping beans, nail polish, Ovaltine, a porta-pottie, quick instant coffee, a rocketship, a snake, a twirly-top, a u-haul trailer, a violin, the woods, an x-ray machine, a Yeti and a zoo keeper (presumably to keep all the animals contained in our suitcase).

But now we're back home and settled in for every day life again. It's nice to get away but it's always good to be home. It's especially good because this week we begin the final stage of the adoption process. You see, before we left we got an e-mail from Sharon (our placement worker) who said she was delighted to see how well Jess was settling into our home. Jess' recent report card, which we forwarded to Sharon, showed improved grades and is considered as documented proof of progress. Therefore Sharon wants to make us Jess' legal guardians as soon as possible. So, we have a couple of meetings with Sharon in the near future, and the paperwork gets sent to a judge for finalization. This means Jess' old birth certificate will be destroyed and a new one will be issued. It will have Angel & me named as Jess' parents, and have Jess' new legal name: Jessica Ann Miracle Nicolajsen.

I really like the sound of it. So does Jess :)