The H Blog - Contemporary, Philosophical Jive

My last post, at least for now

2011-11-17T10:21:00.001-07:00

When I first started blogging five years ago one of my goals was to share with people what my life looks like as a follower of Jesus. To a certain extent I'm a person who's open and wears my heart on my sleeve. But more and more I'm finding it difficult to share my life online; partly because I'm drawing a blank on what to write about and partly because I really don't want to share what's going on in my life. I've eluded in previous posts that I'm going through a sort of crisis of faith, and as I've thought about how I've been processing this both online and in the real world I felt that it was time to put my blogging on the shelf, at least for now. Until I feel like I've come to some sort of resolution I think there's no point in writing about my faith when I find it suspect in the first place.

Now this doesn't mean that I'm on the road to becoming an agnostic or even an atheist. I've taken an honest look at these worldviews and have found them both to be inadequate. I could take the middle road, like an agnostic would, but the problem there is that the doubter is certain about his or her uncertainty. And the atheist bases his or her belief on so-called evidence in spite of the fact that there is so much in the universe yet to be discovered, and ultimately will be left undiscovered or incomprehensible. We all make leaps of faith; we have to, because if we waited for all the information to come in we could never live in any sort of fashion. I've seen too much in my Christian walk to just out-right dismiss God; there are too many coincidences, too many patterns and yes, I've even witnessed a miracle or two in my time. There has to be something to this Jesus thing.

And yet I also struggle with so many questions, live with so many disappointments & regrets and am waiting for so many prayers to be answered. How accurate is biblical history? Why did God command His people to follow such strange practices and commit such distasteful acts? On the other hand, if the resurrection of Christ didn't happen, as the skeptics suggest, what other explanation is there for the rise of Christianity? Is God really leading my life when I feel like I've reached a dead end? Does God care about the people in my life - my family, my friends, my co-workers and my neighbors? What's the point in prayer when, more often than not, I don't see it making a difference in my world? Sometimes I'm amazed at how God has come through when I've prayed, and yet feel frustrated when so often heaven is, for me at least, silent. Is it enough for me to know that prayer doesn't change things but that it does change me, and so I should pray that others would pray? Can I be the change I want to see in the world, and is it enough of a change to make a real difference?

These questions have brought me to a place where I feel I can't do sermons anymore at Calvary; it's just too hard to preach about things that I honestly don't know if I believe, or even if I ever did. Yet strangely enough I feel like I'm in a place where my life is being refined. I look at the world and see that it is being shaken to its core. Our treasures are slipping away (the world financial meltdown) and our hope is fading (in our governments, public institutions, in technology's promise to make the world a better place). What then is left for the world but Jesus? And as I wrestle with my own crisis I'm seeing that all I'm left with is Jesus. All I know is that in spite of my baggage I find peace when I commune with Jesus in prayer, worship and reading scripture. I'm just having trouble seeing Him work into all the other stuff I'm dealing with. So for now I'm just hanging onto Jesus and enjoying the blessings I do have in my life, like my wife and daughter, and hopefully things will come out in the wash in the end.

So, having said all that and since I won't be writing again for a while, I want to wish my readers well. Thank you for taking the time to read my stuff, whoever and wherever you are. I know it's early, but I also want to wish you a Merry Christmas and a Happy New Year in 2012. And maybe sometime in the new year I'll let you know how things turn out for me.

Hendrick

Machine Gun Preacher: Madman or Man of God?

2011-10-14T12:55:00.000-06:00

Back in August I was listening to the CBC and I listened to a remarkable story of a man named Sam Childers. His life is a tale of radical change that has brought change to many people's lives. It's a complicated story however that I'm not sure what to make of. I'm not unfamiliar with dramatic conversion stories; you may know them yourself, of how someone who lived a really bad life, became a Christian and now does God's work, right? Childer's story is like that; a guy who was a biker, drug dealer, loved guns, had a stripper for a girlfriend, just an all-around nasty dude. But both of them became Christians, renounced their former lifestyles and got married. But then Childers goes to Africa and encounters a side of life uglier than the one he used to live: the recruitment of child soldiers.

In Sudan he sees how a rebel group (ironically called The Lord's Resistance Army, or LRA) forces children to take up arms to fight in their cause. So Childers builds an orphanage and does what he used to do well in the old days: collect a lot of guns and use them to fight the LRA. Over time he earned the nickname "Machine Gun Preacher". Now this guy is a pastor, who sleeps with his Bible and an AK-47, so you can see how he got this name. The work that he does to help orphans in Sudan by rescuing them from a life of violence and giving them shelter & an education is a great thing. But what troubles me here is not only that he uses violence to liberate these children but that he believes that God actually tells him to do this.

Here's the thing: this guy is doing what no government or NGO dares to do by going into a war zone, hunt down the LRA and free child soldiers. No one but this guy is helping these kids. And he's actually winning this personal war that's he waging. He himself hasn't been killed or wounded (as far as I know, and I don't know if the same can be said about those who are part of his private army). He claims to be a man of God and cites David the warrior king of Israel as an example. And yes, like David of the Old Testament who was granted victory by God, Childers keeps winning the battles he fights. So it's hard to argue against what he's doing, because it seems as if God is on his side fighting a just cause. And yet as a Christian I know (and Childers should also know) that Jesus taught peaceful resistance to evil; Paul the Apostle also wrote that Christians fight a spiritual war with spiritual weapons and do not take up arms against others (2 Corinthians 10:3-4). While Childer's cause seems just it also troubles me in that his example can become a slippery slope. Does this mean that God condones the shooting of abortion doctors? I hardly think so, but you can see where something like Childer's actions can lead to.

Anyhow, I leave it to you my dear readers to wrestle with these questions. Perhaps you would say, "Right on!" when you hear this story as my atheist co-worker said when I told him this story. Maybe you cringe at the thought of yet more violence done in Jesus' name, as just as it appears to be, as I do. If you want to hear Childer's story you can click here to listen to the CBC feature. Check out the trailer of the movie made based on Childer's story and maybe even go see the film, as I plan to do. Maybe we can at least have a better understanding of a guy with an incredible story that begs the question, is Childers a madman or a man of God?

Update: I just came across this news article from the BBC, where President Obama has "... authorized a small number of combat-equipped US forces to deploy to central Africa to provide assistance to regional forces that are working toward the removal of (LRA leader) Joseph Kony from the battlefield." Apparently Childers is now getting some outside help from the world's lone superpower. Whether it'll be enough to get him to put away his guns has yet to be seen though...

The view from inside my bus

2011-09-02T17:01:00.017-06:00

Dear Charles Adler,

I'm not a citizen of Adler nation, but today I caught a bit of your show on the radio, and I was struck by your commentary on the ratio of public verses private sector workers - the takers versus the makers as you put it. You have neatly divided the world between those who give and those who take. I was wondering which category I fit in. Maybe you could help me decide, but first I need to share with you a bit of my life story.

I am the the third of four sons born to hard working Danish immigrants, who are now retired. My father was a bricklayer and my mother a seamstress. My eldest brother was a policeman, now a reservist who served in Afghanistan. My second eldest brother is a home inspector and my younger brother has a masters degree and works in education, teaching blind children. I am very proud of my family, and maybe they're proud of me. But I wonder sometimes. For you see at age 41 I am the washout, the underachiever of the family. I drive a bus for a living. How I got here is a story 20 years in the making.

Twenty years ago I married my beautiful girlfriend, and we had big plans for the future. We met at church youth group when we were in grade 12. I wanted to become a minister, she had aimed to work as a medical secretary. We were young and poor when we married; when we wed I was working as a caregiver for a physically disabled man, my wife worked in a fast food restaurant. It was the early 90s and times were tough. The plan was for my wife to support me in an office job while I studied to go into the ministry. For various reasons including financial it never happened. By our third year of marriage we were both out of work (I due to a knee injury) and living with my in-laws. I got into a government funded job-retraining program where I studied to care for persons with mental disabilities. By the late 90s we bought a house with my mother-in-law, a widow, whose government job had been downsized in the Klein era. At the time we figured it was a good move; after all my mother-in-law, bless her heart, was there for us. And now with her only working part time, we needed to be there for her.

Now both employed (I worked in group homes for mentally disabled adults and my wife worked in a grocery store) things were starting to look up. By the mid 2000s we came to a point where we needed live on our own again. So we sold the house we owned in an Edmonton area bedroom community and we moved into a townhouse in the northeast part of the city. It's only 950 square feet Charles, plus the half-finished basement. But something was missing, and that was a child. We were told that the chances of having a baby were slim, so in late 2008 we applied to Alberta Children's Services to adopt, and by Christmas 2009 we were the proud parents of a then 10 year old girl. Now I'm getting to the point where I need to know if we're takers or givers. Up to this point I have worked jobs that have been paid for by the public dime. My education as a community disability worker was paid for by tax dollars, my wages come from tax dollars and now I drive a bus carrying the same adults that I used to work with in the group homes. I do this because it's a daytime job and I'm a family man now; shifts in the group home are afternoons and evenings.

It gets better Charles; we receive funding from the Alberta government to help us raise our daughter. It's not like the token cheque parents get from the federal government. The parents of adopted children in Alberta can get the same maintenance supports as foster parents. This eliminates lower income as a barrier to adoption, which used to be the case for us. The only exception is that we don't get a wage like foster parents do, and so we should not. We are our daughter's parents, and shouldn't be paid to raise our child. But in a sense we are. It's not fair that the government should pay for our child's living expenses and not for someone else's child. But then again what our daughter went through before we adopted her wasn't fair either. Her adopted parents (that's us) have a combined income which is the same as a single average income earner in Alberta. While her Dad, who hasn't gotten a pay raise in three years, drives a wheelchair-accessible bus and works every second Saturday in a group home, Mom takes a 2 hour daily round trip bus ride to her downtown job, working as as a digital archivist.

We pay our bills on time and make bi-weekly payments on our mortgage and car. We're still a one car household; we drive a base model Dodge Journey that's great for camping with a tent - which is about the only vacation we can afford. We never carry a balance on our credit card. We keep our modest, modernly furnished home clean as best as we can, in spite of having a child with ADHD (who we wouldn't trade for 10 tidy kids). We don't smoke and seldom drink alcohol. We save for retirement and for our daughter's education. We go to church, we vote, we believe in our country and in helping our family & neighbors. We have a lot to be proud of Charles, but I still feel a sense of shame. It took 10 years of study by correspondence to finish my Bible college degree but I still haven't made my dream of entering vocational ministry come true, and what I have made of myself has been paid for by someone else. My education as a caregiver, my job and my ability to pay for my daughter's upbringing have all come from tax dollars. I feel ashamed that I have taken so much in order to get what little I have today, and wonder if what I've given back is enough.

This is what I'm thinking when I turn on the radio, as I'm driving my bus. You have your view from the inside of your radio booth, that the world is neatly divided into takers and givers. But from my view, inside my bus, things aren't so cut and dry. You said you're not a religious man. You might call me one, as I am a follower of Jesus Christ. His broadcasts greatly shape my personal views. My Bible says that those who do not work should not eat. Amen! I say. But my Bible also says to work with your own hands, so that you can share with those who are in need. So having said all of this, I ask you Charles: Am I a giver or a taker? Do I have reason to feel proud or ashamed? Maybe it's a bit of both. Maybe I should have worked harder, made better choices, not gotten married when I was so young and planned better for the future. But that's all in the past, and I can only do the best that I can with what I have.

That's the view from inside my bus, as I drive down the road listening to your show on the radio.

Sincerely,
A citizen of Jesus nation.

Fences in my head

2011-08-27T08:23:00.008-06:00

With summer starting to fade I have to admit, as crazy as it sounds, that I'm looking forward to September. It's been a full summer for Jess with going to Bible camps, day camps, folk dancing and volunteering (she spent a week working with children with disabilities - I am so proud of her!) But we're ready for her to go back to school. Junior high will be a new adventure for her, and us as well. We hope the school we picked will work out for her as well as the school she attended in grade six. Jess grew (again) over the summer, and now that she's wearing glasses she looks less and less like the little girl we met almost two years ago, and more and more like a young lady. And so pretty too - everyone who meets her says that right off the top. Getting a gun to keep the teenage boys away is definitely at the top of my to-do list. But Jess said to me, "Dad, you don't have to buy a gun to keep the boys away. I'll do that myself!"

I also look forward to the fall because I associate it with new beginnings and seasons of change. And I could use a little change in my life. What that change is I'm not sure of. As I wrote in my last post I'm feeling confined, that I need to get out of the box called "my life." Perhaps I need to think outside of it; this is something that a few people have mentioned to me. Easier said than done - for me at least. It's like that line from the Dreamworks film Chicken Run: "It's not just the fences around us we have to overcome, it's also the ones in our heads." It's hard to overcome the obstacles in our minds when real obstacles are in front of us. I feel stuck, and it's not the first time I've felt this way. But I can look back at other times in my life where I felt stuck and doors were opened for me that allowed me to move into new places. Normally this would serve as a spiritual history for me to draw on, where I could interpret the challenges of life through the lens of my faith.

But it doesn't help things when I find myself going through a crisis of faith. For the past five months I've been really struggling with my sense of purpose, my place in life and the things that I believe. Now this isn't a bad thing, as too many of us go through life taking our views for granted. But so far I don't see any light at the end of the tunnel, no sense of completion to my journey. Maybe there won't be one. Maybe, for now at least, there doesn't need to be one. But it's ironic that in this time of doubt that I found myself yesterday in a place where I was reminded of where my faith was birthed. Yesterday I attended the funeral of a very dear friend who impacted my life in a profound way. Had it not been for her, her husband and son, I would have not become a follower of Jesus.

Her name was Linda Mantin, and she was the mother of my faith. I met Linda and her husband Tony through a friend at school, Clint, when I was 15 years old. They as a family modeled the Christian life for me at another time in my life when I was searching for meaning and direction. What I saw appealed to me, and eventually their faith rubbed off on me. Linda was genuine; she never pretended that everything was a bed of roses. She shared with me her struggles, her burdens, hurts and sense of loneliness. Yet she processed her pain through the worldview of her faith in God. She was a student of the Bible and she always talked about the power that was in the blood of Jesus Christ - His sacrifice on the cross. I didn't always understand or agree with where Linda was coming from, but she had faith. And we all make a leap of faith, whether we realize it or not. But it wasn't just faith itself that made her who she was, but rather the object of her faith that gave her hope. It touched a lot of people, as it was quite evident at yesterday's graveside service. And as I said "bye for now" - the phrase Linda would always use when she ended a conversation - I thought about the certainty she lived with as I struggled with my own.

Maybe what's needed to overcome the fences - both in my head and all around me - is another leap of faith...

Random summer thoughts

2011-07-03T19:20:00.006-06:00

A river runs through it. Our campground that is. We left early this morning from Edmonton and arrived this afternoon in the Crowsnest Pass, our first stop on our summer holidays. As I sit at a well-worn picnic table, enjoying the mountain view while fighting with the wi-fi, I think of how it seemed like yesterday that Jess started grade 6. All those mornings of getting Jess out of bed and ready for school, waiting at the bus stop in rain, shine but mostly cold weather, picking her up after school - all of that's a memory. A recent one yet but still a memory. The school she attended was such a positive experience for both Jess and us as parents. Next year is a brave new world for both parents and child as Jess enters junior high. A new school, new friends, a lot more teachers to deal with, no more recess - it's a big change for our little girl who's not so little anymore. She's not even 12 yet and she's taller than Angel, plus she's bugging us for a cell phone for her birthday. We still haven't made a final decision on that one yet. For now we don't have to, as we can simply focus on our vacation for the next 2 weeks. Tomorrow we cross the boarder into BC to introduce Jess to family she has never met before. It's significant for us because now that the adoption's been finalized we don't need to get permission from a social worker to cross the border with our daughter :)

I haven't been blogging in a while, but it's not so much a case of nothing to write about. As open as I am about my life there are limits to my transparency, at least online. The truth is I've been really struggling lately, both with my abilities as a parent and in my Christian journey. Jess is entering a tough stage in life, and I haven't been responding with the level of loving patience she needs. While I have no intention of making myself a doormat I need to be able to consistently strike the balance between setting boundaries without loosing my cool. Sometimes I do this and sometimes I don't. I don't know how common this is with other parents, but I suspect that I'm not alone. Regardless of how often I blow it the really important thing is to own up to my mistakes and apologize to Jess. Lately I seem to be doing a lot of that! But Jess also does the apologizing too, so we're both on the right track I guess. But even if she doesn't I at least need to try and gain some respect in her eyes, because if I can't say I'm sorry to her, why then should I expect her to do the same with me - or anyone else for that matter?

As for my Christian journey it all boils down again to the same tiring question of where is my life going. I don't know if this is some sort of mid-life crisis, one that I hoped to avoid by playing up a more youthful attitude in my later 30s. But here I am just starting my 40s and my life is nowhere I pictured it do be 20 years ago. In all honesty I can't say that my life is a horrible mess; I have a wife who loves me dearly (why I'll never know), I've been blessed with a beautiful daughter; I have a meaningful job, a small but comfortable home, a good church to belong to and a solid family that I'm proud to be a part of. But in a nutshell I feel stuck; I have limited options that doesn't just confine me but also my family. Our combined income is modest and we do make ends meet, but there's not much left over. It's hard when we know so many people who have more than us, who can do more than we can. Yes I know that everyone says they have trouble making ends meet but for our family, who lives in less than 1000 square feet and has one car, the financial struggles of those who live in big house, have multiple cars and can travel every few years seem like a cake walk to us.

Yes I know, "Godliness with contentment is great gain. For we brought nothing into the world and we can take nothing out of it. But if we have food and clothing we will be content with that." (1 Timothy 6:7) I keep reminding myself of that. But it's hard when I started out on a career path that I bombed out. I felt the call, and I responded in the best way I could. Maybe I could have tried harder instead of living out my life's motto of "It can't be done!" But even if I did find a way to follow through I can picture myself washing out. I know if you're reading this and not following exactly what I'm talking about it's because I don't want to go into greater detail, but suffice to say I feel like I'm a failure, at least vocationally. I struggle to find some sense to my life; why I turned out the way I did. I need a new view of my life and a new definition of who I am, and the old ones just don't fit anymore. Is being a child of God simply enough for me? Or can I settle for that when I find my own faith suspect in the first place? Maybe a trip to the mountains is just what I need these days, where I can connect with nature and the God who created it all. What I need is to know that things will be ok - not just for me but for my wife, my daughter, and the world I live in.

I need out of the box I call my life.

The story book

2011-05-04T19:53:00.004-06:00

"Dad, I think you should take a look at this." We were down in the basement, having watched a TV program, when Jess went into a drawer and produced a small, purple booklet. She had been rooting though some stuff earlier and found some stories I wrote from my own childhood. On the cover of this stapled publication was this simple title, written by me when I was probably about 8 years old: "The Story book - athour H. Hendrick Nicolajsen" The spelling & grammar of this work wasn't exactly college level, bu it added to the amusement we both shared as I read it aloud. And at Jess' behest I am publishing my brilliant literary work online. Enjoy.

The Sad Clown.

One day a clown was working in the circus. He was sad. one day wile he was walking he bumb himself and his nose was in a trap and his balloons poped and that was not funny.

Fun at the Halloween Party.

It was a cold night. Halloween night. Billy new that he was late for the party. He put on his sceloton suit and away he went.

The Christmas niht.

One Christmas in 1977 our family was geting ready for Christmas. We put up the stockings we put up a tree and our mother made Christmas cookies. this is what I got Colleco CB wocki talki, mupet show six million dollar man bert bilding set.

This next story is the longest and it's also Jess' favorite. She killed herself laughing at the end...

Ber Rabbit and the Picnic.

Ber Rabbit was the furyest, littlest, animal in the forest. One fine morning Ber Rabbit was planning to go on a picnic with Ber Fox and Ber Bear. This is what he will bring: hony, fish, berrys, and other things to eat.

He put all the food in the basket and just as he was about to open the door there stood Ber Fox and Ber Bear. Howdy they said. Howdy Ber Rabbit said to them.

Nice day for a picnic and all three walked out to have the picnic on a nice grassy spot on the top of the hill. When they got to the hill they got out the food, got out the napkins and started eating. What fun!

Soon it started to rain. Ber bear sneezed! Ber Rabbit got out his umbrella. Now we can have fun! Just then the wind torn the umbrella! Ber Fox yelled! What you are doin to me kill me!? No he said, and they froze to death.

(I wonder if Random House would get this on the market for me...)

May 2nd smiles & moustaches

2011-04-29T12:09:00.004-06:00

Have you ever gone on a ride and thought it was a bad idea? I've gotten on the roller coaster at West Edmonton Mall - The Mindbender. Years ago there was a bad accident and people were killed on that ride. In spite of the fact that they fixed the problem, and no one's been killed since then, that's what goes through your head. As the car slowly makes its way to the top of that first downward plunge you close your eyes and hold on tight, but when it's all over you can say that nothing bad happened. Well I'm faced with a similar situation, but this has to do with another wild ride called the 2011 Canadian election. For my international readers we Canadians are heading to the polls for the fourth time in seven years. Six weeks ago our minority Conservative government fell on a confidence matter, but had been enjoying enough popular support in the polls to give them a majority mandate. At least until a week ago.

An unthinkable thing has happened in that time; the Liberals, who have been called Canada's natural governing party, have slipped to third place behind the socialist NDP. The New Democratic Party had never enjoyed much support federally, having never formed a national government (they have been elected in several provinces, some have done well and others have not). What's even more unbelievable is that I, a small c conservative, have decided to vote for the NDP. Now I don't make it a point to blog about politics as I write more about my faith journey and how it ties in with my every day life. I don't make pitches for one political view over another here. But I have been grilled (by my more conservative friends) as to why I'm switching my vote. So here it is.

As a former Conservative supporter I voted for change. I was turned off by the heavy handed approach to government as well as the scandals known here as Shawinigate and Adscam. For years the military was underfunded, the provinces were constantly fighting with Ottawa over jurisdiction issues, the senate was being stacked with partisan appointees, the list went on. Finally in 2006 Stephen Harper became Prime Minister with a minority government, and while he deserves credit for running the longest successful minority government in Canadian history he has, in my view become a disappointment. He has done some good; personal taxes are down, the provinces have more funding for social programs and some reforms to the criminal code have been enacted. But after a while it seemed like the answer to every problem was a tax break or a longer prison sentence. The military didn't benefit much better; funding was increased but billions that were never spent by the DND were returned to the treasury. Aside from some new transport planes and some used tanks that ended up in storage, any new equipment that arrived was ordered by the former government. And in five years no steel had been cut for badly needed ships for the Navy.

From underpowered, overpriced (yet to be ordered) stealth fighters to $1 billion on security for last year's G8/G20 summits it seemed that the Conservatives were in name only. They promised transparency but practiced secrecy; they were elected to be accountable but became heavy handed and began creating their own scandals, albeit on a smaller scale. In other words they became the people I voted against. I felt more uneasy in my support for the Conservatives and could never bring myself to vote Liberal. So then I looked at the NDP and was surprised by how much I agreed with their platform. Their leader, Jack Layton, is a principled, respected man. He's taken an already moderately socialist party (in Canada everything's moderate it seems) and made it more moderate. Yes he's pledged to raise corporate taxes to pay for expanded programs but still keep them below the rate in the U.S. Yes he's pledged cap & trade on carbon emissions but only in cooperation with the U.S. so Canadian businesses are on a level playing field. Yes there's the usual socialist mantra of better education, pensions & health care, but promising to hire more police officers, maintain defense spending levels, rebuilding the navy and cutting small business taxes are sensible conservative like policies.

My faith journey has also affected the way I'm voting this time too. Having become more aware of social justice issues, that God wants the church to help the poor and oppressed, it makes sense to vote for a party that has its roots in the Christian faith. Tommy Douglas, who formed the first socialist government in North America (Saskatchewan specifically), helped pave the way for Canada's most cherished social program - Medicare. He was also a Baptist minister. It's ironic that a few years ago a more modern, secular Canada polled Douglas as the most famous Canadian in our history; a man from an era where it wasn't so unpopular to mix religion and politics. Of course today's NDP has changed since Douglas' time, but his fingerprints are still on the party. So aside from their stance on Afghanistan (I believe Canada should keep its soldiers there in a training role) I pretty much agree with just about everything Jack Layton stands for. So for me on May 2nd I'm voting for the guy with the smile and the mustache. It'll feel like getting on the mindbender, but I'm pretty sure I'll still be alive when the ride's over. And regardless of where you stand I hope that you, the average Canadian, will cast a ballot on Monday. Regardless of whoever wins the election, I believe the nation is in God's hands. People will fail us, and if Jack becomes PM he may fail too. But like I wrote in another blog post my vote is ultimately for Jesus, because only He can bring real lasting hope & change to our nation.

