A river runs through it. Our campground that is. We left early this morning from Edmonton and arrived this afternoon in the Crowsnest Pass, our first stop on our summer holidays. As I sit at a well-worn picnic table, enjoying the mountain view while fighting with the wi-fi, I think of how it seemed like yesterday that Jess started grade 6. All those mornings of getting Jess out of bed and ready for school, waiting at the bus stop in rain, shine but mostly cold weather, picking her up after school - all of that's a memory. A recent one yet but still a memory. The school she attended was such a positive experience for both Jess and us as parents. Next year is a brave new world for both parents and child as Jess enters junior high. A new school, new friends, a lot more teachers to deal with, no more recess - it's a big change for our little girl who's not so little anymore. She's not even 12 yet and she's taller than Angel, plus she's bugging us for a cell phone for her birthday. We still haven't made a final decision on that one yet. For now we don't have to, as we can simply focus on our vacation for the next 2 weeks. Tomorrow we cross the boarder into BC to introduce Jess to family she has never met before. It's significant for us because now that the adoption's been finalized we don't need to get permission from a social worker to cross the border with our daughter :)
I haven't been blogging in a while, but it's not so much a case of nothing to write about. As open as I am about my life there are limits to my transparency, at least online. The truth is I've been really struggling lately, both with my abilities as a parent and in my Christian journey. Jess is entering a tough stage in life, and I haven't been responding with the level of loving patience she needs. While I have no intention of making myself a doormat I need to be able to consistently strike the balance between setting boundaries without loosing my cool. Sometimes I do this and sometimes I don't. I don't know how common this is with other parents, but I suspect that I'm not alone. Regardless of how often I blow it the really important thing is to own up to my mistakes and apologize to Jess. Lately I seem to be doing a lot of that! But Jess also does the apologizing too, so we're both on the right track I guess. But even if she doesn't I at least need to try and gain some respect in her eyes, because if I can't say I'm sorry to her, why then should I expect her to do the same with me - or anyone else for that matter?
As for my Christian journey it all boils down again to the same tiring question of where is my life going. I don't know if this is some sort of mid-life crisis, one that I hoped to avoid by playing up a more youthful attitude in my later 30s. But here I am just starting my 40s and my life is nowhere I pictured it do be 20 years ago. In all honesty I can't say that my life is a horrible mess; I have a wife who loves me dearly (why I'll never know), I've been blessed with a beautiful daughter; I have a meaningful job, a small but comfortable home, a good church to belong to and a solid family that I'm proud to be a part of. But in a nutshell I feel stuck; I have limited options that doesn't just confine me but also my family. Our combined income is modest and we do make ends meet, but there's not much left over. It's hard when we know so many people who have more than us, who can do more than we can. Yes I know that everyone says they have trouble making ends meet but for our family, who lives in less than 1000 square feet and has one car, the financial struggles of those who live in big house, have multiple cars and can travel every few years seem like a cake walk to us.
Yes I know, "Godliness with contentment is great gain. For we brought nothing into the world and we can take nothing out of it. But if we have food and clothing we will be content with that." (1 Timothy 6:7) I keep reminding myself of that. But it's hard when I started out on a career path that I bombed out. I felt the call, and I responded in the best way I could. Maybe I could have tried harder instead of living out my life's motto of "It can't be done!" But even if I did find a way to follow through I can picture myself washing out. I know if you're reading this and not following exactly what I'm talking about it's because I don't want to go into greater detail, but suffice to say I feel like I'm a failure, at least vocationally. I struggle to find some sense to my life; why I turned out the way I did. I need a new view of my life and a new definition of who I am, and the old ones just don't fit anymore. Is being a child of God simply enough for me? Or can I settle for that when I find my own faith suspect in the first place? Maybe a trip to the mountains is just what I need these days, where I can connect with nature and the God who created it all. What I need is to know that things will be ok - not just for me but for my wife, my daughter, and the world I live in.
I need out of the box I call my life.
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