Lately I've been having this weird dream. It's the kind that give you a sense of deja vu, and it's one that I think a lot of other people have been dreaming about too. I'm in the doctor's office, and he's asking me what my symptoms are. "Well, for the past 2 weeks I've been feeling fatigued, nauseated, hot under the collar and feeling confused. I've been irritable and I have this pain." The doctor asks me, "Is it in the neck or your posterior?" When I tell him it's both he tells me I have election fever, and that it has to run its course. "How long before I get better?" I ask. "It usually lasts about 6 weeks. Just take a lot of Aspirin for the headaches and eventually it'll go away." I thank the doctor and I leave his office, exiting out onto the street.
As I step out onto the sidewalk I'm swept along by a massive crowd of people, like the kind you see on Boxing Day when the stores open at 6AM. But this crowd isn't moving voluntarily, as they're herded along by just 308 people all dressed in suits. They had this irresistible power over the crowd, and they pushed us along through the streets until we finally saw where we were all headed: a giant, Coscto sized store that said CANADIAN FEDERAL ELECTION. Inside it looked like a fast food restaurant, and as we were herded into the store we all were put in several different lines, waiting our turn to step up to the counter and place our order.
As we were all waiting for our turn we could see the crew working in the back. Stephen Harper was at the sandwich station, making bologna subs; he wearing a suit & stetson that said CREW CHIEF. Michael Ignatieff was busy making waffles while wearing an academics robe. Jack Layton, wearing blue coveralls and a hard hat, was busy pouring lots of nuts on sundaes while Gilles Duceppe, wearing this silly looking hair net, was working the french fries station. Elisabeth May was smoking this little pipe while tossing salads and muttered to herself about how no one wanted to talk to her. No one in the back was getting along with each other, and they couldn't seem to work well together. They were all arguing with each other, but they were also shouting "contempt!" at Stephen Harper, who just ignored them and sang Beatles Tunes with his crew mate Yo Yo Ma.
As I got to the till I looked over the menu, trying to decide what government I wanted to order. They came in three sizes: large, extra large and supersized. You could order a single or make it a combo. The combo comes only in extra large and super size, with a side of Poultine (but that was from a separate menu, in a language I didn't speak). I was encouraged to try something from their organic menu; after all leafy Greens are good for you. All orders came in a family pack I was told, and I could have that with or without the little toy jets that came with the kids meal.
But what confused me was the prices; there were so many different ones listed for each order that I didn't know what the cost was. If that wasn't bad enough I then noticed the sign on the till that said, "No cash, debit or cheques. Visa & Mastercard only" When I asked about that the server told me if I ordered the super size government my credit card interest would be capped at 5%, plus prime. As I stood there not sure what to order the people behind me were getting impatient. Finally the server asks me in a rather terse tone, "Well, what are you gonna order?"
"My vote's for Jesus!" I finally said, and I walked out of the store.
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