Logging back in

2011-04-26T09:12:00.006-06:00

Well I'm home today, as Jess has pink eye and can't go back to school until Wednesday - doctor's orders. She's still resting from a late night last night, as we had some people over who were family friends of Jess' from before we adopted her. It was a great visit with this dear mother & daughter who were quite close to Jess, and quite involved when Jess' life was less than ideal. Having them over for pizza last night was a great way for us to connect with a happy part of Jess' past. We look forward to seeing more of these friends of Jess' and to forming our own relationship with them.

For those reading this on Facebook you all know by now that I have logged back on after Lent finished up. My brother Niels hounded me as he said it looked like I was still logging on; as I explained to him my blog posts are automatically loaded to my facebook page and people were free to comment on them (my post on Rob Bell garnered a lot of response). And if you're wondering if I ever "cheated" I will say that I logged on twice during my fast; once to retrieve an e-mail address and once to get an update from one of our church's missionaries so I could pass it on to the congregation. Otherwise I have not read anyone's posts or messages, creeped anyone's profiles, etc. And how hard was that you might ask? In the beginning it was tough. While I'm not one of those folks who is on Facebook for hours on end (some of you are, and you know who I mean!) I do jump on & off it several times a day. It's so easy to do; between having 2 computers, my 3G phone and now as an app on Telus TV (which came out during Lent, which I cursed Telus for because I couldn't use it until after Easter) I can get my facebook fix any time, anywhere.

But that was the point of fasting from Facebook. Facebook is like a little shrine to yourself, and it's so easy to get hooked on people's comments about your status, photos and posts. "Oooo! Who said what to me and what about?" is what goes through my mind (and probably yours too). So I decided I needed a break from myself. And no, Twitter did not become a substitute as I use Twitter for information and to microblog for my 25 followers who hardly bother to read my stuff anyway. It was hard for the first two weeks, and then for the rest of Lent it wasn't bad. As well as abstaining from Facebook I took up Rick Warren's Purpose Driven Life. I thought Lent was for 40 days, but at the end of the 40 day readings I still had a few days to go. Oh well. It was a good exercise in taking my focus off myself and on God instead. And as The Purpose Driven Life is sort of like Christianity 101, getting back to the basics seemed like the thing to do. While these exercises did build in me a sense of anticipation for Easter I encountered something unexpected during Lent.

Now the purpose of fasting is to draw closer to God, but during Lent I really struggled to connect with the Lord. It seemed like so many of my doubts, insecurities and disappointments just rose to the surface. Instead of drawing near to God I felt lost and wondered where He was. As usual the question of God's involvement, which seems to constantly be at the forefront of my faithlessness, came up. But towards the end of Lent I felt God saying to me, "You doubt my involvement because you want to see more of it in the life of the church, which is how I express it. You've been disappointed that my people just haven't been there for you. But what about the people who need you for them, Hendrick? Instead of asking me why am I not involved in your life and your world, why not ask me to be involved in the world through your life?" Like a chiropractor making an adjustment to my back God made an alignment in my thinking that day. I was reminded, once again, to be faithful to God with what I have and let Him take care of the rest. That was the result of my facebook fast. The doubts remain, but the focus has changed.

That & my appetite for social networking has somewhat waned.

So let this be my new motto and yours too, if you follow Christ: "Instead of asking God to be involved in your life and your world, ask Him to involve Himself through your life in His world."

Twenty years later

2011-04-20T10:25:00.004-06:00

Picture if you will a cool October evening. Two love struck teenagers have just arrived at an acreage home where the boyfriend's parents live. Excitedly, they break the news: they are engaged to be married! It's a profound moment for this young couple that must be shared with their loved ones. But like a scene from a sit-com the mother, sitting at the kitchen table, stares at her son and his girlfriend (now fiancée) with a stunned look on her face. Finally, she speaks:

"Why?" she asks.

"How are you going to pay for it?"

And then she congratulates them and puts on the tea.

Later on the boy decides to phone his older brothers to break the news. The eldest says, in disbelief, "You're getting married... incredible..." His wife immediately voices her reservations, questioning the wisdom of this decision. The next phone call to brother #2 doesn't go much better. To the sound of laughter the boy hears his brother exclaim, "You're getting what?" and then begins a speech on the seriousness of such a life altering step. And yet the young couple is adamant that they will wed. In spite of the fact that two days after the engagement the boyfriend lost his job, in spite of the reservations others had, the disagreements with family over the wedding plans and a myriad of other challenges the day finally arrived. The boy's pretty (jaw dropping actually) bride walked down the isle and said, "I do." It was a surreal moment for them both, standing there in front of the church, but it was their day nonetheless. No doubts ever crossed their minds about what they were doing.

At least up until that day.

The next morning the newly wed groom awakens next to his bride and thinks to himself, "What have I gotten myself into?" He still remembers his mother-in-law's words from the night before when he voiced a similar thought. "You have 24 hours to get an annulment," she said. Not exactly inspiring words coming from a newly minted member of the family. Perhaps it was an omen, along with little things like how the videographer's car broke down on the way to the wedding, the soloist simply not showing up for the ceremony or the fact that no one knew where the key to the church's soundroom was so the lights could be turned up. Sitting on his bride's glasses during the honeymoon didn't help either. Not that it mattered; the weather was lousy and the mountain view was obscured. But it was the beginning of a rollercoaster ride of ups and downs that has now spanned two decades.

Yes it's hard to believe that today, 20 years ago, Angel & I married. There's a feeling of accomplishment that, in spite of our doubts, the doubts of others, the hardships we endured (some self inflicted and others by happenstance) we have built a life together. The fact that we have added Jess to our lives also adds a new dimension to our relationship. Yes, twenty years ago we didn't know exactly what we were getting into. But twenty years later we have managed to keep afloat and stay together. For that I am grateful to Angel for not trying to kill me in all that time.

Although there have been several inexplicable near misses over the years...

Naw...

Happy Anniversary Angel. I love you so much. Thanks for putting up with me for all these years. I'll see you in another twenty.

Provided I survive any more mysterious accidents.

Vote for Jesus!

2011-04-10T22:51:00.008-06:00

Lately I've been having this weird dream. It's the kind that give you a sense of deja vu, and it's one that I think a lot of other people have been dreaming about too. I'm in the doctor's office, and he's asking me what my symptoms are. "Well, for the past 2 weeks I've been feeling fatigued, nauseated, hot under the collar and feeling confused. I've been irritable and I have this pain." The doctor asks me, "Is it in the neck or your posterior?" When I tell him it's both he tells me I have election fever, and that it has to run its course. "How long before I get better?" I ask. "It usually lasts about 6 weeks. Just take a lot of Aspirin for the headaches and eventually it'll go away." I thank the doctor and I leave his office, exiting out onto the street.

As I step out onto the sidewalk I'm swept along by a massive crowd of people, like the kind you see on Boxing Day when the stores open at 6AM. But this crowd isn't moving voluntarily, as they're herded along by just 308 people all dressed in suits. They had this irresistible power over the crowd, and they pushed us along through the streets until we finally saw where we were all headed: a giant, Coscto sized store that said CANADIAN FEDERAL ELECTION. Inside it looked like a fast food restaurant, and as we were herded into the store we all were put in several different lines, waiting our turn to step up to the counter and place our order.

As we were all waiting for our turn we could see the crew working in the back. Stephen Harper was at the sandwich station, making bologna subs; he wearing a suit & stetson that said CREW CHIEF. Michael Ignatieff was busy making waffles while wearing an academics robe. Jack Layton, wearing blue coveralls and a hard hat, was busy pouring lots of nuts on sundaes while Gilles Duceppe, wearing this silly looking hair net, was working the french fries station. Elisabeth May was smoking this little pipe while tossing salads and muttered to herself about how no one wanted to talk to her. No one in the back was getting along with each other, and they couldn't seem to work well together. They were all arguing with each other, but they were also shouting "contempt!" at Stephen Harper, who just ignored them and sang Beatles Tunes with his crew mate Yo Yo Ma.

As I got to the till I looked over the menu, trying to decide what government I wanted to order. They came in three sizes: large, extra large and supersized. You could order a single or make it a combo. The combo comes only in extra large and super size, with a side of Poultine (but that was from a separate menu, in a language I didn't speak). I was encouraged to try something from their organic menu; after all leafy Greens are good for you. All orders came in a family pack I was told, and I could have that with or without the little toy jets that came with the kids meal.

But what confused me was the prices; there were so many different ones listed for each order that I didn't know what the cost was. If that wasn't bad enough I then noticed the sign on the till that said, "No cash, debit or cheques. Visa & Mastercard only" When I asked about that the server told me if I ordered the super size government my credit card interest would be capped at 5%, plus prime. As I stood there not sure what to order the people behind me were getting impatient. Finally the server asks me in a rather terse tone, "Well, what are you gonna order?"

"My vote's for Jesus!" I finally said, and I walked out of the store.

Communion expresses community

2011-04-04T17:03:00.007-06:00

I have this crazy pipe dream. I'd love to sell my home, buy some land, build a cabin and live like a pioneer. I even involve other people in my pipe dream, be it family or people from my church. In fact it would totally rock if my church decided to sell the building we meet in, and every one sold their homes and we all go Amish. Our pastor looks good in black, and I think he'd look very distinguished with a beard and one of those hats. But alas I can only dream about such things because they just wouldn't work in real life. Although we do have a lot of people in our church who could make it work; we have doctors, nurses, engineers, construction workers, teachers, farmers - all the ingredients needed to start your own colony!

The thing that appeals to me the most, aside from the romantic notion of living a simple life off the land, is the idea of living in community. During Lent our church has been doing a series on communion, and last Sunday I spoke on the idea of communion as being an expression of community. As I was thinking & praying about my sermon I realized that there were a lot of words in the English language that sound similar to communion, and they all loosely share in each other's meaning. When we do communion we communicate the sacrifice of Jesus Christ; as communication is ultimately about symbolism, the breaking of bread symbolizes Christ's body broken for humanity. The wine symbolizes His blood, shed for the forgiveness of sins. To have communion means not only the ritual performed in church but to also share in each other's thoughts & emotions. We commune with others through relationships, and those who live in a commune share their possessions. Those possessions aren't private property, but rather shared or common property. We live in the Christian or Common Era (CE), where (as John Calvin put it) there is common grace for all people. All these things are the ingredients for Christian community, where there is a shared fellowship of faith.

We read how in Acts 2:42-47 and 4:32-35 that the early church lived as a community of faith; they communicated their faith, communed with God and each other, lived a communal life, and had communion (both symbolically and relationally) because of their common belief in the life, death and resurrection of Jesus Christ. They were a diverse group of people from many different cultures, nationalities and languages. The Apostles themselves were an unlikely group made up of blue collar fishermen, a Roman collaborator and a resistance fighter to the Roman occupation. Talk about your different walks of life! And yet they were a peaceful community brought together by the Spirit of God. They were, as the Bible called them, one body and a common loaf that tasted the goodness of God for themselves. They put the practice of community to work by living out what have come to be called the "one another" passages. Among them are the commands to love one another, serve on another, submit to one another, share your possessions with one another, forgive one another, encourage and carry one another's burdens - the list goes on and on.

For me I've experienced this sense of being "one loaf" in many ways. Nowadays I find it in the small group my wife & I attend. For the past two years Angel & I have been meeting with folks from our church, where we have developed a level of relationship that serves to build the life of Jesus in each other. But one of the most profound experience I've had of connection to Jesus and His church was at a Lutheran renewal movement seminar. Having been raised a nominal Lutheran I was mistaken to think that they were all ritual and no relationship with God. But I couldn't have been more mistaken, as these Lutherans loved Jesus. I'll always remember when they ended the conference, those many years ago, with a time of blended worship. There was liturgy and contemporary songs that went on for 90 minutes, and as the worship band played everyone went up for prayer and communion. It was a beautiful, profound and moving experience that literally left me speechless. That night we were one body, one loaf, regardless of who we were or what church we attended. Sadly many Christians have yet to discover this sense of community in their own churches. We don't have to go Amish to find it though. But if we turn to the source of Christian community, which is the life, death and resurrection of Jesus Christ, and apply that life by "one anothering", we can have that sense of belonging.

And that sense of belonging, both to God and each other, is why Christians take communion.

The conversation

2011-03-23T16:10:00.007-06:00

Note: if you are reading this on facebook, it doesn't mean I've broken my fast! My account automatically imports my posts, so if you want me to respond to your comments you'll have to wait til Easter, or post them on the blog itself.

Now normally I don't make a big deal about differences between my brothers & sisters in the faith when it comes to differences in doctrine. Most of the disagreements that Christians have are a matter of emphasis - placing importance on one teaching over another. I also hesitate to blog about such things because I'm mindful of my unchurched friends & family who read my stuff that either don't understand the issues or just don't care. It can really turn people off, Christian or not, when you take issue with what others believe. Some have disagreed with me, (even so far as to call me a son of Satan & a false teacher if you can believe that), so I take great care in what & how I say things which are contrary to other's views. But I felt I had to write about Rob Bell and his recent book, "Love Wins." Now in fairness I haven't read the book, but I have heard about the buzz it generated. Recently Bell was interviewed on MSNBC about the book, and I have to say I was disappointed with what he had to say. You can watch the interview below or, if you're reading this on facebook, click here to see it.

First I have to say I didn't think Bell adequately answered the question about God's all-powerful nature and His concern for the world. In fairness it isn't an easy question to answer in the first place. But to ask the question, "Is God all-powerful but doesn't care about earthquakes in Japan, or does He care but can't do anything about it?" is a false dichotomy. An either/or answer can't be given here. Is God all-powerful? I believe He is. Is He good? Again I say yes. So why then so people suffer? We can say that God respects the freedom to choose, and that sometimes we suffer the consequences of other people's choices. This doesn't explain natural disasters though. But natural disasters are just that - they are natural. They are neither good nor bad, they just are and they are also part of the forces that shape the planet we live on. I don't know why an all-power and all-good God allows for earthquakes & tsunamis, but if God is good, then we have to assume that God has a good reason to allow them to happen. It's not an easy answer I admit, and it may be an easy one to come up with since I'm not recently affected by a natural disaster. But in a small way I know what it's like to suffer senselessly.

Second, I'm really concerned about what Bell may be implying in the interview. From what I understand of his writing, according to the interviewer, Bell is saying that everyone will be saved. Again I haven't read the book. But if this is what Bell implies then this means he believes there is no hell (or maybe it will be empty), and therefore no justice will be dispensed on those who reject God and do wrong in this life. Now I know that the notion of hell is disturbing to most people, and there's a lot of misunderstanding about the importance of hell. Putting it simply hell is the place where an all-loving God lets people go to when they choose to live for themselves. As C.S. Lewis put it, there are those who will say to God, "Your will be done," and those to whom God will say, "Fine, have it your way." Basically it's the place where self-absorbed lives will go on for eternity. If that's not hell I don't know what is. But the good news is that Jesus came to save us from hell - not just the one we create for ourselves in this life but the one we make for ourselves in eternity.

"But what about those who never hear about Jesus? Where do they go when they die?" That's another hard question to ask. But while a universalist view brings a comfortable, easy answer, it makes God smaller. A universalist God is not that holy; He tolerates sin. A universalist God is not all-loving; He isn't motivated by the sacrificial love demonstrated by Jesus' death on the cross. And He's not all-powerful; He can't reach those who have no church and no Bible. But He is all these things. I believe that if God is that holy, that loving and that powerful, and if there is that much at stake, He will somehow and some way make Himself known. Our job as Christians is to do everything in our power share the gospel with those who are in our path, and trust God with the fate of those who we have yet been unable to reach.

Now again I know that there are those who believe it doesn't matter what we believe, and to you I say I respect your view. But I'm mainly writing to believers who are taken by Rob Bell's approach to the faith. I never have been comfortable with Rob Bell, and I've bristled at the comparison some of my friends have made with him and me. Though I think some good has come of it I've never been a fan of the Emergent Church movement and its view that theology is just an ongoing discussion, but hopefully I've added to the conversation in a constructive way. But if what they're saying about his latest book is true, then for me this is cause for alarm. You can't say you believe the Bible is true and then ignore one of its major themes - that a loving, good and powerful God came to save us from an eternity of separation from Him. And that's what sin does - it separates us from relationship with God. It does it in this life, and death just makes that separation permanent.

And a lot worse.

Matters of conscience

2011-03-06T15:13:00.006-07:00

One of the things I find people object to about the Christian faith is that there are a lot of rules that need to be followed. The perception is if you live the right way then you get to go to heaven. "Good" people get saved and "bad" people get to burn in hell. It's no wonder that so many people don't want anything to do with organized religion; they don't want the stench of self-righteousness to cling to them, let alone produce it themselves. I understand this and completely agree with those who say that religion is bad for the world. Actually I would say more specifically that bad religion is bad for the world, and any religion that tells you that your deity's acceptance of you is based upon your behavior is bad religion. I say this because this level of moral requirement is ultimately relative. Who's idea of goodness are you living up to? And how "good" is good enough? If the first question doesn't stump you the second one I think will. But thankfully the Bible has Good News, and that is we can have a relationship with God based solely on having put our faith alone in Him.

But how should a Christian live? Is God concerned about good behavior? Should we be concerned with good behavior? I believe that most people are moral; that they have a sense of right and wrong. This sense of morality can be found in virtually all cultures (well, unless you come from a cannibalistic society). But generally speaking people know that taking something that doesn't belong to you is stealing; lying destroys trust, violence destroys lives, adults shouldn't sexually engage with children and so on. So it shouldn't be too much of a leap to think that God is a moral God and has moral standards He wants people to live up to. And if you think about it, the reason why we live moral lives is so that we can all live together in peace and safety. God wants this for us too. His commands are there not to spoil your fun but to keep you from harm. As a speaker I once heard put it, "We avoid sin not so that God would love us more. We avoid sin for the same reason we avoid putting our lips on a meat grinder. It hurts and it's messy."

But what about the rules that some Christians follow that just seem over the top? You probably know what I'm talking about here: "good" Christians must wear nice clothes to church. They don't touch alcohol, don't watch TV or movies and they certainly don't listen to rock music. They don't send their kids out at Halloween and they even refrain from putting up a tree at Christmas because it was once considered a pagan symbol. Now I have a confession to make - during the first few years of my faith journey I subscribed to some of these notions. But as I grew in my faith I began to see, with the help of the Holy Spirit, two things. The first thing was that I couldn't consistently apply these impossible standards in all situations. Because we live in a fallen world everything has been tainted by sin, and if I was to abstain from everything that well meaning people said was dishonoring to God, I would have to lock myself in my room and never come out. The second thing was that deep down I believed that God's love was conditional to my good behavior. But instead of having to live right in order to be loved by God, I eventually came to see that God's love was what helped me to live a life that was right (Titus 2:11-14).

Over time I also came to see that there is room for matters of conscience in the Christian faith. Yes there are absolutes, but there are also shades of gray. Paul the Apostle wrote to the first Christians about issues of conscience in 1 Corinthians 10:23-33 regarding eating food offered to idols. In ancient Greek culture it was customary to offer food to the gods and then sell it in the market. This caused some concern with the Corinthian believers who wondered if their diet would somehow dishonor God. But Paul's take was that idols were nothing but wood and metal and that you should only refrain from eating if you know that it was offered to an idol. This was for the sake of the person who served you the meal and not your own. Paul expands on this idea of conscience in Romans 14 and Titus 1:15, and how people should be (in certain matters) be allowed to decide for themselves if something was right or not. Paul's basic rule of thumb was this: anything that has nothing to do with faith is sin (Romans 14:22-23).

What that means is that when you believe anything in the Bible that is clearly forbidden or permissible, you are living by faith. If you believe that things which are not so clearly forbidden to be sin, you also live by faith. Ultimately, as Paul wrote in 1 Timothy 1:5, "The goal of our instruction is love, which comes from a pure heart and a good conscience and a sincere faith." For the person who doesn't follow Jesus I hope that this will ease your doubts about taking the plunge and living a life of faith in Jesus. And for those of us who already do, it's my hope that we will live with a clean conscience before God, and not judge those who live differently than we do in the gray areas.

Is Jesus the only way?

2011-02-27T14:35:00.008-07:00

For the Christian there is only one way to knowing God, and that is through Jesus. There is no other way. Most other people can't agree with this, as we live in a pluralistic culture. It's considered a narrow opinion (and just an opinion). "How do you know that Jesus is the only way to God?" is the question that's asked, and that's assuming there's a God in the first place. It's an important question that I'm going to take a crack at answering here. I won't be able to address all the objection here because I'm writing a blog post and not a book. If it's a book you want, read Timothy Keller's The Reason for God. I don't have all the answers but that's ok, because uncertainty is the place where I want to start anyways. When people ask a question like the one I'm writing on they're looking for a water-tight answer. You won't get one because we're finite beings, locked in time and space, who don't see the big picture. So instead of building a solid bridge we will, instead, be taking leaps of faith onto stepping stones taking us across the muddy waters of doubt.

We jump onto our first stepping stone when we answer the question, "Can we know anything?" The answer to that question is yes we can know things, but not perfectly. We use things like authority (those who are in the know), reason (what makes sense to us), experience (what our senses tell us), intuition (subjective knowledge) and pragmatism (what "works") as tools to help us know things. They all have their strengths and weaknesses, and sometimes they overlap each other, but we use them all the time to help us decide what's true or false. Authorities and experiences clash, reason is limited, subjective knowledge can't be tested and how things "work" don't always turn out for the best. Because these tools aren't perfect everyone ultimately make a leap of faith. And if we don't jump we are pushed, because the world is constantly pressing in on us and forcing us to take a stand - on a metaphorical stepping stone. And hopefully it's a solid one that won't get us wet.

We jump onto our second stepping stone when we answer the question, "Is there a God?" We can use most of the five tools to make that leap of faith. Reason tells us that there must be a first cause that preceded all things (Einstein grudgingly concluded this when he accepted the validity of the Big Bang Theory). Ironically, Richard Dawkins actually makes the case for a creator in his book The God Delusion, when he outlines all the conditions for life to exist. The odds of it all just happening are, mathematically, impossible. Our senses tell us there is beauty, purpose and order to the universe that randomness cannot produce. Deep down in our hearts we somehow know by intuition that God exists. And we have the Bible as an authority source to tell us that God created all things for His glory.

Or do we? I am making a circular argument here for the Bible's authority, but it is unavoidably the next stepping stone we land on when we answer the question, "Can we trust the Bible?" We can use our tools to say yes, we can trust the Bible. We can reasonably say the Bible has scholastic integrity as there are literally thousands of ancient copies, all of which are remarkably similar. The writers of the Hebrew scriptures regarded the words they were copying as sacred, so accuracy was paramount. The ancients also excelled at the art of memorization, allowing the writers of the Gospels to accurately record the events of Jesus' life decades after they took place. Those who practice the Bible's teachings experience the truth for it themselves, and their lives reflect a moral lifestyle that is noticeable by others. For example last July the CBC did a feature on how the Communist government in China is actually promoting Christianity because it recognizes the church's positive role in their society. By pragmatism Jesus' followers see that the Bible works to promote good in their own lives and in the world.

We can make a case that the "Good Book" can be good for us, cherry-pick what we like and discard the rest. Right? But what about the claims the Bible makes about Jesus Himself? Can we make that final leap of faith and stand on the rock that claims that Jesus is solidly the only way to God? Is it reasonable to say that the apostles and others who were martyred were willing to die to cover up a falsehood? Is it reasonable to say that Christ came back to life when all the enemies of the gospel needed to do was point to Jesus' tomb? Is it reasonable to dismiss Jesus as a fictional character, that He was not a historical figure? I think not. What about the endless ways that Jesus' followers have experienced Him? Anyone who's read my blog knows of my own faith journey. God has answered my prayers and the prayers of many, including the prayers for a young woman I know who came back from the dead. Jesus said that we would know intuitively whether He was telling the truth when we follow Him. When we change our minds about living for ourselves and live for Him we find that this Jesus stuff is pragmatic - it actually works. Those who follow Jesus find love, joy and peace, along with so many other blessings that come from trusting in Him alone.

So why put your trust in Jesus alone? It's because we've messed up and need to be saved, and there's no other name by which people can be saved (Acts 4:12). Now I know that if you didn't believe this before you likely don't believe it now. You have lots of questions and plenty more objections, and that's ok. I didn't set out here to argue with anyone, especially my more secular friends who I love dearly. But I do hope I wrote enough to get you thinking. And I do hope you think about it because whatever you and I believe in, we are literally betting our lives on it. The question is, did we put our money on the right horse? It's my hope and prayer that you come to the answer for yourself; that you will see by the tools to knowing things that all along God has been at work, revealing Himself to you and His unconditional love for you.

Fear and faith

2011-02-16T17:35:00.006-07:00

It's funny how God answers prayer. Lately I've been feeling discouraged, wondering where God is in my life and the world. As a follower of Jesus I believe that God isn't pie in the sky, but rather He's involved in the every day affairs of people. But when we see a gap in our beliefs and experiences (psychologists call this Cognitive Dissonance) we live with the tension between what we think and what we see is real. There's a number of things that I feel this tension over, but one of the biggest ones had to do with my wife's job. Angel just wasn't happy at work; people dynamics, feeling under-utilized and unappreciated, lack of communication, all of these things were really getting to her. Ever since Angel returned to work from her parental leave she had been dealing with this stuff, and she had to put up with it before she went on parental leave. All she could do was try and stick it out and do the best she could.

That was up until yesterday. I got a call from Angel, who was on the train en-route home, with some good news & bad news. "Tell me the bad news first," I said. "I got laid off," she said. "The good news is now we don't have worry about Jess' child care during spring break." I stood there with the phone in my hand, feeling a mild sense of shock, and the first thing that went through my head is, "This is an answer to prayer." Not exactly the answer that was expected, mind you. But there was a sense of relief I felt, as Angel had now been released from a position she felt trapped in. When she got home she explained that there just wasn't enough work, but her boss was kind enough to give her five week's severance pay (which we can stretch out to last us til the end of March). By that time, if Angel can't find work, E.I. will kick in. After that things will be difficult financially, but at least the severance pay buys us some time.

It's funny how we both feel about Angel being out of work, but the best way to describe it is a mixture of fear and faith. Are we scared? Yes we are. We've been in tough financial spots before, but never have we had so much at stake as we do now. Years ago we were just renters driving an old car and no kids. This time we have a mortgage, car payments and, most importantly, a daughter to care for. Is she scared? Most definitely. Having come from an impoverished family background Jess keenly feels it when resources are scarce. We reassure her that things will be ok but we just don't know when. This is where the faith part comes in. We have the benefit of experience to look back on when we say that God is a good, loving provider. Back in the early 90s when Angel & I were both out of work I was accepted into a job retraining program, sponsored by the government, where I received an education that got me a job working with adults with disabilities. This was a program I was interested in taking but hadn't the money to enroll in school for.

God provided a home for me, Angel & her mom for us to buy together that was ideal for our living situation (a four-level split, which gave us a sense of separation under one roof). And when the time came when we sold the house it was when the market was hot and we all walked away with enough money for everyone to have a fresh start. And God also provided a home for us in that hot real estate market. And when the time came for her to leave the photo studio for a less stressful job God gave Angel a new job at just the right time - the very one she work at up until yesterday. Those are just a few examples (big ones mind you) of how we've seen God at work to meet our needs. And wouldn't you know it - today, the day after Angel got laid off, she gets her first phone call for a job interview since she started sending out resumes back in the fall. It doesn't mean that she has a job in the bag yet (she doesn't know too much about the position she applied for), but it does give us cause for hope. And if Angel does get work soon that means we can use the severance pay for things like savings, paying off debt, buying Jess that new bike we promised her - you get the picture. We covet your prayers in the meantime, and stay tuned for further updates.

I have a feeling that there's another post coming that'll tell about how God came through for us again - this time as a family.

Update, February 24: Angel has just been offered a job in downtown Edmonton, which she has accepted. It's a marvelous thing that she got so many calls and interviews in the week since she was laid off, and now she starts her new job on Monday. Thank you Father for being such a good provider!

Love one another

2011-01-30T13:13:00.003-07:00

How can you tell if a person is a Christian? This was the question I asked this morning in church. It was my turn today to preach the sermon, and our teaching team at Calvary has been doing a series on the book of 1 John. Now anything that John writes about has to do with what is real; as an eyewitness to the life of Jesus Christ he was concerned about setting the record straight on who Jesus was and what a life of following Him looked like. So the passage I got to speak on was 1 John 2:7-17, which is about an old yet new command (to love one another), walking in the light versus walking in darkness, growing in the faith and not loving the world.

Jesus personified love. His life demonstrates that God is not "pie in the sky" but rather He is involved in the real world. When Jesus renewed the command to love others He qualified it by adding, "Love, as I have loved you." Jesus didn't love people like people love people. Human love can be so self serving and fleeting, but Jesus' love was unconditional and sacrificial. How many of us can say we love enough to die for someone else? As a parent I would gladly do that for my daughter. But would I take a bullet for pedophiles, rapists, war criminals and serial sex-killers? Jesus did, but it wasn't a bullet but rather a nail (make that three) that He took for the whole world. And He did it so that the world would be restored back to where it was in the beginning, before sin (mine and yours) messed it up.

So how does Jesus work to renew the world today? He does it in the lives of those who follow Him. And how can we tell who is a follower of Jesus? We see it when Christians love each other. This love isn't just lip service, but rather it shows its true colors by action. If we say we love God but hate (detest, abhor, withhold love, show contempt or indifference) those who follow Jesus then you are not a Christian. It's not an easy thing to say, especially since as I get older I see less black & white and more gray (or maybe I'm seeing things more in color, which is distinctive but varied). But John the eyewitness to Jesus saw the real McCoy of love, and compared His love to the pale shadow of love we live by.

As we grow in our faith our love and character will mature, along with our understanding of God's mission to press the reset button of life. But we have to be careful about the things of the world that compete for our love. It's so easy to get caught up abusing sex, food, chasing after things, etc. and become proud because we forget that God has provided everything that ultimately will fade away. It's also hard to love others who we frankly can't stand or find their faith suspect. Can I actually love a man like Terry Jones, a pistol-packing preacher who wanted to burn the Koran just to make a statement? Can I love those who profess faith in Christ (I'm referring to the Westboro Baptist crowd here) but say that God hates homosexuals (which He doesn't), and that God is punishing us by allowing soldiers to die in combat (which He's not)? What about Christians who live a homosexual lifestyle? Can I accept the idea that someone can actually be saved and yet deny God's plan for one man to be in union with one woman? These are hard questions for me, and they are for you too. And yet while God may not be calling us to condone, He is calling us to love.

We mature in the faith when we love each other, and not the world. When we love, we grow up and we reach out, because the love we as Christian have will tell the world that Jesus loves with an unconditional love. Will we then withhold our love for the things of the world, and love our brothers & sisters? Let me leave you with a final thought from Brennan Manning's The Ragamuffin Gospel. He writes, "Though Christ no longer visibly moves among us, we minister to Him in the ragamuffins within our reach. In the upper room, the man like us in all things but ungratefulness spelled out the game plan of gratitude: “Love one another as I have loved you.” To Peter on the sea of Tiberias He said, “If you love me, Simon, son of John, tend my sheep.” Quite simply, our deep gratitude to Jesus Christ is manifested neither in being chaste, honest, sober and respectable, nor in church-going, Bible-toting, and Psalm-singing, but in our deep and delicate respect for one another.”

That is how you can tell if someone is a Christian.

Looking with an eye to the future

2010-12-30T15:39:00.008-07:00

It's almost the end of 2010, and usually I take the time to reflect on what's happened in the world and in my own personal life. It's been a tough year globally; an earthquake in Haiti, volcanic ash over Europe, the Gulf oil spill, economic uncertainty and the threat of war on the Korean peninsula all make us mindful of how messed up things are. But events like Canada's success at the Vancouver Winter Olympics, the rescue of 33 Chilean miners and the launch of the first commercial orbital spacecraft tell of determination and the human spirit. In the face of difficulty and hardship the world still moves forward, sometimes falling down and sometimes overcoming adversity. I'd shutter to think of a world without common grace to help us in our times of need.

I also think back on my family life. This time last year we were just getting to know Jess, but in the span of a year we've bonded and it feels like we've always been together. But my thoughts are more fixed with an eye to my and my family's future. Ever since we got Jess I've been trying to picture where I'd be in the next few years; I'm presently content with my role as a bus driver for Robin Hood, but I don't know if that job is going to be enough to take care of my family in the future. Recently that very subject came up over coffee with Greg, my pastor. We were debriefing after the soul care training I put together last month when Greg asked me what thoughts I had given to my future. I knowingly smiled, having been asked that question more than once by him and others who probe to see if I have any aspirations for vocational ministry.

So I share a few thoughts, like switching to ETS or my interest in peace officer work. He then asks me if these are things that would really satisfy me. Again I knowingly smile; I'm not biting and the fishing expedition needs a bit more bait. Greg just won't give up on the idea of me pastoring in a church, in spite of me telling him that the fire's just not in my belly anymore. Then Greg puts out a proposal that shows just how serious he is (and how serious I should consider pastoring). He said, "I can find you a ministry position." Now these words are not idle, as Greg is a man with connections. As director for YWAM in Alberta and a sitting member of our denomination's regional board Greg has influence. He has an ear to the ground when it comes to what's happening in churches, so I know not to take his offer lightly. And yet I'm skeptical, and I tell him as much. Even though I have a leadership diploma and an associate degree from two different Bible colleges, I tell him that churches are looking for pastors with at least a bachelor or arts.

Greg disagrees with this assessment, and encourages me to consider his offer. He also added that this would likely mean pulling up our stakes and putting roots down in a new community. This is a scenario that's difficult for me to embrace. We just got Jess settled into her new life, not to mention that I'm very fond of our cozy little townhouse. Both have taken time and a lot of work to get them to where they are now, and while the thought of a fresh start is somewhat appealing I'd rather stay put. In fact I told him that the best scenario would be for Calvary to take me on staff. But that's not in the cards I'm told, and that while this needs to be a family decision the offer should still be considered. I tell him I'd talk it over with Angel & Jess, and thank him for his offer. But the skepticism is still there.

In spite of my doubts I know enough to know that maybe, just maybe, this is God knocking on my door. So, having given it a fair bit of thought, prayer and discussion with the family we have, as a family, made a decision to let Greg - as he put it -find me a ministry position. But there's a catch, and that we must stay within the province. Most of our kin are here in the Edmonton area but two of my nieces have moved to Calgary, so if we either go north or south we're relatively close to family. Having made the decision doesn't change our lives right now nor does it put any enthusiasm for ministry back into me, but I do feel slightly out of my comfort zone. Part of me expects our lives to stay the same for some time, and yet I know from our experience with adopting Jess that our lives can turn on a dime in a relatively short time. And what do I do if Greg actually calls me with a prospective ministry placement? I guess I'll cross (or burn) that bridge when I get to it. In the meantime 2011 comes with the same hopes and expectations as any other year.

But I guess one never knows what the future will bring... At any rate, Happy New Year everyone :)

Christmas anticipation

2010-12-21T09:14:00.006-07:00

Well, it's arrived - the first official day of winter. Not that we needed the calendar to tell us that, 'cuz we've had snow and cold temperatures here for weeks now. It's also three days until Christmas, and it's been a time of anticipation for us. Even though it's our second Christmas with Jess it's our first as a officially minted family. In many ways it feels like it's our first Christmas together. This time last year we were all just getting to know each other. It was the honeymoon phase of Jess' placement, which came to an end after the holiday season and the hard work of building relationships began. But we've had a year of ironing out a lot of the wrinkles (there's still a bit of smoothing out that needs to be done), and in that time we have bonded as a family.

I was talking about this to someone recently and he made a point I never thought of before: Jess has history with us now, and with that history comes the anticipation. It made so much sense! Jess not only has formed a relationship with us, but with my family and Angel's too. My brother Palle's back from his tour in Afghanistan, My niece Jenelle is back in Edmonton on Christmas break from the U of C, and my niece Karlene and her husband Jeffrey are coming up from Calgary this Friday. It's their first Christmas as a married couple, so there are a lot of firsts for the family. And with those firsts also comes the anticipation of others too.

While these are happy firsts, it's not all cheer for everyone. My younger brother and his wife, who for the past four years had been fostering a little girl with a disability, said goodbye to Hannah who went to her forever family at the beginning of the month. It had been their intention to adopt her but for reasons I won't divulge they made the difficult decision to give her up. So they've been grieving their loss at a time of year when loss is keenly felt. Many people do at this time of year, and it reminded me of what Jess' birth mom must have gone through last year, and what she may be feeling this year. For us and for Hannah's new forever family our Christmas blessing came at the expense of someone else's loss. The reasons for those losses are very different, but they are losses nonetheless.

Jess felt the loss too, but differently as it reminded her of the many transitions she had to make before settling in with us. But we helped her work through the emotional turbulence and moved forward with our Christmas preparations. It will be a bitter-sweet Christmas for us all, but we know there's so much to be thankful for. I know I'm looking forward to everyone being together and making new memories as a reconstituted family. And who knows what the family will look like next year, or where we all might be? I say that because I've been mindful of the future lately, and that we could be anticipating some changes in store for the three of us. But that's another post... So wherever you are, whoever you will be with, whatever blessings and losses you are experiencing, I want to wish you a Merry Christmas.

In a month of magic to some and melancholy to others, may we meet the Messiah - the one in the manger who shows us mercy & meaning.

Caring for souls

2010-11-23T16:27:00.004-07:00

Something that's always been on my heart is a desire to minister to the broken-hearted. Experiencing sorrow in my own life has given me a measure of empathy for the pain others feel. Over the years I've had the opportunity to be both a giver and recipient of this kind of ministry, and I always wanted to take those experiences and pass them onto others. Over this past year that desire has gotten serious, as I approached the leadership of my church with a proposal to teach what has come to be called "soul care." I'm happy to say that last week I finally got to teach this stuff at Calvary, my home church. Now, what is soul care exactly? It's the act of partnering with God's work to heal the broken-hearted with the goal of becoming more like Jesus. It's about walking along side of those who suffer in a relational way, and even though it's called soul care it ministers to the whole person - spirit, soul and body. One of the things I learned from my studies at Prairie Bible College is that we need to find resolution with our past in order to grow presently into more mature Christians. As followers of Jesus our character defines our lives and gives credence to our faith. If the world doesn't know us for being people of love, compassion and integrity then this reflects poorly on the God we serve. It's so important to deal with the hurts of our past because, as a pastor I once knew said, "Hurt people hurt people."

Whenever you reach out to those who hurt you do so out of your understanding of who you are as a Christian. For followers of Jesus this comes out of their understanding of their identity as God's children. It's this understanding of one's identity in Christ that gives us compassion for the brokenhearted. Neil T. Anderson lists off the identity traits of God's children when he asks the question, "Who am I in Christ?" This was the first part of the class I taught, as it's so important to start with the soul "care-giver". If you're not a person who is compassionate, empathetic, trustworthy and models growth (not perfection) then people won't come to you with their problems. Resolving who we are in Christ is the key to becoming such a person. The next thing I taught was issues of loss. We really don't think about loss, and yet we experience losses on a regular basis. They can be material or relational losses, the loss of self image, loss of health, loss of a dream, job or role, or final losses (like death). They can be frequent or gradual, and accumulate over time; they can be ambiguous, be seen just over the horizon and also be unspeakable. The soul care-giver must be able to listen and show compassion, because we are called to "mourn with those who morn" (Romans 12:5). The last part of the course touched on developing listening skills and learning how to pray with those who you give an ear to.

Years ago when I began thinking about teaching soul care to others I was in a place where I was not only a giver of soul care, but also a recipient. Having lived with Clinical Depression deepened my empathy for others, especially Christians who had Depression. I'm ashamed to say that at one time I though that if you were a Christian and were depressed this meant there was something wrong with your faith. And while Depression obscures your faith, it doesn't mean a lack of faith caused it in the first place. So it's my hope that by bringing more awareness of people's emotional burdens that the church can become more of a safe place of healing. It should be in the first place, and I know many churches are. But there's an element in the Christian community that doesn't realize that this was the way in which Jesus reached out to people. In fact the Bible says in Luke 4:14-20 that Jesus kicked off His public ministry in this way. So basically when we do soul care we are carrying on the work that Jesus started 2000 years ago. I'm thankful for the people in my life who came alongside me and walked with me in my dark night of the soul. They were Jesus to me, and through my brokenness I experienced more of God's favor in my life. It's my hope and prayer that all believers learn the art of caring for souls. And this doesn't extend to just those inside the church. As our world drifts farther away from God there will be those who will come to the church, tired and broken from a life of sin. They will need to know that there is good news for them too; that they can be set free from their chains, find new sight, freedom from oppression and to receive God's favor.

May God touch all our lives with His favor, so that we can pass it onto those who are broken.

Jessica - one year later

2010-11-04T07:36:00.005-06:00

It's 7:35 AM. Jess has just gotten up and is digging into her bowl of Fruit Loops. It's the start of a new day just like any other over the past two months. Angel's back to work full time and I'm Mr. Mom, who goes to work after Jess catches her bus and picks her up after school. But today is special, because one year ago we all met for the very first time. Where did the time go? I think back to how everything was so new this time last year. I can still see this pretty little dark haired girl with jeans and a pink shirt, standing at the top of the stairs at the foster home, waving at us when we walked in the door. I remember how excited an nervous we all felt. I remember how slow we had to take things, as we all were getting a feel for each other. That first outing to West Edmonton Mall, her first visit to our home, and her first sleep-over. Jess has since told us that the first time she felt love for us was on the night of that sleep-over, because she said she trusted us. That trust has been well tested this past year. Will these people who I call Mom & Dad really be there for me? has been the big question that Jess continues to sort though her mind.

It's 2:20 PM and I just got off work. I've got a massage therapy appointment in an hour and I was going to drop Jess off at Grandma's. Jess opted to spend the afternoon at a friend's instead. I think about the relationships she's made, and how some of them have come and gone. I guess when you've lived a transitional life you get used to that. The friend that she's with right now isn't even going to be around much longer, as her family is moving away in January. I think we long for stability in an unstable world, that familiarity that gives us identity and security. It's only been a year now, but I hope we've been able to lay a foundation of belonging that will keep her grounded for life. As her forever family we've offered that stability to her relationally, spatially and emotionally, but it wasn't until recently that we had legal stability. On Monday Jess' adoption order came in the mail. Up til then Jess was still a ward of the province, which was always something in the back of our minds. Yes, in every sense we were her parents, but having the order gave us the same decision making power that any other parent has. Plus there's something about the written word that cements an idea in your head. You look at it and go, "Ok, there's my name... there's Angel's name... there's Jess' new name... and there's the judge's signature and the seal of the court... looks legit to me!" Of course we had to celebrate when the letter came in, Red Lobster style. We all ate way too much, and it didn't help when our waiter came out with free ice cream to help us mark the occasion. A well fed family is a happy one indeed.

8 Pm. We just came home from an evening out; Jess has spelling to work on, make a lunch and have a bath before her & Dad read together. Bed time is 9 o'clock, which by then I'm being beaten by the sandman as well. It's been an ordinary day, much like the many days before this one. Maybe that's what makes it so extraordinary; the fact that we are a family when it was so hard to imagine ourselves as a family. I have no idea what the next year will have in store for us, but I can imagine that I will be sitting at my computer in a year from now and once again ask myself, "Where did the time go?" I imagine that I will again be full of wonder and marvel at all that has happened, both the downs and ups of life as a family. I can look back and say that my love for Jessica has deepened over the last 365 days, and I imagine it will deepen even more in the next 365. I hope that I will also become a wiser, more patient father than before. God knows she deserves it. So here's to another year of family life, where we will look back and say here is Jessica - one year later.

The New Normal

2010-08-31T09:46:00.002-06:00

Wow, where did the summer go? It's already the end of August; the temperature's starting to drop, the days are noticeably shorter and the leaves are starting to change color. We finished up a weekend of camping with our extended family last Sunday, which is becoming an annual tradition for us, so I guess summer is officially over (in my mind at least). But another question has made an even bigger impression on my mind - where did the last nine months go? It seems like yesterday that Jess was placed with us, and a lot has happened since we got her. But in the adjustments that we've all made life was never really "normal." Angel was on parental leave, Jess was going to a school that we didn't enroll her in and in all this time she's still been a ward of the province. But all of that is changing, and we are settling into what a normal life will be like for us - the new normal.

For starters, Angel's parental leave has ended, and she's now back to work. This wasn't exactly plan A for her, as she would really like to be a stay at home mom. Jess would have liked that too, as both her and Angel have really bonded in the last few months. In fact Jess asked if she could be home schooled. If the circumstances were different we would consider it, as home schooling has been often shown to benefit kids better both socially and academically. Unfortunately I don't earn an income that would afford such an arrangement, and even if I did Jess would benefit better from a professional education, given her special needs. So last week Angel reported back to her old job, which gave her quite a bit of anxiety. Things had changed since she left and the office dynamic when she left wasn't, shall we say, the most positive. But so far things have been ok and she likes her new supervisor, who is a real people person from what Angel tells me. Some changes had been made to the way Angel gets paid and given time off, and at first we were concerned about what our income was going to look like. But after getting some more information it looks like we're going to be ok financially, which of course is a constant concern.

The new normal is going to look a little different for me at my work. Because of the uncertainty of our finances and schedule I (reluctantly) decided to apply for a day program position at Robin Hood. It made a lot of sense to me at the time; even though I love my job as a driver I feel a bit under-utilized, what with my education and experience working with people with developmental delays. The posting came up just as we were trying to figure out Jess' child care arrangements before and after school, and the 9am to 3pm shift would have been perfect for our scheduling needs. As well it would have given me more hours than the modified schedule my boss in transportation was kind enough to arrange.

So I went for an interview last week, which I think I did ok, but a couple of developments have taken place that have made my application to the day program unnecessary. The first is that one of our drivers is leaving, so my boss is able to offer me hours on Fridays now (my old schedule was Monday to Thursday). The second development has to do with Jess' school. As it stands when Jess will take the bus to her new school she'll have to wait five minutes before the doors open to let students in. This did not sit well with us, even though Jess was used to this arrangement at her other schools. But then we learned that there will be a supervisor on site at the same time Jess gets off the bus. This was huge relief to us, and so with fewer reasons to leave than to stay I withdrew my application for the day program. This not only made my boss happy but me as well; even though I feel over-qualified to drive a bus I enjoy the job so much. But I can always apply for another day program position down the road if I wanted to, but next time it will be because I want a change and not feel forced to make a change.

So the new normal starts tomorrow, with Jess going to her new school and with me going back to work. I've always enjoyed the sense of new beginnings that September brings, along with the warm days, cooler evenings and bright autumn colors. Weekly routines, new and old, are started up; swimming, folk dancing, Bible studies and family nights will now be the norm again. And when the adoption order is finally granted, hopefully some time in September, life will truly take on a new norm for Jess. She will finally have a sense of closure, and we will too, in our adoption journey. The one thing that Jess wants, aside from having a family, is to feel like she's normal. And we tell her she is normal; she's just had an abnormal history. With the start of new routines, a new school and a sense of a new family life, we will all hope to find a sense of happiness in life, in our new normal.

Numbers

2010-07-30T21:21:00.005-06:00

Today is my last day of 30-something. Tomorrow I enter that stage in life where I am considered "middle aged." Yes, tomorrow I turn 40. For some turning 40 is a hard thing, and I have to admit that a few years ago I had a real hard time with the aging process. I dreaded getting older; mainly because I felt that my life was less than I thought it should be, but now I am actually looking forward to my 40-something years. There have been a few things that have changed my attitude towards aging. When my friend David James turned 40 two years ago his wife threw him a big party, which made 40 look fun. Ever since then I have looked forward to my 40th birthday party, which my loving wife threw for me last week. It was a blast having my family and friends there, and I thank everyone who was there either in body or spirit. But as I look back on 40 years of simply being alive I realize that I am so blessed, and that has changed my attitude more than anything else. Those blessings break down into simple numbers, some of which I will list off for you now.

40 years of simply being alive.
23 years of following Jesus.
19 years of marriage to Angel.
18 years of belonging to a great church - Calvary Baptist
11 years of preaching sermons at Calvary.
5 years of serving Calvary as an Elder.
2 year Associate of Arts Degree from Prairie Bible College, which took 10 years of distance learning to complete.
4 years of living in our cozy little condo.

These are all things that have special meaning to me, and I could keep rattling off more numbers like 2 loving parents, 3 brothers and their wonderful wives; numerous nieces and nephews, cousins, aunts, uncles, in-laws and many who I am blessed to be counted as a friend to. Here are a couple of numbers that I am especially fond of:

8 months of parenthood to one sweet little girl, who calls me Daddy.

All of these blessings have come from the hand of the one true God, who is the author of everything good that is in this world. I have learned from Him to count my blessings and ignore my failures; to enjoy the relationships and even the accomplishments I have made, poke fun at my aging process and to give Him the glory for it all. Thanks to Jesus I see that my 40s are not the end, but the beginning of even better things ahead. For some reason 40 is a number found in the Bible that is associated with the end of trials and testing, and the beginning of blessing - new and wonderful things that God does in people's lives. If that is true, and I believe it is, then I say bring 40 on. I can't wait to see what it looks like.

(By the way, the picture I posted is not intended to say that I don't want to age past 40 - I plan on living 40 to the max!)

First family camp-out

2010-07-19T23:07:00.004-06:00

There are two times of the year that I'm especially fond of - Christmas and summer vacation. It used to be that while on vacation I would think of Christmas, and during Christmas I would think about vacation! Well my thoughts this year were focused very much on the here and now, as this was our first camping trip as a newly minted family. Now I'm not bragging here when I say this, but Angel & I consider ourselves as seasoned, expert "front-woods" campers. None of this sissy trailer/motor home with the satellite dish type of camping. I mean the type of camping with a tent, Coleman stove and sleeping bags that don't leave you quite so warm at 2AM type of camping. Years of experience have equipped us well not only with the right stuff to bring but also a knowledge of some of the best spots around. It was this well of experience that we were eager to share with our daughter, but there was none more eager here that Jess.

Our adventure started by packing our new Dodge Journey with all our camping gear. Now I have to say that in years past when it was just me, Angel & our Pontiac Wave we would fold the seats down and have the car stuffed from floor to ceiling with all our gear. Nothing changed this year. With room in the back for Jess we thought there would also be some wiggle room in that spacious new cross-over of ours. But nothing could have been farther from the truth, as the familiar pillar to post packing experience resulted. Apparently ten year olds don't travel light, but there was an extra that Angel got mad at me for packing, saying that it needlessly took up space - our three man tent. Apparently she felt that packing it was unnecessary what with our having a big six-man tent as well. Little did we both know how handy it would come in later on our trip, but you'll have to read on to find out how...

With our vehicle packed, in-car DVD player loaded and a hearty A&W breakfast sitting heavy in our stomaches we pointed our Journey south and our journey began by heading to Drumheller. Now for those who aren't familiar with Drumheller, Alberta, it is known for its hoodoos and dinosaur finds. It seems that everything in Drumheller has a dinosaur theme to it - restaurants, shops and touristy type places all play up the prehistoric monster theme. Drumheller even boasts the world's largest dinosaur - a towering beast 26 meters (86 feet) tall that has a set of stairs inside taking you to an impressive view of Drumheller from the inside of its mouth. A little tacky, but yes I did make the climb - and for $3 too. But the best thing that was waiting for us in Drumheller was my brother Niels, his wife Janice and their two kids. They were on the tail end (no pun intended) of their vacation and thought it would be great for ours to overlap with theirs. Jess loves hanging with her younger cousins, and it was a great way to kick off our holidays. We took in the Hoodoos, some walking trails and a couple of touristy places as well as the world famous Royal Tyrrell Museum.

Our last night in Drumheller was not quite what we expected, as severe weather blew us (almost literally) out of our camp site. We were forced to bug out and spend the night in a hotel (one of the last rooms available), which Jess didn't mind at all. She said she never stayed in one before, and loved taking advantage of things like the hot tub and a queen sized bed all to herself. Next day, after having a continental breakfast (included in our stay) and a last check of the weather channel, we headed for what we consider the best spot in the province - Waterton Lakes National Park. This is the part where the small tent came in handy. We've learned the hard way that big tents don't fare so well in windy Waterton, so the first night there Jess & Angel slept in the three-man while I slept in the Journey. It was cold and a little wet for them and a bit cramped for me, but we survived. The wind and rain went away and, with the big tent up the next day we set out to take in all that this gem of a park had to offer. The highlight of our stay there was our visit to Red Rock Canyon and the hike to Blakiston Falls, though it was for different reasons. While Angel & I loved the scenery Jess was most impressed by the new friend she made - a squirrel that came right up to her and licked her hand.

Sadly we had to leave Waterton after only two full days, but the trip to Calgary and their rather impressive zoo made for a nice finish to our vacation. We also had time to visit a few friends I went to Bible college with - Janice and Bonnie - and their husbands. Bonnie & her husband Chris are currently on their own adoption journey, and we were happy to answer their questions and share our experiences with them. It all added up to a memorable vacation, this our first family camping trip. For Jess it wasn't just all the sights we visited but simply the time we spent together that made it special. She loved playing games after supper and sleeping together in the same tent. Even when it rained she loved just chilling in the tent with us. Taking Jessica on holidays took me back to my own childhood, and the great memories of camping in the mountains. Looking back on my own memories thrilled me, knowing that we were helping Jess to make her own. And for her the memory making goes on, as we took her to camp right after we got home. While Angel & I get another week of holidays together Jess is at Moose Lake Gospel Camp, where her cousins Jenelle and Rayleen are on staff. It's nice to have that down time after such a busy week of camping. It's so quiet in the house. It's nice.

I wonder how Jess is doing...

Refocusing

2010-07-06T19:43:00.010-06:00

Have you ever felt like you were in over your head? Of course you have. We all experience times where we feel overwhelmed. I am no exception. Especially at late. For the past three weeks I've been dealing with the sense that my resources have been overtaken by the needs before me. In fact I didn't even realize I was feeling this way until two weeks ago. It started to build when Angel's employer got back to her about modifying her hours when she goes back to work in the fall. Actually we were hoping it would be in the fall that Angel would go back to work; you see, her date of return is in late August, one week shy of Jess going back to school. The hope was that Angel could put off going back to work for just a bit longer so that someone would be there for Jess. Well, Angel's employer would have none of that. Not only was she expected to return to her job on August 23 but she also wasn't getting the "mommy hours" she was hoping for. So after a bit of negotiation I managed to have my hours at work modified so that someone (namely me) would be there for Jess when she goes to school and when she comes home. After that we felt like we dodged a bullet, having felt a lot of stress over who would look after our daughter during the school year.

Next we sat down and crunched the numbers, looking at what Angel's earnings would be minus the reduction in my hours, and found we had about $120 more to work with a month. Great! Hey, we said, why not look at getting that new car we've been thinking of? The "car" I refer to is actually a SUV/Minivan crossover - a Dodge Journey. We looked into buying one back in February, but the time just wasn't right then. We felt we needed a bigger vehicle as our Pontiac Wave is a little small for when the three of us are going places, especially out of town. Our trip to Kananaskis definitely proved that. So, with a combination of using some savings, reorganizing our budget and using the proceeds of the sale of our Wave, we figured we could make the plunge. And we did. We now own a 2009 Journey. It's a good family vehicle and it will definitely be good for when we go camping. The seats in the back fold down, creating ample room for our tent, sleeping bags, gear, you name it. Also it's a lot more comfortable to ride in; road trips in the Wave were fun but cramped for two people to sit for hours on the road (not to mention it would be impossible for us to have our stuff and Jess in the car). So, instead of borrowing my parent's van we can now enjoy our holidays in our new car.

The joy of getting a new set of wheels for me however was short lived. It didn't take long for me to realize that we were going through more fuel than I was expecting. You see I had done some homework on the Journey, and found that the base model is just as fuel efficient as our old car. But what I didn't realize that our Journey, having the V6 engine instead of the four cylinder, actually consumes roughly 25-30% more fuel. This doesn't sit well with me as I'm somewhat eco-conscientious, but also it affects our monthly budget. We map out our spending very carefully, and we don't have much wiggle room. Now stuck with a car that's sucking the gas money out of our wallets, things are looking even tighter. Suddenly, it seemed, I felt the weight of what it was to be a parent. It wasn't just the money thing, but the money thing just seemed to amplify all the other responsibilities that came with looking after Jess. I was in over my head, or so it felt. So for a while I was (and still do a little) feeling depressed, anxious and wondering what to do. In my head, and in talking with Angel about all this stuff, I knew that we were going to be ok in the long run. But I still felt desperate for a solution.

But then I came to a realization, and this was something that I didn't do on my own. This was something that God had to show me, and that is that I lost my focus. My feelings of insecurity had more to it than just about dollars and cents. I had become so focused on life in this world that I forgot that this world wasn't even my home to begin with. Instead of seeking God's kingdom and His righteousness, believing that God would provide for my needs, I forgot that life was about more than food and clothing (Matthew 6:25-34). Yes, I have to be responsible with the resources God has given me, but I also have to trust God to take care of the things I can't. My job is to be faithful with what God has given me; not just my money, but my talents, gifts, skills and, most importantly, the relationships I have. He will take care of the rest. Already God has given me a measure of peace, along with some tangible blessings. Just yesterday our pastor phoned and wanted to know if the church could sponsor Jess to go to a Bible camp in August. Still, I still struggle with refocusing on God, but I know that God has brought us through tight spots in the past. And there's no reason to think He would stop now.

Besides, God has blessed us with a beautiful child; why would He provide us with a family, in such a miraculous way, only to pull the rug out from under our feet?

From dude to Dad

2010-06-20T19:56:00.004-06:00

Today is Father's Day. It's not as big of a deal as Mother's Day I grant you. Moms rate over Dads usually, and sometimes dads take a bum rap. Consider this one Twitter tweet I saw today: "Happy Fathers Day to all the dads out there who didn't quite deliver. Without you, there wouldn't be strippers or comedians." Ouch! Ok, I understand the underlying message here, that Dads aren't just a cultural invention that aren't needed in the grand scheme of things. Dads count. Dads are needed, just like Moms. A year ago I would have said the same thing, but it wouldn't have been from personal experience. Having gone from dude to Dad has reinforced my belief that we need two-parent families with a Mom and a Dad. Yes, I know we live in a culture with many different kinds of families. But honestly a family with a mom and a dad, who love each other and can parent their kids authoritatively (instead of being permissive or authoritarian) is the best family a child could have.

How do I know this? Studies prove it and I see it work in families where the marriages have been strong and the parenting was loving and consistent. I've also seen it fail in families where both the marriage and the parents were unhealthy and dysfunctional. Now I realize that there's a degree of relativity here. Marriages end for reasons that may not be the fault of both parties. Good kids can come out of bad families and vice-versa . But those situations are, in my experience, against the odds and are the exception . But mostly I know these things from being Jess' Dad. Angel & I have been given the task of helping Jess rebuild her life; a life that was, shall we say, less than ideal. We have been given the task of picking up the pieces. We know we can't change her, but we can give her an environment of love, structure and responsibility where she will (hopefully) thrive. And it's more than one parent can give her. She, like any other child, needs two parents - maybe even more so than other kids.

While Jess will go to Angel for certain things, for other things she will come to me. Usually it's when she's scared, and that happens a lot at night. At night, when she's in bed, she needs to know that someone is close by. And when she has a bad dream or thinks that a stranger is lurking in the shadows she will call for Daddy. And no, the reasons aren't the same as for any other kid. Those fears are based on history. So when I hear her call me at 2am I'm doing more than just pandering to an unreal fear; I have to communicate presence, comfort and assurance. And when I tuck her back into bed, rub her back a little and pray over her I'm not only there for her as her Dad - I bring the Father in Heaven to her. Dads have the awesome responsibility of showing the heart of God the Father to their kids. This is because when people read the Bible and see God referred to as Father the reference point they have is their dads. How we see our earthly fathers is the way we will see The Father.

Obviously we dads will never get it right 100%. Even though I may be the best Dad Jess ever had (her words, not mine) I make mistakes with her. Lots of them. Even when I admit my failures to her she still has to process those mistakes, along with the mistakes that every other father figure in her life made. But those mistakes are the stepping stones we can walk on a journey that brings us closer to the Father's heart. Much of what I know of the Father's heart came from God healing my father-wounds. But now, almost eight months since we first met Jess, I am learning about God's heart for me through being a dad myself. I'm seeing God the Father more clearly as a provider, a comforter and, especially, a defender. I feel very protective of my little girl. It's surprising how strong I feel about keeping her from harm, almost territorial. But I can only do so much, and ultimately Jess has to make her own choices in life. I have to trust God to handle the things in her life that I cannot. So, as I wind down my first Father's Day I think of how my daughter has touched my heart, in spite of the bumps she sometimes gives me, knowing that God sees me in the same way.

And Jess, years from now when you read this, I want to say again what I said to you tonight when I put you to bed. "Thank you for letting me be your Dad. You have literally made my day."

No accomodation

2010-05-18T17:16:00.006-06:00

Something has happened to me in the last week or so. I can't explain it well in words, so maybe blogging about it will help me understand what has happened. I've had either a change in attitude or a deeper appreciation of the values that have already been there. My worldview has come into a sharper focus; it's like I'm seeing things with a new set of lenses that were long due for replacement. Looking back I think this has been coming for some time, and I'm going to try and flesh it out online here. Please bear with me as you read, especially since I'm aware that I'll be stirring the pot again. I want to be mindful of how others think and feel, yet at the same time I'm not really afraid of how people will react (another thing that has changed).

I think it started with the very last course I took from Prairie, which was Critical Thinking. Because it was a philosophy course from a Christian college it was intended to help believers develop a Christian worldview. However it did examine several other perspectives like Marxism, secular humanism, eastern philosophy and so on. Although it wasn't a textbook (which I told the instructor it should be) they referred to a book called The Universe Next Door by James Sire. Specifically Sire asks seven basic questions that every worldview addresses: What is real? What is the nature of the world around us? What is a human being? What happens when we die? Can we know anything? How do we know what is right and wrong? and What is the meaning of human history? Several worldviews are examined in the book, and every worldview has an answer to these questions. Ultimately the ideas behind these questions have consequences for everyday life. Another book which I finished reading recently (The Reason for God by Tim Keller) takes things a step further by tackling the objections to Christianity and making the case for faith in Christ. It's probably one of the most intelligent books on Christianity I have ever read, and I highly recommend it to both believers and skeptics.

Another thing that has brought about my new change in attitude is our church's recent teaching series on social justice. Several people at Calvary are actively involved with Micah Challenge, a Christian ministry that gets its name from Micah 6:8: "He has shown all you people what is good. And what does the LORD require of you? To act justly and to love mercy and to walk humbly with your God." Its purpose is to highlight social justice issues in Canada and the world, and the teaching series we did was about how Christians can get involved. It's not simple though; the issues are complex and sometimes the question of what is just doesn't have universal consensus. For Christians justice is not just about issues like poverty (which everyone can agree is unjust) but about more controversial issues like abortion. For secularists (most but not all) an unborn child is not a human being until it can survive outside the mother's womb (the contradiction here is that a baby still can't survive outside the mother's womb unless it is fed and cared for). The issue then is labeled as one of moral relativism, where people should be allowed to make up their own mind about the matter. The problem here though is, if morality is relative then why isn't social justice relative?

The last thing that brought me to my newfound thinking was an interview I heard on CBC Radio. Journalist Marci McDonald has released a book titled The Armageddon Factor: The Rise of Christian Nationalism in Canada. In a nutshell the book suggests that the Conservative government under Stephen Harper (who is an evangelical Christian) has been pandering to the so-called "Christian right" in Canada. Several examples were given, and while Ms. McDonald didn't want to "demonize" Christians she does sound the alarm on what she perceives as a dangerous trend in Canadian politics. As I was listening to the interview one thought seemed to crystallize in my mind - that as far a the secularist is concerned, there is no room for accommodation for anything other than the humanist worldview. All of these things that I listed above - the need for believers to develop a Christian worldview, to be able to intelligently defend their faith and to promote social justice - boiled down to one simple truth: Life is not about making a better world, it's about bringing Jesus to a lost world. We can't make heaven on earth based on a worldview that excludes God, but a worldview centered on God brings heaven to earth.

As I said in the beginning these are things that I already knew, but somehow now they take on new meaning that's hard to put into words. For me it means that I can't play it safe anymore, nor can I have my cake & eat it too. I can't pander any more to the values of the world, but rather I have to make a stand - even if it means that I ruffle some people's feathers. For the secularist there is no room for accommodation, and it's the same for God as well. This world, which as Tim Keller says is becoming more secular and religious at the same time, is not my home. I realize it never was in the first place. I am, as the Bible says, an alien and a stranger in a foreign land. My mission is not to get comfortable here in this life, but to take a stand and live out the principles of Micah 6:8 - to do justly, love mercy and walk humbly with my God.

Our first Mother's Day

2010-05-09T22:06:00.008-06:00

Mother's Day had never been easy for Angel. Ever since we found out, so many years ago, that our chances of having a child were next to zero, it was a day that reminded her of what was missing. Over time though Angel began to accept the idea that she may never be a Mom, and began to form a new perspective on motherhood. She even wrote a beautiful poem she called, "The Childless Mother." I'd like to share it with you:

There are feelings that a woman goes through, there is no denying it. Urges, yearnings, deep feelings - things that say it's time to settle down. Instincts that say, "I must nurture life." I am no different. There are questions a woman has; what would it feel like to have a life growing inside me? What activities would I do with my child when he grows up? Will he look like his dad or me? What if we were unable to have children - then what? Are we any less a family without children?

The last is where I find myself more and more. We were told that it doesn't look promising for us; but there are always other options. Where does this leave us? Are we complete? But my instincts say, "I must nurture a life" - is there anyone for me?

The Father of all says yes! My child, there are many out there for you. They may not be of you - but you can still nurture them. In fact they need you to nurture them. They call you friend and Auntie. Give yourself to them. They will take your love and care and be all they can be. They will wrap their arms around you and say, "I love you" and "I missed seeing you." What more joy can anyone dream of? These words will bring you great satisfaction too.

So I find myself in a new place of joy, in a world where I can give of myself to those in need of my care. I can pour out my heart to others and they will bloom. This is a good place to be. They bring me smiles and hugs every time we visit together. I am nurturing many with my talents as I give of myself to those who want me.

I AM A CHILDLESS MOTHER.

Today however, Angel was no longer a childless mother. She awoke to breakfast in bed, received a card and a gift, and was given a flower in church today along with all the other moms. She was taken out to lunch by her husband... and her daughter. It was a very special Mother's Day for her, the very first one as a mom. It will be one that she'll remember for a very long time; a day where God has blessed the faith of my wife - a faith she placed in God in spite of her pain.

Happy Mother's Day, to the mother of my child.
I love you Angel :)

Detour

2010-04-27T12:18:00.004-06:00

Recently I wrote about how we're in the final stretch of our adoption journey. We meet with our placement worker to discuss how things are going; she asks us questions about how our lives have changed, our marriage, how we divide up the parenting responsibilities, etc. We have a great system going, where Angel & I do tag-team parenting. For example I get Jess up in the morning and get her breakfast, and while she's eating I'm in the shower while Angel makes sure she's dressed and ready to go. In the evening Angel gets Jess going with her bath and then I read with Jess before bed. It's those little routines that give the child the structure they need - stuff that social workers like to see in a home where adoptive kids are placed.

Our worker is very generous with the encouragement she's given us. So much so that we're a bit embarrassed about it. In the beginning our workers were wondering if we were the real deal, because we were so ideal in their minds about what they look for in parents. And when you're told that they wish they could clone you that adds to the sense that they think highly of you. Of course we just don't see ourselves as "super-parents" - after all, we're just plain old Hendrick & Angel. So you could imagine our surprise and disappointment when we got a phone call yesterday, telling us the adoption process is being delayed by two months. Apparently our worker feels that we need some more support than we have now; so in a few weeks a parenting coach is coming to visit us, observe and help us with some strategies that will help us be more effective parents.

We have a lot of mixed feelings about this little detour on our adoption journey. On the one hand we are open to any and all supports we can get. We're new parents and we won't pretend that we're experts on how to raise kids. We trust our worker and like her a lot, and we think the feeling is mutual. She has lots of experience with these things and we're sure it wasn't a decision that was made lightly. On the other hand the suddenness of this development has caught us off guard; now we're wondering if we really are the "great" parents we were made out to be. There were suspicions on our side too, that maybe every adoptive family is praised to the skies just to build their shaky confidences up. This has made us second guess how we've been parenting Jess up until now. Are we not being firm enough? Are we doing too much for her? Visions of Jo Frost come to mind, where a British nanny comes into a home to straighten out bratty kids and inept parents...

None of us in our home are happy with this latest development. Angel just wanted to cry when I told her the news (I did too), and Jess was disappointed to hear that there was a delay in the process. She needs closure, and frankly so do we. Getting that adoption order would give us that permanent sense of family; having all our names on the new birth certificate would cement the bond we have developed as parents and child. We feel that Jess has been through enough already, so we're questioning the wisdom of this decision. But I suppose that another two months isn't going to make a difference in the long run. It could end up being the best birthday present Jess ever got; in August she'll get a permanent, legal Mom & Dad for her 11th year. Unless of course there's some other unforeseen snag. I guess that's another thing that bothers us, that it's created a sense of insecurity. My worst fear is that someone will decide that we don't get to be Jess' forever family. I know in my head that the possibility of that is next to zero, but still the feeling is there. All we can do is play ball with Children's Services, and trust God with our family.

After all, He is the one who brought us together. And I don't think He'll simply pull the rug out from under us.

Update, Wednesday April 28: We e-mailed our concerns to our worker yesterday, and she phoned back today and talked with Angel. Our concerns were acknowledged and now the delay is now only weeks instead of months. We're still getting a parenting coach but now she will only observe and give us feedback, as opposed to being hands on with us/Jess. This is a big relief for us! Thank you all for your support on Facebook, and for your love and prayers. And thank you Jesus for seeing us through what's now become just a small bump in the road instead of a major detour.

The change

2010-04-21T11:01:00.006-06:00

I've been asked how life has changed for me and Angel since we got Jess, and figured it would make a good topic for my latest blog post. I have to say that in some ways life has changed a lot for us and in other ways it's stayed the same. What surprises me the most is how well we've adjusted to life as newly minted parents. Before we adopted I had imagined that the change would be as profound as when we were first married 19 years ago (19 years yesterday to be exact), since it was the only frame of reference I had. Back when we were in our (very) early 20s we still had some growing up to do, and we had never lived on our own before, let alone together. So it was huge for us, figuring out not only how to be husband and wife but having responsibilities like paying rent, bills and our own groceries. But almost two decades later we've grown and matured and I think that has really helped us adjust as well as we have to being a family as opposed to just a couple.

I think the biggest thing that has changed for us is how we spend our time. Jess consumes a lot of it! Not that we mind a whole lot. Both parents and child are soaking up the experience of becoming a family. All Jess wanted was to be in a home and have parents and know that she would never have to move again, something she had been deprived of. Angel and I have been deprived of the joy of being parents, so it's quite convenient for all parties involved. It's almost as if we're all trying to make up for the time we felt we've lost. This displaces time spent doing other things and while we do have some spare time still it's not nearly as much as there was before. I wasn't much of a big TV watcher to begin with and now I watch less; and one can tell from my blog that there's more time between posts and less time journaling. Thankfully my studies are all done, as I didn't want to be a student and a Dad at the same time. Looking back I'm glad I had the foresight to knuckle down and get it done before we got Jess. It's also a challenge to do sermons, as I'm finding that I don't get my first draft done until a few days before I preach (it used to be that I would have it done the week before so that I'd have plenty of time to make revisions). One thing I really miss is spending time with friends. I used to go out for coffee from time to time with my guy friends but now that's going more by the wayside. It's something I need to correct, because my friends are important and I need them in my life.

Another thing that has changed is our expenses. We definitely had more disposable income before parenthood! Some expense haven't changed though; having a third person in the house doesn't make your mortgage payments go up, it doesn't cost any more to heat your home, insure your car, watch TV, go on the net or make phone calls. We do pay more for water, gasoline, food and clothing though. And that can be a challenge, since Angel is on parental leave. She does get employment insurance benefits from the government but that only covers 2/3 of her previous income, and even with the child tax credit and the income support for adoption we're bringing in a little less than what we were earning as dual income earners. And once Angel goes back to work in the fall she wants "mommy hours" so we won't have that income we had before. Still, like anyone else, we make things work. Last fall we refinanced our mortgage and this year we used our tax return to pay out what we owed on our car. That made a big difference having our debt servicing and insurance costs go down. Still, it hasn't been easy. This month is the first one since we got Jess that we haven't had to borrow money from our line of credit to make ends meet, which was stressful. But the car's paid for, and now we manage to get by. Just barely, but we get by.

I think one more thing that's changed is where we put our energy, both physically and emotionally. We're a bit more active now, as we hit the pool twice a week and now that spring is here we're at the park more often. So far she's gone roller-blading and bike riding, and last weekend she helped me fly my kite. It's important for her to have an outlet for all of her energy, so we have enrolled in swim lessons and she goes folk dancing every Saturday. Being busy has at times taken a toll on us emotionally, as well as when we're dealing with her "stuff". But what charges our batteries is the love that she shows us and watching her grow as a person. It's been over four months since we've got her, five now since we first met her, and we can see the change in her. She's happier overall, more settled and becoming more open with us. She's still got a long way to go, but she's also come a long way too. Ultimately we want to see her reach her full potential, just like any other parent, but more importantly I want her to know that she has a Father in heaven who will never abandon her (and never did in the first place). If the change in our lives can bring change in hers then it's all worth it - the time, the resources, the energy and the prayer we put into this young life.

And years from now, after Angel and I are long dead and gone and Jess is old and gray, I hope she will see how our adopting her changed her life for the better.

Fears and doubts

2010-04-11T20:48:00.004-06:00

They say that when a woman gives birth that she goes through postpartum syndrome; that sense of being overwhelmed with sudden parenthood, which leaves you feeling depressed and inadequate. They tell you to be ready for that too when you adopt. They also tell you that during the first few months of placement it's going to be rocky. There's going to be conflict; that things will be said to you by your child that you shouldn't take personally. It's going to get worse before it gets better, and that just when you think you're about to throw in the towel your child will actually start to come around. Sure I knew back in January that the honeymoon phase was over, but I was naive to think that things weren't going to get worse. Well, let me tell you, it's gotten worse.

On Friday Sharon, our placement worker, came to call; the final phase of the adoption process is underway. Sharon is starting her post-placement assessment and needs a couple of references who will swear an oath, stating that we are fit to be parents. All of this then goes to a judge and, hopefully, Jess will be officially ours by June the latest. "So, how's it going?" Sharon asks. Angel and I exchange looks and I said, "Well... to be honest, it's been rough the last while." And so I explain. While it seems that Jess and Angel are getting along (though it's been bumpy between them too) lately Daddy's been getting the brunt of a lot stuff from his little girl. Sharon's jaw dropped when I told her this. "Your sweetheart is turning on you?" she asks. Yes, it's true. For some reason my little darling has decided to make me the brunt of whatever bothers her. From little comments here & there to full-on blow-ups we have had our hands full. Sure we both get it at times but for some reason Dad is more of a target than Mom. And when Jess goes balistic it looks a little something like this:

They tell you it's not about you, but rather it's about the process of adjusting to their new family that they put you through the ringer. I understand that. They also tell you to not take it personally because it's not about you. That's the part I'm not doing so well at. I know, I know - you're thinking that this is normal and that every parent goes through this. I get it. But I think there are some differences here when it comes to adoption. I know that I don't need Jess to love me, and that she needs me to love her in order for her to grow emotionally. That I can do. But it still hurts. And it's depressing me at times. And yet the bottom line here is that I have to be the adult, the father that Jess needs me to be. Still, I felt it was important to let her know how her behavior was affecting me. Yesterday I said to her that I understood she was working through her fears, but that I had some fears too. I was afraid that maybe she didn't want to be my daughter after all. She said she did and gave me a hug. Whether that will change anything I know not. But regardless of my fears and doubts I am making a choice here, and that is to be the Dad that Jess needs me to be. It may be killing me on the inside, but I have to believe that in the long run it will pay off.

Not for me though. For Jess. Because it's not about me. It's about her.

First family vacation

2010-04-04T19:26:00.007-06:00

We just got back today from our spring break vacation in Kananaskis country. For those who aren't familiar with this little Alberta gem it's a mountain region west of Calgary, and I dare say the view is almost as good as Waterton, our favorite holiday spot. We stayed at a resort called William Watson Lodge, which is a facility built for people with special needs and their families. Since my brother Niels & his wife Janice are fostering a child with a disability we qualified to go (Janice's mom is blind, and actually the booking was done in her name). We left on Wednesday, which wasn't soon enough for Jess. She was so excited the night before, to the point that she got a little testy, but overall she did a good job of being patient. The four hour drive from Edmonton to Peter Lougheed Provincial Park, where the lodge is, wasn't bad for Jess in spite of her restless nature. I mention these things because her new Mom & Dad are proud of the way she can handle herself, which isn't easy for Jess. It doesn't mean that there haven't been some rocky moments, but considering the challenges she faced in the past she has grown as a person.

Part of that growth has to do with making new memories with her new family. We got to spend time together, not only as a nuclear family but an extended one, with grandparents, cousins and an aunt & uncle. This was important for us as we want to give Jess a sense of community and belonging. We hope that the memories made will help cement that sense of family, and there certainly were a lot of them. Walks down to the frozen lake shore, down a snowy trail or to the playground were memories made outdoors. Meals together, playing games, watching movies via laptop and projector, an Easter egg hunt and celebrating a birthday were ones made indoors. One of my favorite memories made was our drive into Canmore to go swimming. We played a game where you "packed" a bag for a vacation, and you had to list off the contents in alphabetical order. Everyone takes turns listing off what was packed, and you had to remember what the others had listed for the items. By the end of it we had all packed an apple, a bathing suit, candy, diapers, earrings, a flashlight, a goat, a hat, an iPod, a jumper, a kangaroo, lotion, Mexican jumping beans, nail polish, Ovaltine, a porta-pottie, quick instant coffee, a rocketship, a snake, a twirly-top, a u-haul trailer, a violin, the woods, an x-ray machine, a Yeti and a zoo keeper (presumably to keep all the animals contained in our suitcase).

But now we're back home and settled in for every day life again. It's nice to get away but it's always good to be home. It's especially good because this week we begin the final stage of the adoption process. You see, before we left we got an e-mail from Sharon (our placement worker) who said she was delighted to see how well Jess was settling into our home. Jess' recent report card, which we forwarded to Sharon, showed improved grades and is considered as documented proof of progress. Therefore Sharon wants to make us Jess' legal guardians as soon as possible. So, we have a couple of meetings with Sharon in the near future, and the paperwork gets sent to a judge for finalization. This means Jess' old birth certificate will be destroyed and a new one will be issued. It will have Angel & me named as Jess' parents, and have Jess' new legal name: Jessica Ann Miracle Nicolajsen.

I really like the sound of it. So does Jess :)

Writer's block

2010-03-22T13:09:00.003-06:00

I have writer's block. I have no idea what to blog about. Usually I'm able to spit out a couple of posts a month at least but the past couple of months have been a struggle. Part of the problem is the lack of time and energy I have now that I'm a Dad to a 10 year old. Oh I have lots of material to write about concerning her, but much of it is personal for her so it just wouldn't be right to share with everyone on the web about it. The only thing I can say is that we're working through issues, but thankfully there's a lot of good stuff that comes with the territory. Jess is our world right now, and it's a world full of activity, energy, emotion and attention giving. It's safe to say that we are pouring a lot of who we are into Jess, and she just soaks it up like a sponge. We are so blessed that we aren't the only ones adding to her life. Our extended family has readily embraced Jessica, especially my younger brother's six year old son. Halden just adores Jess; after their very first visit back in December Halden wouldn't let anyone sit in the chair that Jess sat in (apparently the seat was hallowed by her) and no one could touch the jelly beans that she put on the Ginger bread house they made together. How he remembered which ones she touched is beyond me...

But anyhow, back to my writer's block. I still don't know what to write about; I could write about Jess's involvement at church. That's another place where she gets a lot of attention. The girl that we brought to Calvary for the first time back in November, who asked if we could leave after 20 minutes because it was overwhelming for her, now does some overwhelming herself. I'm referring to the group of boys that she hangs around, chases around, pushes around... you get the picture. Jess is very rough and tumble with these boys, and I've had to prompt her to be gentle more than once. After all, you never know if one of them will become her husband when they all grow up... But I'm getting ahead of myself by about 40 years here. The other day I mentioned something to the effect that she wouldn't be getting married anytime soon, and mentioned a similar time table. "What?!" she says to her Daddy, "You won't let me get married til I'm 50?" The logic was completely lost on her. The way I see it I'll be retired and won't have the money to spring for a wedding anyways. And besides, I'm learning that a father is, by nature, very protective of his daughter. Any boy who will have the guts to try and get past me first will have his work cut out for him. It's only natural that I'll be in my 80s when she gets married; I just won't have it in me anymore to scare off any potential suitors.

But anyhow, back to my writer's block. I just don't know what I should post. Even if I did I just don't have the time. If I'm not busy being a Dad I'm busy with church stuff. I did my first sermon two weeks ago and I have another one coming up this Sunday, but not at Calvary. No, I'm actually speaking at my parent's church of all places - Ansgar Danish Lutheran Church. I know, I know, you're wondering how on earth did that happen. Honestly I'm asking that myself. The last place that I ever thought I would be delivering a sermon was the church of my childhood. It feels surreal to say the least. And yet I have a message all prepared for Palm Sunday. I've been getting to know my parent's new pastor, Carl-Gustav Christensen (or Gus as he likes to call himself). He's a bit different than the other Danish pastors the church has had over the years (I should explain that the Danish church is the State church, and that they send pastors overseas to congregations, like my parent's church in Edmonton, to serve the Danish community). In some ways Gus strikes me as quite evangelical, which is not the norm in the Danish church. Although they call themselves the "Evangelical" Lutheran Church of Denmark they are, practically, quite the opposite.

Anyhow, Gus and I had been "talking shop" and discussing the differences between church in North America verses Europe, why I left the Danish Church when I was younger, etc. when at the end of our conversation he surprised (and shocked) me when he requested I do a sermon at Ansgar. Whether it was for the sake of fostering mutual understanding, an attempt to entice me to return to my roots or inject some fresh blood into a congregation that's in its sunset years I don't know. But it's an opportunity I recognize that's rare, so I agreed to the request. Jess asked me if I have to wear the black robe and big white collar that Gus wore when we took her to my parent's church for their Christmas service (the answer thankfully is no!). But I do get to pick out the hymns and even lead in some of the liturgy. The only thing I am not permitted to do is distribute the elements for communion and give the benediction. It's funny how some of the Catholic traditions have survived in Protestant churches, especially in the one that started the whole reformation in the first place. Oh well. At least I don't have to wear the big white collar.

But again, back to my writer's block. I just don't know what to blog about... Any suggestions?

The Reader's Digest version

2010-03-09T12:33:00.008-07:00

Wow, I've been so bogged down with stuff that I haven't really had time to blog; aside from being a newly minted dad I've had to (secretly) plan for Angel's 40th birthday party - thanks again to everyone who showed up - and prepare my first sermon in almost two years. My sermon last Sunday went well; no rotten tomatoes thrown at me and everyone stayed awake. Got some good feedback, so I'm glad that all my hard work paid off and touched some people's lives. But now that things have slowed a bit I have time for a post; problem is I wasn't sure what I was going to write about... til someone I've reconnected with recently wanted the lowdown on how our adoption went. So Christine, this is for you and everyone else who wants the Reader's Digest version of how Angel & I became parents. I hope you and everyone else will enjoy it.

For the past few years Angel & I had been talking about revisiting the adoption thing, as we had gone down that road 10 years before but it wasn't a good experience for us. We finally put in an application in October 2008; little did we know how our lives were going to change in the span of 12 months! So much had changed since we last applied to adopt; while we felt like we were left to fend for ourselves 10 years earlier, this time we had support every step along the way. There was always someone along the journey, a worker who was there for us to answer our questions or just to see how we were doing. All the paperwork was taken care of for us, with the exception of getting our references done. In January 2009 we enrolled in the Adoption Orientation Training, which was probably the most grueling part of the process. Eight classes in four weeks, and every time class was over a black cloud just hung over my head. So much information, and so much of it was disturbing, about the needs and issues of children in foster care. The feeling I had was, "What am I getting myself into?" For Angel it wasn't so bad but still it put a lot of pressure on us. Fortunately the very last class ended on a more hopeful note, which helped ease some of our anxiety.

In March we had our home assessment done, where a worker comes and checks out your living space and, more importantly, assesses what kind of a person you are. There were several meetings with lots of grueling questions, but in the end our worker felt that we were suitable candidates and recommended us to be approved as adoptive parents. It wasn't until May however that we got a letter saying we had been officially approved (effective the month before). Waiting for any news about being approved was tough but we were ecstatic that it finally came through. Getting an offer of furniture the very next day, without mentioning any of our needs, told us that God's blessing was on the process. From then on we were assigned a placement worker; her name is Sharon and she is such a delightful lady to work with. She came to our place and we fine tuned our profile (every adoptive parent fills out a profile of what needs they feel they're able to meet in an adoptive child) and from there the matching process began. By now it was June; we had rearranged our home to make room for a child, and all we could do was wait. In the meantime we enjoyed our summer holidays and I worked on finishing my studies with Prairie Bible College. By August we were, in our minds, settling in for a long wait as we knew the matching process could take years. Little did we know our lives would be turned upside down in a month...

September 2009. Sharon comes to our home with a file containing some basic information on a 10 year old girl who, in her words, feels like a good match. When Sharon came to us that night we felt in our hearts that this was the one - this little girl whose name was Jessica. It wasn't rational to think it was, with only minimal information, but we felt it was a "God thing." With the possibility, if all things went well, of a placement happening by Christmas, the pressure was on to make a decision and tie up the loose ends of our lives (like school and kitchen renos). But before we could seriously consider moving forward with this specific child we had to be approved by a committee of case workers. On the evening of September 25, 2009, Sharon came to our home to deliver the news - we got the green light to move forward with Jessica. The committee approved us unanimously (a rare occurrence we were told) and we were selected over 8 other families. From here we went on to meet Dale, Jess' placement worker, along with other professionals who worked with Jessica. Only after this were we allowed to make a formal decision. It was a no-brainer, and everyone knew what our answer was going to be all along. The more we learned about Jessica, the more we wanted to be her Mom & Dad. On Monday, November 2, 2009 we informed Sharon that we wanted to adopt Jessica.

November 5, 2009. We meet Jessica for the first time. She looks nothing like her photo, which we weren't allowed to see until we "locked in our final answer" - she's even more beautiful that the picture we have of her. The meeting was the start of a month long pre-placement process, which we called the "dating" phase. It was tough. Jess had a lot of mixed feelings about us and about being adopted, and it took time to get through her armor. This was healthy in a way, because if she took to us right away then she would have taken to anyone. But towards the end of November everyone involved was looking forward to move-in day. On Sunday, December 6, 2009, Jess came to stay with us forever. It was the end of an emotional process and the beginning of a new, challenging yet wonder life as a family. It was also the fulfillment of a prophetic word we received in the first year of our marriage, that we would become parents at Christmastime. And over the next three months we have been settling into our new life as a family. There's been a few bumps on the road but so much more blessing. And as I'm sharing an even more condensed version of this story with the people who came to Jess' adoption party last Saturday I see her mouth these words; words which tell you how excited she was to get on with the evening, and how she's got her old man pegged:

"Hurry up, Dad!"

Give

2010-01-18T13:47:00.005-07:00

We've all seen it in the news lately about the devastation in Haiti, and though I don't usually write social commentaries I felt compelled to speak out about people's response to this disaster, and to the plight of the poor in general. Now before I begin I want to be careful about not throwing stones in glass houses here; I don't want to rant about how people aren't doing enough to help those in need. In fact the question of how much help is enough is a relative one. I recognize that there are a lot of caring people in the world who want to make a difference. I admire those who dedicate their lives to alleviating the suffering of others in the world, both in big and small ways. You don't have to be a Mother Theresa in order to make a difference, and that most people show their care for others in the little things they do. If you are one of those people, I salute you.

I imagine that I am about to preach to the converted here, that most people who bother to read what I say already fit into the above category. What I want to do here is raise the level of compassion in people, starting in myself. But mostly I want to challenge the indifference that's out there. And there may be more than we realize. Recently I read an online poll which asked people how they were contributing to the Haitian relief effort. The poll gave various options (online, telephone, etc.) but also allowed for an "I'm not giving" response. Guess what the survey revealed: 59% of respondents said they weren't planning on giving. Now I realize that this wasn't a scientific poll, but rather a reflection of everyone who responded. It also contrasts a similar online poll which asked a simple yes or no to whether the respondent planned to give to Haiti (it was an even 50-50 split). But still, I found it shocking that 50-59% of respondents would even admit that they weren't lifting a finger to help the poorest nation in the western hemisphere in its greatest hour of need.

Consider this fact: we who live in the developed world account for 20% of the world's population. We who are the 20% control 80% of the wealth in the world. This is a fact I have (sadly) been able to verify. What I haven't been able to verify (so far) is this statement, that 80% of the charitable giving raised in the developed world stays in the developed world. In other words we, in the developed world, may very well be throwing table scraps to the poor. As I said I haven't been able to verify that statement but I'm waiting to hear back from a research institute who can hopefully answer my query on the matter. But I suspect there's a lot of truth to it, nonetheless. How often have we heard it said, "Charity begins at home"? Perhaps this is a perversion of another phrase, "Think globally, act locally."

Again, I'm not saying we should all go out and try and save the world, sell your house, walk around in rags and run soup kitchens. All I'm saying here is that we should all give. And if we all give we don't need to give a lot. If people choose one or two worthy causes and support them on a monthly basis it would make a world of difference. For years now Angel & I have supported Hope International, a development agency that helps people in developing nations help themselves. We also support Kiva, a microfinacing organization that lends money to entrepreneurs in developing nations. I'm not sharing this to get a pat on the back, but to make a point: if people like us who don't have a lot (in comparison to most people in our society) can share what we have with the poorest of the poor, then most people can too.

I don't care who you give to, so long as you give - something, anything. It just might make a difference to someone out there, especially when you live amongst the rubble of what was once your neighborhood. Or country for that matter.

Peace beyond understanding

2010-01-10T20:16:00.010-07:00

It's a quiet moment here in the Nicolajsen residence, and I'm glad to take advantage of it to post some of my recent thoughts. It's been a full 10 days into the New Year and life continues to be interesting for us. Angel just got home today from the hospital after having surgery (thanks again to everyone for your calls, e-mails, prayers and meals), and so I'm taking a week off to be Mr. Mom as well as tend to Angel's needs. Jess is back to school and had her first sleep-over since we got her; she spent the night at my cousin's place as his 11 year old had her birthday, and specifically asked if Jess could come. This was really encouraging to see as Jess and her new cousins just met at the New Year's Day gathering my parents put on. Considering that Jess is supposed to have anxiety issues this is remarkable, as was the way she ran around on New Year's Eve chasing boys (and boys chasing her) at our pastor's New Year's gathering at his place. So it seems that Jessica's settling into her new life quite nicely. She's comfortable enough at least to start testing us to see if we really mean it when we say no, and if we still love her when she crosses the line. In spite of the new stresses that instant parenthood brought us we wouldn't trade it (or Jess for that matter) for the world.

But stresses and pressures there are, and it has added to the usual reflection I do at the beginning of every year. I always take time to take stock of the previous year and look ahead to what the new year may bring. Of course I need to look to God for direction in this process, and I already have a sense of what he wants to impart to me this year. The first thing that I sense is God renewing in me a desire to get into His Word - the Bible. After years of academic study I now have more time to read whatever I want, and I just feel the need to get back to basic scripture. I'm not saying that my studies was a waste of time, but rather I need to build on what I already learned. And since I have no more directed studies that just leaves me with the Bible. This is fitting since I'm gearing up to get back into preaching at Calvary again. I've already received a schedule and some notes from previous meetings, and I've been putting some thought and prayer into what I should speak on when the time comes.

The second thing I sense from God is His peace in the middle of the pressures of our new life as parents. I know, you parents out there are nodding your head in agreement and maybe wondering what the big deal is. Parenthood and pressure go hand in hand. Honestly I don't have a frame of reference to compare our pressure with others' as our situation is different. I suspect that going from 18 years of couplehood to being parents of a 10 year old overnight may put us in a special category. In a lot of ways we are still establishing our relationship with Jessica, and that hasn't been easy. But I suspect we go through much the same as any other parents do, like dealing with behavioral and financial issues. The financial part is especially a big challenge for us. We do get support payments from the province for Jess, and we're waiting for the federal child tax credit to kick in; but with my work wage frozen this year and Angel being on employment insurance for parental leave we're actually making several hundred dollars less per month than before. With expenses up and revenue down I really need to start thinking about another job.

The pressure is there, as I don't relish the thought of leaving a job I thoroughly enjoy and venture into the unknown of something that pays better but I may hate doing. I may not be able to find anything to begin with, considering the economic situation these days. But somehow I know things will be ok. Last week in our church home-group we were studying Philippians 4:4-9, which is about being joyful, thankful and prayerful in all circumstances. When we do this and keep our minds focused on what is good, and if we put into practice a life of faith, we will have a peace that's beyond understanding. And as we shared our needs with the group and brought them before God in prayer we knew that we were going to be ok. It's a strange mixture, feeling both peace and pressure at the same time. The pressure comes from making the choice to become parents, and it's a choice we don't regret. Adopting Jess was good for both her and for us, and because it is good we know that God, who is good, will take care of us.

A Christmas and a year to remember

2009-12-27T17:32:00.006-07:00

As the year winds down I think of how my life has been turned on its side over the last 12 months. So much has changed for me in so many ways. I remember how hard Christmas was for me last year, and how that struggle spilled over into the new year. I felt so much disappointment with myself, with life and with God. I questioned how involved God was with my life, and wondered what I was getting myself into as we started down the adoption road. I was grieving the loss of a lot of things; by getting serious about starting a family via adoption I was mentally writing off any chance of fathering children with Angel. I was also focusing on just getting my degree finished just for the sake of finishing it, without any hope of putting that education to any use whatsoever. Those were the two main losses I was dealing with, plus a few others, which all added up to this angst I felt - that my life was going nowhere.

But as the year progressed things started to change for me, and I think I can pinpoint the things that helped me to pull through my pessimism. One of them was being put in a position where I had to take a good hard look at what I believe and why I believe. Whether it was writing about atheists and anti-church ranters, doing my anthropology and philosophy courses or just simply facing my own personal demons, I was living the examined life (which Socrates said was the only life worth living). Going through the adoption screening process was also a part of that examination, as Angel & I were asked so many questions about why we want to be parents and our beliefs about parenting. It was a journey of self discovery for the both of us - one which I think has laid a foundation for our becoming the parents that we are now.

The second thing that helped me move past my disappointment was my relationships with my friends and family. Receiving the love and care of so many people has been such a tremendous blessing to me, whether it was hearing from long lost friends, being celebrated for accomplishments made or simply learning to better appreciate those closest to me (like Angel) have made such a difference to me. Life is all about relationship, and I think that the measure of a person's real treasure is in the strength and quality of one's connection with their fellow man. I know how self-absorbed I am, and how undeserving I am of the kindness shown to me. I say that not because I think I'm worthless but rather in knowing that I've given less to others than I have been given. I am so blessed to have good people in my life who have been there for me, and if you are reading this chances are you are one of them. For that I am so grateful, and I thank you from the bottom of my heart.

Another thing that's helped me this year has been the milestones I've passed and the accomplishments that have been achieved. The first one was going to convocation at Prairie, and finally finishing my coursework last month. The feeling of achievement both at my grad ceremony, sending off my final assignment and receiving a passing grade for my last course, was tremendous. I have to admit that I have some mixed feelings about finishing my degree. On the one hand what I have from Prairie is less than I set out to accomplish, having started out as a bachelor of arts student and graduated with an associate degree. I feel like an underachiever on the one hand, but on the other hand I earned a degree entirely by correspondence (a feat that seems to leave people in awe of). The second accomplishment, one that I can only take so much credit for, is being approved to become an adoptive parent. It was really a team effort that Angel was just as much a part of, and even so our support network of friends and family factored into our approval and selection to become Jess' parents.

Which of course brings me to Jessica. She, more than anything else, has brought such a positive change in my life. Not that it was an easy change mind you; there was the friction between me and Angel, the fear of the unknown, feelings of excitement, depression and our struggle to break through Jess' armor. If anyone told us at this time last year that we would be parents in 12 months I would not have believed them. If anyone told us that God would make us parents at Christmastime, just as we felt God telling us He would so many years before, I wouldn't have believed them. But it did happen, and it helped to make for a memorable Christmas to be sure. This Christmas was extra special for a few other reasons, as one of my nieces got engaged (on Christmas Eve no less) and that we also got a call on Christmas Eve from a certain someone who went to a certain somewhere in the world that I've been asked not to name specifically. But you know who you are; we love and miss you and can't wait til you return. Your absence was keenly felt and we know next Christmas will be even more special when you're home with us.

I guess I can sum up the biggest challenge I faced in 2009 in one word - unbelief - and how that unbelief was met can also be summed up in one word - relationship. If it wasn't for God relating to me through people I'd shudder to think of where I'd be. It's given me reason to look forward to good things in 2010. Merry Christmas and a Happy New Year to all my readers. God bless.

Settling in

2009-12-13T13:18:00.004-07:00

It's been one week since Jess moved in with us, and it already feels like she's been with us forever. For me the novelty of fatherhood's starting to wear off, as it's becoming familiar having a 10 year old in the house. I think Jess is feeling more comfortable in her new surroundings, as she's freely showing affection towards me & Angel. Jess is also starting to push a little; I don't mean to say she's misbehaving but she is trying to push some buttons. Her teasing gets a little excessive sometimes, and she tries to test some boundaries with her routines. Of course we're flexible, as we believe in being authoritative parents (and not authoritarian), but she knows in the end that Mom & Dad are the boss. An image that comes to mind is one of those nature documentaries, where the mother lion has her cub crawling all over her, pulling on her ear, while she has that patient, almost complacent look on her face! Patience is definitely needed I find, but Jess also brings so much joy.

It's been a big week for our little girl, as Jess has not only moved in with us but has also started meeting the family. On Monday Dale & Sharon came over for supper and to bring the documents for us to sign; we have to wait 6-12 months for the adoption to become legal, but for now we've been delegated guardianship powers. After the paperwork was taken care of my parents came over to meet their new granddaughter for the first time. My Mom cried, my Dad beamed and my daughter had this uncertain expression on her face that said, "What's the big deal?" and "Why is this lady (my Mom) hugging me so much?" It was a brief visit, as we didn't want to overwhelm Jess; we kept to the same format the next evening when my in-laws and nephew came for their visit. Jess was quite anxious for them to arrive; she stood on a chair and looked impatiently out the window for them to arrive, but once they did Jess stuck close to me. But the present they brought (a Michael Jackson CD) and a game of MarioKart with her new cousin was just what the doctor ordered to break the ice.

Friday was a dive into the deep end with a supper visit with my brother Niels & his wife Janice and their kids. I say deep end because it was a longer visit, but we figured it would be ok since Jess would be interacting with children younger than her. The visit went over well; my nephew Halden had been anxious to meet his new cousin, and the two of them hit it off instantly. Hannah took a liking to Jess as well, and giggled like she does whenever her grandparents come to visit. Jess played with and read to her new cousins, and helped build a gingerbread house after supper. As successful as that visit went we were mindful of not overloading Jess with too much stuff. The next day Jess met another new cousin and in the evening we celebrated our family's December birthdays. The original plan was to arrive for just presents and cake. Jess however wanted to be there for the whole thing (mainly so she could play with Halden), and in spite of being in a full, noisy house full of new relatives (most who had just met the new addition for the 1st time) it went well.

Maybe a little too well. I have to admit that I'm starting to feel a bit overwhelmed, and part of it has to do with how quickly Jess is settling in. From our experience during the pre-placement process we're expecting some regression. As well we know this is the honeymoon phase, and once the excitement wears off we expect some challenges ahead. But so far she's acting like she hasn't experienced a major change in her life. For example Jess did really well in church today, and dashed off to Sunday school without asking for one of us to go with her. As well we sat down with her today to tell her that we met with her birth mom (the meeting was on Friday), and to give her some things that her birth mom wanted to pass on. When asked Jess told us she missed her birth-mom a little, and then focus her attention on other things and change the conversation. This was our first clue that she's starting to process stuff, and we know that as time goes by things will start to surface. But for now we'll just enjoy life together as a newly minted family, and deal with the ugly stuff when it comes.

Miracle

2009-12-06T16:01:00.010-07:00

Do you believe in miracles? Do you believe that God speaks to us? I guess how you answer that question depends on what you believe about God in the first place. You may not believe He exists; you might believe He does, but you don't know if He speaks or is even involved in our lives. I believed all these things before today, and I believe them now more than ever. Today our daughter came home, and came home to stay. This was not an accident that happened, but rather the plan of a good, loving, powerful God. Let me explain. Seventeen years ago we received what we then believed to be a prophetic word from God regarding the specific timing of our becoming parents. Back then we were young newlyweds with the whole world ahead of us. We had dreams of how our lives would unfold, and we expected that life would be exactly as we pictured it. But as time went by we experienced heartaches and disappointment, and one of those disappointments was finding out we couldn't have kids. Well, it wasn't total disappointment, because we heard from God that we would have kids. Or did we?

Over the years we clung to the hope that we would become pregnant, that God would supernaturally heal our infertility. And every year that came and went was a reminder that we had unfulfilled hopes, had missed the boat or had simply heard wrong. After all, when it comes to hearing from God the Bible says we only get parts of the picture, and those parts aren't always clear (1 Corinthians 13:8-12). This gave us some sort of comfort, believing that maybe we just heard wrong. But that opens up another can of worms, because if you heard wrong about one thing how then can you know that you did hear God speak to you about other things? This touches on deeper issues: Is God good? Does God care about our suffering? Can He do anything about it in the first place? These are questions I have had to wrestle with in my experience; I didn't want to just simply read about God's involvement in the Bible, or hear about it from other people - I wanted to encounter it for myself. And while I can say that I have experienced God's goodness in so many ways I felt a little short changed in some departments. That is, until today.

You see, the word we got from God was that we would become parents at Christmastime. But the hope of that word actually coming to pass died a slow death, little by little, with each passing December. By the time we decided to adopt we wrote off all hope of pregnancy, and any time table that we expected along with it. We certainly didn't expect a placement to happen during the holiday season, as it's the policy of Alberta Children's Services to not place kids during birthdays and Christmases. But it was recommended that Jess be placed with an adoptive family ASAP, and her placement with us was scheduled for December 6. It wasn't until a few weeks after we first met Jess that I made the connection. We were driving along one day and it hit me all of a sudden. "Angel," I said, "Do you remember when we heard from God that we were going to be parents at Christmas?" It was so long ago (and so painful) that Angel hardly remembered. Still, I dared not believe it. After all, it was a tentative date which depended on how well Jess took to us. If it came down to it Jess would have been kept in foster care til January. I just couldn't bring myself to embrace the idea that God came through here, as I didn't want to risk more heartache and disappointment. And yet this morning we picked her and her things up, and as I write this she's making Christmas ornaments with Angel at our dining table...

The odds we were given of a pregnancy happening were 1 in 100. What are the odds of Jessica being placed with us, today of all days? 1 in 1000? We were selected, unanimously by a committee of social workers, out of a group of eleven families who were potential matches for Jessica; a unanimous decision, we are told, is uncommon. Our prayer that we would only have to wait months for a match and not years (which was a real possibility) was answered in September. As well, Sharon (our placement worker) told us that there is currently a surplus of approved parents waiting to adopt in Alberta; in her words, it's a tight adoption market these days. And here's the real kicker: before we were matched with Jessica we had a name we used to refer to whatever child we were going to adopt. We decided we needed one as it was easier to have a generic name rather than referring to a hypothetical adoptee as "the child." And as we thought about it we felt that God had given us a specific name; a name, I have to admit, I felt a bit awkward using. And what was that name?

Miracle.

Need I say more?

One week to go

2009-11-29T15:56:00.003-07:00

It's hard to believe, but we are counting down the last seven days until we become full time parents. I think back to the beginning of this month, and how the scared little girl we first met has come out of her shell. It was quite evident this weekend how far Jess has come, but I'm getting ahead of myself. Last Saturday Jess came for an all-day visit here. I was working a 12 hour shift that day, so it was a mother-daughter bonding experience for Angel & Jess. They baked cookies, did some window shopping, watched a movie and Jess played on the Wii by herself. Angel was a little apprehensive about spending a whole day with just Jessica, but overall things went well. On Sunday we both arrived at the foster-home to pick up Jess for church, and we had things planned a bit better than last week. We timed it so that we arrived 1/2 hour late, which by then first music set was done and announcements were being made before Sunday school dismissal.

Jess asked if I could come down with her, and I got to see first hand how well she took to open session and her class. She was interactive and looked comfortable, but we didn't push our luck so as soon as Sunday school was done we were right out the door. "Don't look so happy," someone said with a knowing grin on his face as we were on our way. Thankfully people are still understanding of Jess' situation and are mindful to give us our space. However one lady said to us as we were outside, "So when do you get to show her off to the whole church?" While we appreciated the excitement and anticipation behind the question we said it would still be a while yet before we would start making introductions. Jess said afterward that she felt a lot better than she did the prior Sunday, but for now we'll continue to come late until she's comfortable with Calvary. After lunch we went swimming, which was another big hit for our little miss, and then back to the foster-home after supper.

This past week was the start of Jess' home-visits, where we would pick her up after school, take her to our place for supper, homework and some fun stuff before going back for the night. It was a real drag to have to take her back to Brigitte's, but the visits were building up towards the first sleep-over on Friday. During the week we saw some encouraging signs that Jess was finally starting to warm to us. On Wednesday we went to her parent-teacher-student interviews, where Jess excitedly introduced us to her friends as her new adoptive parents. But it was in the car on the way back to the foster-home where she started to share some of her fond memories of her birth mom, of songs she would sing and stories she would read. As we listened to Jess the significance of the moment was not lost on us: she trusted us enough to be open with us, even just a little. The sharing continued on Thursday, where she talked a little about her step-dad as well as what she thought it takes to be a good parent. Out of that conversation came some not-so plesant memories from her, and again it was not lost on us that she was being vulnerable.

Finally, the big day arrived - the Friday night sleep-over. I picked her up from school and then we went to get Angel from work. While we waited Jess shared with me some of her memories from past foster-homes, and some more stuff about her step-dad. After Angel finished work it was back to our place for some home-made pizza and a movie night. "Grease" was the movie Jess chose (a film I would normally not expose a 10 year old to), but during the movie she shared with us how this was a family favorite she would watch with her birth-mom and step-dad, and I realized she was making a connection with her past as she was adjusting to life with us. Thankfully she found the kissing and other stuff gross...

The next day we woke up and had breakfast as a family, and then we all put up the Christmas tree. As Angel & Jess decorated I snapped a few pictures; too bad I didn't think of that earlier as Jessica bounced around and played air-guitar to Relient K's version of the Twelve Days of Christmas! Afterward we hit a few stores for some Christmas shopping, bought Jess a new winter coat & boots and then we went back home again. That afternoon we sat down together and we came up with a list of house rules and consequences we all agreed on, as well as writing out what it takes to be a good parent. By involving Jess in this process we wanted to give her a sense of empowerment while at the same time establishing our roles and responsibilities as her new mom & dad. Then after homework, supper, a family devotional time and playing some Wii it was time to go back to the foster-home. We didn't want to take her back and she didn't want to go, but knowing that we have one week to go before move-in gives us all something to look forward to.

Oh, and one more sign that she's warming to us - when we said goodbye we didn't even have to ask for a hug. She just lifted her arms and walked right to us :)

Half way to placement

2009-11-19T21:21:00.004-07:00

We're about half way now through the "dating" or pre-placement process, and in two weeks we have managed to carve out some semblance of a relationship with our beautiful little girl. However, it hasn't been without some setbacks. On Monday we phoned Jess but she refused to take our call. We found out that the wonderful weekend we had with her sent her on an emotional and behavioral tailspin. This was still evident to us when we picked her up on Tuesday for an outing. Jess was sullen and quiet; from what we did get out of her we found that she doesn't trust us, she's overwhelmed and doesn't know if we're "the real deal." The plan was to go to the library so Jess could do her homework, go out for supper and then take her back. But once we got to the library Jess refused to do her homework and wanted to return to the foster home. We took the "authoritative" approach to parenting and she did part of her homework and then headed back to the car.

But we weren't quite ready yet to head back. Recognizing this was an opportunity to speak into her life, we shared some of our thoughts with her. "We know this is hard for you; you don't trust us and that's ok because we have to earn it. We know you've been acting out, but we want you to know that it doesn't change the fact that we want you to be our daughter. We choose to be your parents. You probably don't feel the same way, but we want you to know that we love you very much. We loved before we even met you and nothing will change that." Jess didn't say a word, but she did give a little nod, and with that we drove back to the foster-home. But Jess still had homework, and we weren't about to let her off the hook. So, after a bite to eat she sat at the table and finished the rest of her math questions. In spite of being the big bad parents here we knew there was a part of her that was still drawn to us. Jess could have stayed in her room after she finished, but instead she came to the top of the stairs when she heard we were leaving. "Remember," we said, "nothing that happened here tonight changes the way we feel about you." And again, we got a little nod from her.

Wednesday afternoon: we arrive at Jess' school to meet her teacher, introduce ourselves to the school administration, and arrange to start picking up Jess after school. Our visit went much better that day; we hit the playground while there was still light out, grabbed supper at Subway and then off to the library for round two of homework. This time she got her work done before we took her back. Perhaps there was some emotional momentum happening here, knowing that Thursday was a really big day: Jess would get to see her new home for the very first time.

This morning, after a consultation with one of Jess' doctors it was off to our place. Both parents and child felt both nervous and excited at the same time! The first thing Jess wants to see was her room, and the big smile on her face just said it all. As she explored the rest of our home the phrase, "Wow, you have a (whatever)!" was used by her more than once. Clearly she was thrilled to see what will, for her, be the last home she will ever have to move into. It was such a good feeling doing the family thing this afternoon: Dad made his little girl a grilled cheese sandwich for lunch; she did some homework and the two of us played on the Wii while Mom made supper. After our first home cooked meal (pasta & meat balls) together as a family it was off to her final swim lesson and back to the foster home. Angel is such a great tutor; as I watched my beautiful wife and daughter sit together doing math questions I thought about how far we've come in two weeks.

We know we have a long way to go yet, but it still feels good to see how Jess smiles at us.

It ended with a hug

2009-11-16T13:12:00.004-07:00

Looking back at the past week I'm amazed at the progress we've made with Jessica. It's still baby steps but those steps are getting bigger and more frequent. Our visit last Tuesday went well; Jess was a little guarded but the interaction was good, thanks again to the boys. We talked about our weekend plans and even did a little arm wrestling. Jess went and got some paper & pencil crayons, and sat on the kitchen floor with one of her foster-sisters. While they stenciled Angel & I sat down on the floor too, not far from where Jess sat, and played cards. We chatted back & forth, doing our own thing, before Jess decided to go out and play. We were the ones who prompted her to dress warmly, and out the door she went. After about 15 minutes of chatting with Brigitte & Dale we suddenly remembered that Jess had homework! So I went out & called Jess in, and once again she's on the kitchen floor doing math questions. Angel helped her with homework before it was time for her bedtime routine. Before we left we told her we would call the next day, see her on Thursday and call on Friday. She asks us, "You're not coming over Friday?"

It's Thursday afternoon, and Jess is playing street hockey with the boys. She greets us enthusiastically and whacks me with her long scarf. However things are still on her terms, as she won't let me return the favor. We all have a quick supper of soup & grilled cheese sandwiches before heading out the door for Jess' swim lesson. Jess rides with us as we follow Brigitte and Dale in her car. The atmosphere is a little tense, as this is the first time Jess has ever been alone with us. We talk about our Saturday plans for West Edmonton Mall to pass the time and calm the nerves, but as soon as we arrive Jess bolts from the car and makes a bee line for Brigitte. Angel & I exchange a look, and then head inside. We make our way onto the pool deck, find a seat, and shortly afterwards Jess comes out of the change room all wet from her shower. This is good for her and bad for me, as she decides to spray me with her wet hands... She jumps in the water with her class mates and looks at us occasionally. We smile at her and she smiles back. "Wanna see me do back-flips?" And with that she's underwater, showing off her skills to us. The car ride back is much more relaxed, and there's no running for the door when we arrive back at the foster-home. As we all sat at the kitchen table Angel & I feel like some more of those baby steps were taken. Maybe she's starting to like us...

Saturday morning - the day of the big outing. We wonder what space Jess will be in, as she didn't want to come to the phone when we called the night before. When we arrive we find Jess a little apprehensive, as she had to give Brigitte more than one good-bye hug. But we come prepared with an ice-breaker; knowing she likes Grease and Michael Jackson, we brought a CD of each to play. "Thriller" was just what the doctor ordered here, and we arrive at WEM all ready for adventure. Our first stop was the candy store, where Angel spent a bit more money on Jess than she realized; the cost of jelly-beans, it turns out, adds up really fast... Next stop was Galaxyland, where we all did the "Swing of the Century" ride. Jess went on the bumper cars and then the two of us went on the roller coaster; thankfully we did this before and not after lunch. We went back into Galaxyland afterwards to play some games; unfortunately I was having so much fun I didn't realize that I had misplaced my digital camera, with photos of our outing on it. I made the best of it, as I didn't care about the camera so much as the pictures on them. Then, after checking out the "Twilight" stars who came to the mall, some window shopping, a show at the Sea Lions Rock and a tour of the Sea Caverns it was time for supper and then back home. Jess was disappointed that it was time to go! We saw the progress made through the day, where Jess felt comfortable bugging both of us and telling us about her likes. It was one of the happiest days of my life.

Yesterday morning we arrive to pick up Jess for church. Today it's a quick goodbye hug for Brigitte and we're out the door. We hit Tim Horton's for donuts first, as we're earlier than we thought, then we arrive just before the service starts. Last Sunday we announced that we would bring Jess with us to church, and asked everyone to play it cool so as not to overwhelm her. In spite of people giving us our space the experience is still a bit much for her, and after 1/2 hour she asks us if we can leave. Once we do Jess becomes more lively, which tells us she was anxious since we first picked her up. We head to South Edmonton Common and browsed in Wal Mart, where "Dad" became Jess' hero. Just what did I do? Nothing much, I just happened to spy the last set of Jonas Brothers bed sheets. Oh, did I mention Jess is nuts about the Jonas Brothers? After purchase of said sheets we hit Chucky Cheese's for lunch and more games. Dale joins us there and is encouraged by the progress we've made. After browsing Michael's crafts and a trip to IKEA to buy some things for Jess's room we have supper and a quick browse through Future Shop before heading back. We leave feeling exhausted from the weekend, but also feeling good about how far we've come. We learned a lot about Jess (like not to give her too much sugar!) and even though our conversations were light for the most part, we did talk a little about how she felt about things like her church experience that morning. But the icing on the cake was when we asked to give her a goodbye hug, and she said yes.

It was a nice hug too :)

Baby steps

2009-11-07T22:06:00.000-07:00

It's a warm Thursday afternoon as we walk up to the door of a large home. Ringing the bell sets off a chorus of dog barks, and we are let in by the foster-mom. Dale is in the entry way to greet us too, but our eyes are caught by a small girl standing at the top of the stairs. She smiles and waves at us, and I look hard at her. She looks quite different than her picture, but it was apparent that this little miss was none other than Jessica. Her smile and wave put us at ease, and we chat a little before presenting her with a couple of small gifts. She is just beautiful. "How are you feeling about all this?" I asked. "A little weird" was her reply. "Me too" I said, and with that Jessica went off to play with nerf-guns with her foster-brothers. The adults are sitting in the dining room having coffee, and eventually I hit on an idea. "Hey, you guys got an extra gun?" And before I know it I'm in a wild firefight with the kids. It was a good ice-breaker, where Jess felt comfortable poking me with a toy gun and giving me some of her Halloween candy. But otherwise her response to us was guarded; no hugs (which is healthy at this point), we were never called mom/dad or even by name, and I was introduced by Jess to one of her foster-brothers as her new foster dad, then she corrects herself. At this point I realize that we are, in her mind, just the latest in a long line of parental figures that have come and gone.

Day two. Jess is sitting on the front lawn and greets us by name before shooting us with a nerf gun. We have a good chat and I showed her some pics of our cat sleeping on her bed, which she awed over. She quite likes the stuffed cat we gave her, but has yet to settle on a name for it. Once again she's off to play with her foster-siblings before supper. At the table Jess sits between me and Angel, and the interaction with the foster-boys makes things fun. At one point even Jess and I got into a little poking and ticking match. Up to now things seem to be unfolding well, but little do we realize that things will soon go south. After supper Jess goes downstairs to watch TV, and eventually Angel & I joined her. After a half an hour we notice that Jess is shutting down; she's curled up in the corner of the futon and now she doesn't like to be tickled. We were just about to get up & give Jess her space when Dale came to check on us. Seeing what's happening, she asks for a moment alone with Jess. Five minutes later Dale comes up and informs us that Jess is in panic mode. Adults are the enemy we are told, and we leave for home feeling like we took two steps forward and three backward.

Day three. Jess is all smiles when we arrive, and the scared little girl we left the night before is nowhere to be seen. We make some small talk and ask if she's feeling better than when we left her. She says she is, but that fearful look on her face last night is still burned in my memory. Today we got to supervise her Saturday chores & routine: teeth brushed, hair combed, bedroom and bathroom cleaned and homework done. As with the first two days she is bouncy and wired, and needs simple instructions to keep her focused. Angel & I take turns making sure she's on task, and while Jess cleans the bathroom she tells me what she learned about chemicals in school. Then, after everything's finished she retreats once again. While she's going through her Ipod in her room we grownups are chatting in the kitchen. Well, everyone except me. My stomach, which has been feeling sick all week, feels like it took a sucker-punch. Finally I ask Dale, "You've seen a lot of placements happen; how do you think this one will play out?" She wisely avoids answering the question, as she can't make any predictions. We're taking baby steps she says, and then asks how we're doing. One of Dale's roles is to encourage us, and she does a good job at it.

Lunch is served, and once again Jess sits between us. This time there's not much lively interaction, and she finishes her food quickly before dashing off to play again. But there were signs of her warming to us again. At one point in the afternoon Jess comes & sits on the couch beside Angel and stands beside me in place of her foster-brother, who wisely refused my invitation to get close so I could rough-house with him. Our visit ends with a trip out to the park where we all played a game of "Grounders", a version of tag played on the playground equipment, and whoever is it has to keep their eyes closed. It was a fun way to finish our day with Jess, and yet when we left there again was that look of fear on her face. But those baby steps Dale talked about were taken, as today Jess called us by name but referenced us to others as mom & dad . Like yesterday and the day before, we leave physically and emotionally exhausted. It's much harder to connect with this little one than we thought, but in spite of the difficulty we're determined to press on - at Jessica's pace.

Locking in our final answer

2009-11-03T10:41:00.004-07:00

Last night a little girl was told she was going to a forever family. This was a day that her new mom and dad, who she hasn't met yet, have waited for months to come. For her the news came with some fear and excitement, but fear mostly. It's a new and scary time in the life of this little girl, and her mom & dad have prayed for the peace of Christ to be with her. When she was told the news her new parents wrote a letter for her to read, and this is what it said:

Dear Jessica,

You don’t know us as we haven’t met before, so we’re writing this letter to introduce ourselves to you. Our names are Hendrick and Angel, and we would love to become your new Mom & Dad. We know that this is very sudden for you, even though we know that you’ve been waiting for what feels like forever for you to be adopted. Dale has told us a lot about you, and we feel like we know you even though we haven’t met. We know this may not sound fair since you don’t know anything about us. So let us tell you a bit about who we are. Both of us are 39 years old (which sounds ancient to a 10 year old!); we are Christians and we’ve been married for 18 years. Hendrick works with handicapped adults and Angel works in an office, but she plans to take time off so she can focus on being mom. Hendrick likes swimming and reading, and is about to graduate from a Bible college. Angel is pretty creative; she does photography, crafting, likes to cook and we both like to sing and go camping.

We have no children of our own and would love to give you a home to call your own. In this home there is a room all set up just for you and we have a cat named Spunky who loves to play and cuddle. There’s a pool close by and a park across the road, with a playground in summer and a big toboggan hill in winter. Lots of kids live in our neighborhood, some your age and some younger, to play with. But if you like to play indoors we have lots of stuff like a foosball table, a Wii and plenty of board games to have fun with. Our family is big but there’s always room for one more, with lots of new cousins, uncles, aunts and grandparents who would love to make you a part of their lives. We go to a church with lots of kids. How do you like the idea of going to Sunday school with them? The people in our church are very kind and the idea of you becoming a part of our family makes them feel very happy.

But how do you feel about becoming a part of our family? We know this is a big step for you, and that you probably have a lot of mixed feelings about it. Everything we’ve described may sound so wonderful and strange all at once. You may be excited and scared, happy and sad, all at the same time. But you know what? We feel the same way too! We would love to become your forever family, but we also know that it won’t be easy for you and it might not be easy for us either. We may not be the parents you expected or dreamed about. But we promise you that we will love you no matter what. The fridge will always be full, the bed will always be warm and safe and the hugs and kisses will always be there when you want them. We will do our best to listen to your feelings, give you a shoulder to cry on and help you to become the person you want to be. Most of all our hope and prayer is that you will know how much God loves you and how precious you are in His eyes

We look forward to meeting you finally, and believe us it’s been hard for us to wait. Over the next few weeks we’ll get to know each other better, and your foster-parents and your friend Dale will be there to help us all along the way. And as much as we would like to adopt you as our daughter, we hope you would like to adopt us as your mom and dad. See you soon.

Love,
Hendrick & Angel,
Your new Mom & Dad

We wished that we could have been a couple of flies on the wall to see the reaction for ourselves, but we had to settle for an e-mail from her worker. Here's clip from that e-mail:

Jessica (who prefers to be called "Jess") went through the album with curiosity and looked at each page closely reading who each individual was. She had a smile on her face when she read that she would be a part of choosing the color for her walls and decorating her new room. As was expected Jess has some mixed emotions regarding moving, she indicated that she was scared as she really likes it at her foster-parent's, but still wanted her own family.

The photo album mentioned is one that we were asked to put together for her. In it were pictures of us, our home and our families. This gives the adoptive child an idea of what her new life will be like. Speaking of pictures we have yet to receive any yet, and we're anxiously checking our e-mail for them. I'm sorry to say that once we get them we won't be posting them on my blog, for reasons of privacy. But what we're even more anxious about is meeting Jess on Thursday... for the very first time...

She's 10 years old and wants earings...

2009-10-28T16:12:00.004-06:00

Well, we're in the home stretch. Today we met with Jessica's foster-mom over lunch, along with our adoption workers, to talk about what home & school life is like. It was a good meeting with lots of questions and discussion. We talked about things like home routine, behaviors & consequences, friends, activities, how well she expresses her thoughts, feelings and wishes, etc. Speaking of wishes, Jessica has made an adoption wish list - things she would like to get and do when she's with her forever family. Check this out:

1. Ears pierced
2. Figure Skating
3. Camping
4. Siblings
5. Christianity! (Catholic preferred)
6. Swimming

With the exception of siblings there doesn't seem to be much of a problem here. However I have to confess that one thing stuck out for me, and that was the ears pierced. My first reaction was something like, forget it! Now I realize that I sound old fashioned here, as I am well aware that girls are getting their ears pierced at a younger (and younger) age. So when I went back to work this afternoon and mentioned my hang-up with the ear thing I got the razzing of my life! It was all in good fun, but I was keenly aware that my views were in the minority. Even Emery, who is our oldest driver at well over 70, said it's ok nowadays. The only person who agreed with me was a client who's non-verbal, and nods at everything you say. Oh well, I guess we'll cross that bridge when we get there.

The list also mentions her likes and dislikes. Under the "likes" column she put down crafts, sewing, baking, swimming, 'girly things' - hair do's, etc and pretty dresses. It sounds like we're getting a "girly-girl", but apparently there's a bit of a tom-boy in her too. Dale thought that Jessica would bond well with Jenelle and Rayleen, as they're both in their young adulthood but not too much older, so they can all do the girl-thing together. And Angel is into crafts & baking herself, so I think the two of them will have some fun times together. But there was one thing on her dislike list, and that was - wait for it - mustard! I thought to myself, "If that's the only dislike she's got then we're going to be fine!" Of course there are other issues besides mustard we'll have to contend with, but that's a pretty easy one to deal with.

So now all the meetings are done, and we have 72 hours before we are allowed to "lock in" our final answer. This is so that we have time to think things over and make a logical decision. Well last weekend we went to Jasper to take in the sights and think about things based on what we already knew. Coming up with a reason why we shouldn't adopt Jessica was like trying to come up with the answer to an exam question that for the life of you you can't find. And nothing came up in this meeting that changed that. We were picked out of a total of 11 families and were told that our strengths outweighed the other 10 combined. We have a strong support network and are willing to work with the supports Jessica already has in place. I could go on and on about all the rational reasons, but there's a heart one that honestly outweighs them all:

Simply put, we have fallen in love with a child we haven't even met yet. And, unless if something comes up that brings everything to a grinding halt, we will meet with her next week - for the very first time.

Turbulence

2009-10-16T09:31:00.004-06:00

Have you ever embarked on a journey that didn't have some bumps on the road? Well life, as we travel down the adoption road, has gotten very eventful - and that's a mild way of putting it. When you take a life altering event like adoption and throw in a bunch of other stuff that seems to happen all at once, life is no longer boring. And believe me, we could use a little boredom right now. But let me start with the latest adoption update: we had meetings yesterday with a couple of professionals who work with Jessica, which were quite productive. We gained some more insight into the life of this remarkable little girl and we learned a few strategies on how to help Jessica deal with her stuff. We also learned that her mom & step-dad have given up any legal right to access, with the exception of a couple of letters sent through the adoption registry. The adoption registry is like a post office where you send letters to the birth family, and they to you. The letters are vetted so that any identifying information (mainly one's whereabouts) are kept private. So basically this means that aside from birthday and Christmas cards there will be no contact with her birth family, which considering Jessica's history is best for her. But once she's 18 she can search them out if that's her choice.

Ok, so what else has been going on with us lately? Lots of stuff! The mayhem started over a month ago when we had to put one of our cats to sleep, which was just before we started the process of having Jessica placed with us. It's never easy for a pet owner to make that decision, but Spiffy was old and really sick and we didn't want him to suffer anymore. We will miss our old man kitty cat... Then of course there was the thing with my heart. Now since that time I've had another test, where I wore a heart monitor for 24 hours last week. The thought that I was developing a heart problem, just as we were about to start a family, could not have come at a worse time. It could have potentially derailed the whole process as Children's Services will not place anyone with a parent with a serious medical condition. But it's looking like everything's fine now, as I learned that my echo-cardiogram came back ok (and no, I'm not pregnant either). As well if I didn't hear anything this week about the heart monitor results then it means that no news is good news. However, as a precaution my family doctor says I can't have any caffeine anymore. That was a blow let me tell you! No more coffee? Coke? It's the end of the world as I know it. You may as well put a gun to my head & pull the trigger! Well ok, it's not that bad, but I'll keep that in mind as I cut down on my double-doubles as Tim Horton's.

Then a few weeks ago we received a letter from our condo board, stating that they want Angel's honorarium, which she was paid for service on last year's board, returned. We suspect this has more to do with the bad blood between the people on this year's board and the board Angel served on, as the by-laws they are using to justify this action are pretty vague. So for now we're getting some legal advice and, if we are in the wrong, will have to pay back the $325 Angel received 10 months ago. Add that to the car repair bill we recently paid, plus a big vet bill for our other cat, who had to go to the animal hospital last weekend because he had a blockage, and it amount to a sizable chunk of change. In spite of our financial situation we're still going to Jasper next weekend; we considered canceling our trip but in the end felt it was important to go as they recommend it as part of the adoption process. But wait, it gets better! Angel, who has been slated for surgery, got a call yesterday saying that she was supposed to come into the hospital for the procedure next week! Needless to say this was not acceptable, as it involves a 6 week recovery for her that we were expecting would happen while she was on parental leave. Thankfully they were able to reschedule it for some time after December, after Angel phoned the hospital back and explained our situation.

Another big event that takes place today is that we are saying goodbye to someone who is close to us, who is going away and won't be back until the spring. I'm not at liberty to say who he is or where he's going for reasons of safety and privacy. But suffice to say he will be missed, and we will be praying for him and looking forward to his return. So in a nutshell we are, as Angel like to put it, experiencing turbulence. As someone said when we told our story to our our mid-week home group, we don't know how to do anything quietly these days. But we know that we aren't alone as we face these challenges. We are so blessed by the people who support us; our family, our friends, our church, and even all you blog and facebook creepers out there who read this stuff. Even though we face a lot of different losses we also look forward to what we will gain. This morning as I was spending time in prayer and the Word I had a sense that God was restoring the wasted years, the "years that the locusts had eaten" (Joel 2:24-26). This applied not only to us adopting an older child, but also to Jessica, who for years has never known what it's like to live in a stable home.

In spite of all the circumstances and the ever changing emotions we experience (excitement, fear, anticipation, depression and joy) we are pushing forward. We may be tested and even attacked by the evil one, but we know that God is greater than all these things. I can't wait to look back on all this and see how God has brought us through it all.

And I can't wait to meet Jessica.

Dreaming and falling in love

2009-10-03T07:44:00.003-06:00

I was hoping to sleep in a little this morning, before the big day of housecleaning ahead of me. Instead I was awakened by a dream, and a nice one at that. I was dreaming about Jessica. Not much to tell; I was walking around the house carrying her in my arms, all snuggled up, or she would follow me around like a lost little puppy as I was doing stuff. Now I know that reality may look something quite different, but it may also not be too far off base. I have to keep my head on straight as we're still in the make-up-your-mind phase of the process. But I can't help myself though - I'm completely sold on being this little girl's father. The more we learn the more both Angel & I feel that Jessica is the one. And we learned a lot about Jessica yesterday as we met with Jessica's adoption worker. It was a four hour meeting packed with tons of information about Jessica's history, as well as planning the next meetings with the various parties involved. This even includes meeting Jessica's birth mom, who will need her mind put at ease about the complete strangers who will be adopting her daughter.

After our meeting Sharon, Angel & I went to Tim Horton's for some badly needed lunch (we didn't get out of the meeting til after 1pm) and to debrief from the avalanche of information. Over bowls of chili we talked about how we were feeling about everything, and I said to Sharon that she had pegged me right. I was referring to the comment Sharon made at one point during the meeting, where she looked at the expression on my face as we were absorbing all we were learning. "You're already falling in love, aren't you?" The sheepish look on my face generated laughter around the table, and all I could say was, "It's too late! It's too late!" I was, of course, referring to the advice we were constantly given - use your head, not your heart. But honestly I don't think even the workers involved are following their own advice. As Angel observed as we were driving home, they can see the witting on the wall too. Everyone knows where this is going.

And when this will all end, if we make the decision to adopt, is indeed going to be a lot sooner than we imagined. Over the next four weeks we'll be attending meetings and then we'll go away to Jasper for the weekend to mull everything over. Once we make a final decision, assuming it will be a yes, the dating process begins. This will happen, we are told, over a 4-5 week period prior to placement. This means, in Sharon's words, that we may get to play Santa Clause this Christmas. If, for whatever reason, the placement is delayed past the middle of December Jessica will not be moved until the new year. This goes back to the idea of the seamless placement, where placements do not occur around the holidays. This is to ensure that Christmas is not associated with upheaval in the child's mind. And for Jessica this is especially important as she has had a few unhappy Christmases.

I'm amazed at the range of emotions I feel about all of this. Last night when I went to bed I was feeling fearful about the whole thing, but this morning as I write this post I feel excitement and anticipation. As I said to Angel yesterday I'm ready to leave behind that part of our lives where it was just the two of us, and that's been 18 years in the making. There was a time where I though that I couldn't make the adjustment to parenthood, simply because I was so used to us being a couple with no responsibilities to tie us at home. But I'm in a different frame of mind now, and my focus is on getting ready for parenthood. There are things that need to get done beforehand, things that were causing us some amount of stress. We've just finished renovating our kitchen, and it has that great IKEA look to it, but the place is a shambles. Hence, the big clean-up today. In addition I have my final course to wrap up before my graduation date in December; doing that while attending all those meetings will be a challenge, but it's more of an issue of how I use my time as opposed to having enough.

To be sure, time is the issue here. As Bob Dylan sang, "The times they are a changing" and that is so true for Angel and me. How we spend our time over the next 8 weeks will be life changing, not just for two people but for three. It's a time of hope, fear and anticipation. It's a time of dreaming, and falling in love. I know Hendrick, use your head and not your heart. But I can't help myself here...

Matched!

2009-09-25T10:21:00.004-06:00

Last night around 6:30 the doorbell rang; to our surprise it was our placement worker standing on our step. We knew that the meeting to decide who gets matched with our prospective lead was today, but we didn't expect a personal visit from Sharon. As we sat down I steeled myself for bad news, but instead we heard, "Congratulations, you have been officially matched." We were elated! Sharon filled us in on how the decision was made: nine families in total were in the running, which were narrowed down until the unanimous decision was made that we were the strongest candidates. According to Sharon, our strengths outweighed the strengths of the eight other families put together! Now this isn't a reflection on just us, but also on our extended family too. Things like our faith, our interests, people skills and that we have no children all factored into the decision, but also the fact that she would have cousins around her age, along with lots of other adoptive relatives, apparently made us the best choice. After we were given the scoop on how the decision was made we got down to some history of this little girl.

Her name is Jessica. Jessica has, shall we say, a troubled past. It's not appropriate to go into the details here but suffice to say there has been trauma in her life. As Sharon informed us of Jessica's issues my heart broke for this little girl, who we haven't even met or seen a picture. She faces some challenges but she also has much going for her. Jessica is very level headed for just being 10 years old; she has an interest in music, loves camping and, in spite of everything she's gone through, wants to belong to a family. Sharon then talked a bit about the next step. She would change Jessica's placement status a being "on hold", which means that no one else gets a shot at becoming her parents. While Jessica is on hold we meet with her foster parents, teachers and other professionals who work with her. This is the information gathering phase, where we get into all the nitty-gritty details about Jessica. This is so that we get all the facts together about her needs and supports, then we weigh all that information before deciding whether we want to adopt Jessica or not.

Honestly, for both me and Angel this has gone past the make-up-our-mind stage. We can't imagine what would come up that would make us think twice about adopting Jessica. In our hearts we feel this is the one God is guiding us to. The more we learn about her the more we see what a good fit this is. But we do realize that we can't rush headlong into this, and that nothing is set in stone. Only time will tell if we are meant to be Jessica's parents, and we won't base our decision on either the excitement or fear that we feel. I say fear because after the initial jubilation came this foreboding sense of disaster - what if we make the wrong choice? What if we screw up as parents? What if she grows up to become a dysfunctional adult? Can we afford the cost of parenthood? All these worst case scenarios come up, but as I said to Angel as we were digesting the news that I'm tired of letting fear hold me back from life.

One concern that is more rational is the issue of my heart. It's been a week since I was in the hospital and, aside from a dull ache and some funny twinges I feel fine. I got a call from the Royal Alexandra Hospital for a 7am appointment in early October; they want me to wear a heart monitor for the day, but apparently that's just a routine thing. I haven't heard back from anyone yet about the echo cardiogram, so maybe no news is good news. Until we know if this is going to be an issue or not we're moving forward with the adoption process, and if I do have a problem with my heart then we'll deal with it as it comes. Health does factor into things here, but we have to trust that God is good and that He is working out things for His purposes. Just as Abraham had to lay Issac on the altar, so too do we have to lay Jessica before the Lord and say, "God this child is yours to do with as you please. Whether we get to be Jessica's parents or not you are looking out for her."

Matters of the heart

2009-09-18T17:39:00.004-06:00

Life is all about the heart. It's that subjective place in your psyche where thought, emotion and intuition all come together, and when things don't make sense in your head they say go with your gut, or follow your heart. Following our hearts has been the order of the week, as we had our second meeting with Sharon, our adoption placement worker. She brought with her some information on a lead she found for us. Now I'm not going to publish particulars here, as the information is personal and we don't know how things will unfold. We do have a name, and we know it's a girl who turned 10 recently. She lives with a foster family right here in Edmonton and we have been made aware of her issues, needs and some family background. Sharon said that this "felt" like a good match for us, and the chances of a placement were good even though there were 8 other families out there who were matched to this girl. Next week is the placement meeting, where a committee decides who should be matched with this girl. If it's us then then next step is to meet with her foster parents and the professionals who work with her, and only then can we make an informed, formal decision about becoming her parents.

In our hearts we feel this is the one. The word I would use to describe the profile compatibility is uncanny; actually a better one would be divine. But all the same we don't want to get too excited as we don't know for a fact that this is the one. The most exciting thing about this potential match is that she has a Christian background and wants to get baptized! Now here's the scary part; if we are selected and we decide to be her placement home, things will move quickly. We're talking about a time table of weeks, not months. There are certain factors behind this, and as such the "seamless" placement process they told us about won't apply here. So potentially we could be parents by Christmas. When I heard this my eyes went buggy and all I could say was "Whoa..." Suddenly the thought of becoming a dad so soon made me think about getting stuff done, like finishing my degree. And what about the renos we were in the middle of? Pressure, pressure!

Now, I don't know if that factored into things here, but I did go through another episode of the heart. This time I'm talking about that muscle in your chest that pumps blood through your body. Wednesday night around midnight I woke up because my heart felt like it was racing and fluttering, which was rather uncomfortable to say the least. I lay in bed for about 10 minutes and then woke Angel up to tell her what's going on. She drove me to emergency where they hooked me up to an EKG machine, and the nurse who's looking at my readings says I have an irregular heart beat (No kidding I think to myself, I got a front row seat to this show!). The doctor comes in after looking at my readings and tells me I have Atrial Fibrillation, which basically means that the electrical impulses in my heart were going haywire. This causes build-up of fluid in the sac around your heart and can potentially cause a stroke. Not cool! Apparently I was an uncommon patient as they said I was really young to be having this sort of thing.

So they started an I.V. and they administered a drug to slow my heart rate down, which was up to 150 beats per minute. Then they started me on another I.V. drug that would bring my heart beat back to a normal rhythm. Now if that didn't do the trick by the time it took to administer this drug (1 hour) they were going to knock me out & take the paddles to me. Fortunately it didn't get to that as my heart rhythm finally returned to normal. So that, plus blood work, chest x-rays and an 8 hour stay in emerg later we were finally home again for some well deserved sleep. They told us to expect a call from a heart specialist to follow up; well three hours later the phone wakes us up, and it's the cardiologist office telling me my appointment is for Friday (today) at 1pm. Now if you know anything about the Canadian health care system you expect wait times, so we were very surprised that I got in so quickly. They did a stress test (which showed normal) and an echo cardiogram, which I won't get the results back till next week. I swear I saw a baby's head on the ultrasound monitor... If I did, the technician said, I was in really big trouble.

So lots of excitement this week. Too much if you ask me! But I learned I have to take care of my heart, and I don't just mean the daily aspirin I have to take for life now. I have to trust God with everything that went on. I have to trust that God will provide a child for us, whether it's this girl or not. I have to trust that God will take care of my health and that this heart thing won't screw up our becoming parents. It was tempting to tell God, as I was laying in emerg, that once again He was "screwing" with my life. What if I become sick and they won't let us adopt because my health is failing? It all boils down to one simple question: Do I believe God is good, and has our best intentions for us? But I resolved to trust that Father knows what He's doing, and that He'll take care of things. Maybe the afib was a test, I don't know. The doctors don't seem to know what caused my heart to go haywire either. But God does, and He works all things for the good of those who love Him. As far as He's concerned these are all matters of the heart, and in the end that's all He's after.

My dear child

2009-09-10T10:47:00.005-06:00

Last Thursday we heard from our placement worker that she has a lead on a potential match for us. This Monday we're meeting with her to get some more information, but from what we know so far it sounds promising. We don't know if this is the one or not, but it's hard to not get excited over the possibility that our wait could soon be over. For some time I've been thinking about writing a letter to our as-yet adopted child - something he/she can read down the road - that expresses our thoughts and feelings about waiting to become parents. Now seems to be as good a time as ever.

My dear child,

We haven't met yet, but your Mom & I have been anxious to meet you. I read somewhere that an adopted child is someone who isn't born from a mother's womb but rather her heart. Well, you were conceived in our hearts and we're waiting for the day when we can call you our child. We don't know your name; we don't know if you're a girl or boy or how old you are. We don't know what kind of history you have, although it's probably a history full of hurt. We won't pretend to know what it's like to be in your shoes, but we do know the hurt of not having someone to call us Mom and Dad. But adopting you is not about us becoming parents, but rather giving you a home and a family to call your own. I think though that having our own hurts helps us to understand that you also hurt and long to have someone call you their child.

Do you know how excited we are to meet you some day? We have a bedroom all set up just for you. There's a school and a playground across the street from where we live, and a park close by too. We have a fooseball table in the basement and a Wii we can play on, so there's lots of fun stuff we can do together as a family. Your Mom & I talk about the things we would like to do with you, but we don't know what you like and don't like so you'll have to tell us what you do for fun. Our neighbors, friends and family always ask if we've heard when you'll be coming to us. They have kids of their own and maybe you'll become friends with them. You'll have cousins who are school aged kids, grown-up cousins and lots of uncles and aunts too. Many people are waiting for you to come to us and will be happy to meet you. I can tell you right now that you will be surrounded by people who will love you. There is a new life here, waiting just for you!

As your future Dad I want to say sorry in advance for all the mistakes I will make as I help you become an adult. To say that no one's perfect is an understatement, and seems to be an excuse we grownups make for making mistakes. I will make mistakes but I don't mean to hurt you. Many people have told me though that I'd make a great father. I may turn out to be a great father, but I'm more interested about showing you the Father than being a great father. Who is the Father? The Father is the one who made all things, including you. He does not make mistakes, and while people make mistakes no one is a mistake, because all things come from Him. He is the perfect expression of goodness, love and justice. He knew you before you were born and He knows you long for a family. He puts the lonely in families and is a Father to the fatherless. He will never leave you nor forsake you.

How do I know this? I know this because He lives inside of me. The Spirit of the Father lives in everyone who knows Him. He gave us a book called The Bible so that we could read about Him. He also works in the everyday lives of people and shows us His word is true in real and practical ways. He sent his only Son to show us the way to Him, because we all have lost our way. We were all born separated from the Father, and He so wants to adopt us as His children. Just as your Mom and I anxiously wait for the day to adopt you, so too does the Father wait to adopt you as His child. Your Mom & I call Him our Father, and we pray that one day you will call Him Father too. But it may not be easy for you to call Him Father because of the mistakes your Dad makes. We see Him the way we see our dads down here on Earth; so if we had good dads it's easier to see the Father as good. But if our dads let us down enough times it can get hard to see The Father as kind and loving. I want to show you who He is, and that's why I'm saying my sorries now. And believe me, I will also say my sorries later on.

So until we finally meet your Mom & I will keep praying for you. We pray that The Father will guide you to us soon and help us be the Mom & Dad you need us to be. We pray that you will grow to be the best that you can be and that you live out your dreams. We believe in you and are so proud of you, even though we haven't met yet. And until we do we will have to be patient, knowing that The Father watches over all of us and is working on bringing us all together.

Love,
Mom & Dad

Dear Subversive Church,

2009-08-26T21:26:00.011-06:00

Hi Mike (from Subversive Church),

I thought I'd reply to your comments you left me in regards to my last post by posting them on my blog. I hope to try and put myself in your shoes, bearing in mind that we come from different church and national cultures. My experiences shape my worldview and my identity, so again I see the world for who I am and not necessarily for what it is. For the most part I simply want to paraphrase what you've said so that you can help me to understand where you're coming from. I will leave you with some concluding thoughts and will let you have the last word here. If you like to continue the conversation maybe we can do e-mail or skype, so feel free to contact me through my blog. God bless you as you continue to seek Him in your journey of faith.

Hendrick

Subversive Church says:

"I must press that what caused me to no longer attend an institutional church wasn't hurtful. Far from it actually, as I still talk to many of the people from the churches I have attended. In fact, I went disc golfing the other day with the worship leader from the last church I attended."

So you have good relations with the people you formerly attended church with. Glad to hear that. I made a (reasonable) assumption that there was hurt, as you had mentioned sadness and anger in your having left the church. Losses are felt in many ways over many things; if you became disillusioned with the church then I would say that’s a loss of ideals. Any loss involves hurt, so I wonder how honest you are here with yourself. However I need to take at face value what you said about there being no hurt.

"So why did I leave if I wasn't hurt? Well here is a laundry list of reasons:

For most churches there is a human hierarchical system. I don't think followers of Jesus should be 'over' one another. It breeds complacency. Rather, each person should be working with one another in mutual support. This requires more commitment and active participation than is required in the current model. And that in effect is going to turn people away because they want something easy and handed to them. Think rich young ruler parable."

So I think what you’re saying here is that there should be equality amongst believers, both in authority and in function. Everyone shares the load; no one is “the boss.” It sounds like in your church experience the pastors did the heavy lifting while the people did little. If the pastor actually asked the people to serve in the church it would drive them away. Not sure how the rich ruler ties in here as it wasn’t a parable but a real interaction with a person who trusted in riches instead of God…

"I don't think there should be buildings. Buildings create budgets, budgets require money. In order to generate money, a congregation must be established and grown. This distorts Jesus' prayer to go and make disciples into an evangelical market share mindset."

You’re talking about misplaced priorities here; buildings over people and running the church like a business, yes?

"Tithing as it is practiced today in nowhere near the biblical model of 10%. In fact, it goes against the early church models of everything in community. Tithing is used to support a budget."

I’m unsure of what you mean here, with the way you worded the sentence. Are you saying that tithing is unbiblical? Is it that people don’t tithe, and should? Or is it how the tithe is spent that’s unbiblical? I think you may be referring to how the believers sold their possessions and shared with those in need, like they did in the book of Acts. Am I right?

"Sunday as the primary service. Not only are the origins of moving the Sabbath to Sunday anti-jewish, they exclude the working class. Generally those with weekends off have better jobs, jobs that aren't shift work."

Ok, so I think you’re questioning how and why the day of Christian worship was changed, and that by having a fixed day of worship we have created cultural and economical barriers for those whom God seeks to save.

"Your claim of Sunday being the best place to meet Jesus is not inclusive, which I believe Jesus was inclusionary. It excludes those who live in repressive nations, hostile nations, and even those poor folks who have to work on Sundays."

Did I say that Sunday was the best place? I thought I said that the church was the best place, whether it was on Saturday night, Sunday morning, mid week in a home or over coffee at Tim Horton’s (Do you have Tim Horton’s down there?) Again I think you’re saying here that a fixed day of worship is a cultural and economic barrier for people. Are you talking about this being a social justice issue here too? I’m not sure what you mean about it excluding those in repressed, hostile nations.

"Both the Sunday service and the building lead to a static exsistence. They tie people down and leave them little room to maneuver, which seems an afront to the idea of following the Holy Spirit."

So doing church in a fixed location in space and time creates barriers to what God wants to do in the church.

"The Sunday service and the building are for current believers in reality, but are referred to as a place for non-believers to come. Due to the desire of people to attend something that doesn't require effort (think pew-warmers) any extra time to create something for those curious about the teachings of Christ is right out, so the Sunday service is touted as something for everyone. It isn't. It ends up being stagnant for those who have been believers for longer because the message is never deeper or a Q&A session for fear of those who might be new or curious believers getting turned off."

I think you’re saying that, as Erwin McManus put it, the church has become a refuge from the world instead of for the world. Church-goers ultimately don’t care about the lost, and the church leadership waters down the message in the hopes that this will entice the seeker without turning him/her off. Correct, or am I off base here?

"And the people who might need to hear the freeing message of Jesus aren't going to step foot into a building they deem to hold judgemental people, even if that is a wrong stereotype on their part."

Yes, the church does have an image problem, deservedly or not.

"I can expand more on those, but needless to say I think the model, not necessarily the people, is a flawed way to represent following Christ. And I think that is a vitally important distinction. The institutional church (i.e. the buildings, the titles, the heirarchy, the format) is not the human church (i.e. the people, both locally and globally)"

So how then should we “do church?”

"You yourself said that you meet Jesus in places other than church. Well, what if maybe, just maybe, for others those "other places" are more important?"

What if maybe, just maybe, they’re all important? They’re important at least to me.

"I know that admitting that another way is possible, maybe even better, seems to shake the foundational pillars of western Christianity, but I'll leave you with two examples of other ideas that shook our religious foundations to their core. Jesus verses the Temple system. And Luther verses the Roman Catholic Church."

So… you’re saying that there’s two ways of doing church here: my way and yours? Do we even understand each other’s concepts of how to do church? I think we’re both having a hard time understanding each other (or maybe I’m speaking for myself here). The bottom line is, in spite of all the problems of the institutional church, I’m happy to be there. Why? Because in spite of the mess we all make in the church (myself included) I find that Jesus continues to show up, Sunday after Sunday. I don’t know how having a non-model type of church model feeds you, keeps you accountable or brings you together with other believers in worship. I’d like to know how you manage to grow in your faith; if you can do all these things outside of the traditional church structure then that’s great – for you. All I know is that when I miss a Sunday at my home church I don’t feel guilty; instead I deeply feel like I’ve missed out on something wonderful.

What you’re saying here doesn’t shake me; it simply bewilders me. I don’t feel threatened by your view of the church. Rather, I see it as just another expression of the Reformation, which really has never ended. It goes on today and it looks different to everyone. My wife’s cousin is an Adventist, so I have to be a vegetarian and worship on Saturday. The Pentecostal church I attended when I got saved said I had to speak in tongues. My Calvinist neighbor tells me I’m better off in a Reformed church. Each church has a corner on the truth, and now the non-institutional church has it too. Honestly I’m weary of it, and in the end I may add the subversive church to the list of all the other “true” churches.

Here’s some food for thought. Ronald Wells, in his book “History through the Eyes of Faith” addresses this problem here. He writes that Protestant conventional wisdom is about concern over corruption in the institutional church, which grieves the Spirit (or as you put it is an affront to the Spirit). Therefore if we are restoring real religion we must be supported by the Spirit, who can’t be divided. “If,” Wells writes, “the Holy Spirit did leave the church, and since you seem to know what others do not know, you should tell us when the Spirit left.” (Wells, 80-81)

"To think that we are at the pinnicle of Christianity is to forget our history and act as though God might not have anything better than mega-churches in store for us."

God forbid that any of us should think we have arrived.

Why I need the church

2009-08-19T20:57:00.008-06:00

Wow, did I ever stir the pot last week. My previous post on a certain celebrity, charitable giving and the church all made for a blog recipe that was bold in flavor. I got tons of feedback, most on facebook where I import my posts to. As well an anonymous reader (or readers) gave me some food for thought, and I had a stimulating online dialogue with a group of Christians who have basically walked away from the institutional church. I followed a link that someone gave me, and if you want to see the conversation you can click here. To everyone who gave me feedback I thank you; you've helped me in the process of rounding out my views. After some thought and prayer I decided to follow up last week's post with a response that, by applying the wording to myself, I hope to make a case for why I (and perhaps you as well) need the church. This is mainly intended for my Christian readers, but hopefully my "secular" readers (who probably say "So what?") will see the benefits as well.

Now, when I say "the church" I refer here to a local, organized assembly of believers. There's the concept of the "universal" or "Catholic" church (not to be confused here with Roman Catholicism) that all believers in all nations and for all time are a part of "the church." Those who object to the idea that Christians need to "go to church" say that they haven't left the universal church but rather the local church. They basically left because they were jaded by issues of leadership, money, doctrine, or whatever else that's turned them off. I don't blame them. I've been disappointed by the church too. As a former leader in the church I've seen the other side of doing church, and it's not pretty at times. You find out things about people and deal with issues that you wish you didn't know or have to handle. But does that give me license to just walk away from the church? Why do I need the church?

In a nutshell, the church is where I experience Jesus. And believe me, there's nothing better than experiencing Jesus. Whether it's at my home church of Calvary Baptist or Harvest Vineyard, my home-away-from home, or any number of other churches I've visited where the people love Jesus, I encounter Him there. When I worship God in a corporate setting I feel His love. When I receive teaching about God's kingdom and apply it to my life I become more like Him. When I serve others with the gifts that I have I sense God's pleasure on me. Guilt doesn't motivate me to attend church, but relationship does. Not only with Jesus but with people. In fact it's through relationships with people that I come to know Jesus more. I need the prayers and encouragement of those who love me, both parishioners and pastors. I've been blessed by the wisdom and guidance of godly people, and if I had not been mentored by the church leaders in my life I would not be the person I am today (which would not be a good thing). And I can't get much of this by jumping from church to church every Sunday, or not at all for that matter. I need to put down roots somewhere so that people can get to know me, and I know them, so I can encounter Jesus in a deeper way.

The church also is a resource for those in need; not only spiritually or relationally, but materially. I've been the personal recipient, on more than one occasion, of the generosity of the church in times of great need. And I'm not the only one; for several years now my home church (Calvary) has sent teams to Mexico to build houses for the poor. Two years ago we began sending groups to Vancouver to minister to people in their inner city. And once a month we send a group, on a Sunday morning, downtown to give away food, toiletry and clothing to the poor. We've spontaneously taken up oblation offerings for people in our congregation who have hit on hard times. We took up an offering for the 2004 Boxing Day Tsunami victims. I can go on and on here. I'm not saying that we couldn't do more, but I am saying that the church, as an organized institution, can be a force for good in the world. I know it's made a difference in my life, and I know it's made a difference in the lives of others. I guess that's another reason why Bono hits a nerve with me - that there are actually churches out there that are doing the very thing he's saying they're not doing, which is helping the poor.

I understand the reasons why some people don't think they need the church. But honestly I just can't relate to them, especially when they say that God "told them" to leave the church. It flies in the face of everything I've read in the Bible and it flies in the face of everything I've experienced. Again, we see the world for who we are and not so much for what it is. So if your experience with the church has left you jaded, let me ask you this: Why throw out the baby with the bathwater? If the church you attend spends more money on its pastor or building than its worth, does that mean God has left the church along with you? Like I said in my last post, Jesus didn't let the hypocrisy of the day stop Him from going to the Synagogue every Sabbath, and neither should it stop me from going to church on Sunday. Besides, I have been just as much a part of the problem myself at times. So if I decided to stop attending church it's not so much as an indictment on others, but myself. Judge not and you will not be judged, Jesus said. It's a good word I constantly need to remind myself, especially when I'm in church on Sunday.

Is Bono better than Jesus?

2009-08-11T11:24:00.005-06:00

Ok, I'm sticking my neck out here by what I'm about to say, but if we're encouraged to question everything then it's only fair to question those who ask the questions. Bear in mind also that, like everything else I write, this is a reflection of who I am. We see the world not so much for what it is but for who we are. Our views tells others more about us than the world around us. I'm sticking my neck out here because I have some thoughts that are in the minority about a well-known celebrity. I am the pigeon that's about to poop on a pop-culture icon who's put on a pedestal. I've had conversations about this fellow with a couple of young adults from my church who think he's the greatest thing since sliced bread, so I know I'll be ruffling a few feathers. Who am I talking about here?

Bono.

Yes, Bono. As in the lead singer of U2, arguably the biggest rock band in the world. Now I have to say that I like Bono. Not a lot, but I do like him. I listen to U2 and my favorite Christian rock band, Third Day, has been greatly influenced by their music. I hear re-makes of U2 songs on Christian radio, and Bono has spoken out on social issues for years. He's had the ear of many powerful people, so to say that U2/Bono has impacted the world is an understatement. Having said that I have to say that there's something about Bono that just doesn't sit well with me. But why? He works tirelessly to make people aware of Third World poverty and debt; he meets with world leaders to press his cause and he's rightly given the church a kick in the pants about it's indifference to AIDS in Africa. This happened a few years ago when Bill Hybels, pastor of Willow Creek Church, interviewed Bono. Here's the interview:

Fast forward to last Friday, the last day of the Willow Creek Leadership Summit in South Barrington, Illinois. I was at a satellite conference site, as a follow-up interview was beamed down to us folk who couldn't make it to Willow Creek Church. Bill Hybels asked Bono what he thought about the church's involvement with the poor, and Bono's reply was, "You know, I get off gett'n off about the church and you've completely ruined it for me... I said that the church was a sleeping giant, but I never knew that the giant could run." What Bono referred to was the tremendous response to his call to action. Since that first interview churches in the developed world gave generously to poverty relief in Africa, which seemed to take Bono by surprise. It's ironic that it took a rock star to prompt Christians to give, but God uses whoever's available to serve His purposes.

Ok, I'm getting to the point here. Hybels, towards the end of the interview, says something like, "You're a Christian and yet you won't commit yourself to a church, and that really bugs me." When Hybels said that everyone both at Willow Creek and the satellite site , including me, cheered. Afterwards Hybels gently chided us for doing so. But here's why I (and probably everyone else) cheered: Bono is a rich entertainer who "gets off gett'n off about the church" about poverty, and yet sits on the fence when it comes to the church. And I honestly don't know what he himself has done to help the poor. He comes across (to me at least) as judgmental, and if he's a believer (which I believe he is) then he's a part of Christ's church, thereby judging himself as well (Mathew 7:1-3). I understand his point of view about the church. Growing up in Ireland with one parent Protestant and the other Catholic has made him fearful of denominationalism (his words, not mine here). He has a lot of reservations about the church, and I don't blame him. I've felt hurt, disappointed and let down by the church too. But I'm still a part of it because I need the church. Apparently Bono doesn't. At least he goes around attending services, Catholic and Protestant, wherever he goes.

It's tempting to go on and on here, but I'll end with a few final thoughts. Jesus didn't shy away from denominationalism when he was here on earth. He made it his custom to go to the Synagogue every Sabbath, in spite of the divisions in Judaism and the hypocrisy of the people. Bono's no better than the rest of us and certainly no better than Jesus. Bono sees the church through the eyes of Irish sectarianism, and while understandable it keeps him from experiencing a deeper relationship with Jesus. But when we commit ourselves to a church we can form deep relationships that form the life of Christ in us. Maybe I'm wrong about Bono. Maybe he's not just an entertainer, asking us to help the poor while being chauffeured or flying around in a private jet. I want to be wrong.

So Bono, if you happen to be reading this (which I highly doubt), maybe tone down the rhetoric, take a year off from your touring schedule and spend some time and money on the ground, doing hands on stuff with the poor. Maybe The Edge and the other lads would pitch in too. If you have, then I apologize. But actions do speak louder than words, and I just can't relate to wealthy Christian celebrities who lecture me about the poor and don't put roots down in a congregation. You know, we all have a hand in making the problems of the world, and like it or not the church is the only life boat for a sinking world. So why rock the boat just because you don't like the company?

'Nuff said.

"So, any news yet?"

2009-08-04T16:16:00.003-06:00

That's the question I get a lot these days - "Have you heard anything about your adoption?" The simple answer to that question is no. "How goes the adoption process?" someone else would ask. The answer to that questions is S L O W. . . Not that I mind fielding a bunch of questions about it. In fact I see it as a positive thing; that there are so many people cheering us on, anxious for developments. I suspect that if we were pregnant there would be a lot of people happy for us but not as interested. After all, anyone can have a baby (well except us, and I know there's others out there in the same boat) but not everyone goes out and adopts a child. The attention that's generated is unexpected, but encouraging.

Having said that both Angel and I also feel like the wheels are slowly grinding along, if at all. It seems like things either move along quickly or at a snail's pace. Kinda like rush hour on the Whitemud Freeway during construction season... Knowing that the process could take years is a bit discouraging though. I'm hoping that it's months instead of years, but maybe I'll be feeling like things are rushing along too fast when we finally do get a placement. In the meantime there are things we can do to fill the time. We can take more courses offered by Children's Services on how to meet the needs of adoptive children; as well a lady in our church has matched us up with friends of her's who have adopted. We've been corresponding by e-mail and plan to get together sometime this month so we can share each other's experiences. And we're supposed to meet again soon with Sharon, our placement worker, to talk about any developments that have been going on behind the scenes.

The biggest thing we can do in the meantime though is to pray. I pray every day for our child - whoever he is (I use he here generically, but also because the odds are that it will be a boy as there's so many of them in the system). I pray for his protection and guidance; that whatever pain and trauma he has (or maybe is right at this moment) going through that God would surround him and reveal His heart to him. I know that we're all damaged goods, but if you're a child in foster care there's even more damage. That kind of damage can make it hard to believe that God is good; so, in spite of whatever circumstances he faces, I pray that our future child would put his faith in Jesus and let Him heal the wounds of his past. And I also pray that years from now when he reads his old man's blog that he will see how God has been working behind the scenes in our lives as we're preparing to become the parents God will provide him. As much as I want things to move along I do sense that this is a time of preparation for us, and that the times of intercession will be a part of his coming to know the Father of every orphan. And really, when you think about it, that's all of us too.

What's your spiritual temperament?

2009-07-26T15:35:00.003-06:00

Angel and I are enjoying our last day of holidays before going back to work tomorrow. (Sigh) Where does the time go? If only we had another 2 weeks off! We went to Waterton National Park and then into southern B.C. to visit some of my cousins and my uncle & aunt, and thoroughly enjoyed our trip (if you like you can click here to see some pics). Angel finds that if she doesn't get away to the mountains at least once a year she goes squirrelly. Part of that is because she just needs to get away from the doldrums of office life and clear her head. But another part of it is that she relates to God in nature. When she's in the outdoors, especially in the mountains, she finds herself especially drawn to the Lord in what lives and grows. I'm not saying she's a pantheist, but what I'm talking about here is a person's spiritual temperament.

A few years ago I was first introduced to the concept of one's spiritual temperament when I read Gary Thomas' book Sacred Pathways. In it he lists nine different ways one relates to God. Naturalists (like Angel) relate to God in the great outdoors; Sensates connect with God in a multi-sensory way; Traditionalists need structure in their worship of God; Ascetics need peace and quiet in their relationship with God; Activists express their love for God through their involvement in social justice issues; Caregivers love God through their love for the needy; Enthusiasts freely express their love for Jesus; Contemplatives wear their love for God like their hearts - on their sleeves and Intellectuals use their minds to connect with God. No one pathway is better than any other, and there is no right or wrong way to connect with the one true God so long as it's done out of a pure heart (John 4:23-24).

This morning a lady in our church spoke about her recent trip to Africa to attend a Micah Challenge summit; Micah Challenge works to help alleviate poverty in developing nations. Her passion to help the poor and downtrodden is an example of an activist temperament. Another fellow I know from church is more of a traditionalist, even though our style of worship reflects more of an enthusiast temperament. I would also characterize our senior pastor as having an ascetic temperament, as his personality is more on the quiet side to begin with. And me? Well, I think I reflect several different temperaments; I can see bits of the traditionalist/activist/caregiver/enthusiast/intellectual in me. I'm sure there are bits of the other temperaments in the people I just mentioned too. Thomas' book challenges the reader to not only be aware and embrace their temperament, but to also work on the ones they don't relate to. This really resonates with me, as I'm a person who strives for balance. By developing other spiritual temperaments we can enrich our relationship with God, as well as learn to appreciate how other Christians and other churches seek after God.

So, what's your spiritual temperament?

BLTS Class of '89

2009-06-28T19:45:00.003-06:00

Man, where does the time go? Today we celebrated Jenelle and Rayleen's graduation from high school. If I ever need a reminder of how long Angel & I have been married we only need to look to our two beautiful teenage nieces. Or so we have told them they're our nieces. The inside joke between the four of us is that they weren't simply born to my older brothers & sisters-in-law around the time we got married. No, they were the reason we got married! Twins, separated from birth and given to my brothers to be raised. Now they're old enough to know. Ok, it didn't work out that way. But still we joke about it, although there may be some who don't find it amusing. Oh well. At any rate we love them both and are very proud of them. Congrats girls!

But what really blows my mind is how long ago it was that I attended my first Bible college, the Baptist Leadership Training School in Calgary. The year was 1988; I was on a Greyhound bus going down what was then simply called Highway 2, now the Queen Elisabeth II Highway. I had left behind my then girlfriend of two months (Angel) and was looking ahead to seven months of discipleship studies. It was one of the best experiences, if not one of the hardest, in my then young life. The challenges I faced were being away from home, away from my loved ones, in an unfamiliar city. I had so many issues I was still dealing with then, like learning to be a people-person, learning to be humble and not letting my fears and insecurity get the better of me. Learning to deal with conflict was paramount, as there were over 30 of us all living together in residence trying to get along.

The blessings however were also in the people I lived with there. I learned a lot about God and myself then, and I liken it as a time where seeds were planted in me that would later take root and grow in my life. There were also great memories like practical jokes, building forts in the student lounge out of the giant pillows, Saturday night pizza parties (the pizza had to be snuck in sideways through the bathroom window so as not to alert our dorm parents), playing Foosball, the list goes on. My favorite memory though was when my roommate Kent took up a collection to buy me 2 tickets to see Bill Cosby at the Saddledome. After graduation we all went back to the lives we left behind, and over the years the contacts I kept up faded. I really blamed myself for this as I had a hard time really making deep bonds with my fellow students; this was part of the baggage I learned to get rid of. It seemed a little too late though for me to start making those connections, or so I though at least. But there were those in my class who reached out to me over the last few years, for which I am grateful for.

So yesterday we sat in a backyard in Calgary, remembering old times. There were only five of us that were able to make it, and all of them were Calgary residents except for us. Maybe I'll have to try and organize an Edmonton chapter reunion, as many wanted to come but weren't able to make it from here. It was because of Jesus that we came together 20 years ago and it was because of Jesus that we were able to come together 20 years later. Through our relationships with each other we experienced God, and yes He was there at the pizza parties and in the pillow forts too. The school closed down several years ago, but the mark left on literally hundreds of young people remains. The same can be said of the 30-something students that had become the class of 1989.

Anyone for pizza?

Bigger than us

2009-06-21T15:53:00.003-06:00

The doorbell rang this morning at 10:30; normally we would be in church at this time but today was an exception. After several rounds of telephone tag we finally got to put a face to the voice of the person who now stood on our step. Sharon, our adoption placement worker, had come to call and brought with her the next phase in the process of our becoming parents. One of the first things she said when she came in was, "Your neighbor's smoking pot." This wasn't exactly the most encouraging statement coming from the person who's helping us place a child in our home! Does this mean we can't be parents because we live in a "bad" neighborhood? I poked my head out the door and saw who it was (I waved when he saw I was looking at him) and quickly closed the door. "Will your child be hanging around that family?" Sharon asked? "Probably not," I replied doubtfully. Phew, at least the question was phrased in a way that suggested we were still in the running...

After getting settled, with coffee in hand, we dove right into things. Sharon asked us questions like, "What do you do for a living" as she hadn't had time to familiarize herself with our profile - you know, get to know you kinda stuff. The conversation eventually steered into the needs of the children in the system. Then Sharon, who had mentioned earlier in the conversation that she was very open about what she thought, mentioned that people who "fear God" (as she put it) often feel obligated to look after others who are less fortunate. I knew where she was going with this, as she was feeling out our motives for becoming adoptive parents. "This is a decision to make that's bigger than us," I replied. "You're right in saying that we "fear God" (I used my fingers to make the quotation marks here) but we believe that God will bring to us the right child and that He will take care of the ones passed over." This seemed to put our worker at ease as she liked the attitude behind the answer. No, we're not religious nuts, motivated by guilt, who are out to save the world!

We then talked about pre-natal exposure to alcohol, attachment issues, etc and then we re-examined our preferences based on who we are and what our heart really desires. "This is the part where it's ok to be selfish," Sharon said. "We want you to be completely honest about what you want to do as parents." What this meant was that we needed to take a good hard look at what we dreamed about parenthood. For instance if we wanted to kick a ball around with our child it probably doesn't work well placing a child who's blind. As we reviewed our profile we began to whittle down the preferences we had listed in our assessment; most of this was based on further information Sharon provided that made several categories not applicable. Finally, we began to review potential matches. Yes, we already have been flagged by the computers that look for potential placements. Seven of them to be exact. One of them peaked our interest, which Sharon is now going to follow up on.

After Sharon left we had time to reflect on our visit. We were left with the impression that whoever we get we were likely going to be placed with a boy, that he would be on the older side and that he would come with mild to moderate issues. As for the time table it was anyone's guess, but again the impression was that it wouldn't happen anytime this year. But things are moving along now, and between now and our next meeting in August we would look at enrolling in a class or two dealing with subjects like attachment issues. We also felt the need to debrief with someone, so as soon as I'm finished this post we'll go see Niels & Janice, who have been great supports to us as they've gone down the adoption road themselves. We're thankful for the supports we have and were encouraged by Sharon's comments on how we'll be excellent parents. And since today is Father's Day it seems appropriate that today was the start of the next chapter in our adoption story. Most of all we're thankful for our Father in Heaven who we know is guiding us in the process. He knows what's He's doing. After all, He did adopt us as His kids...

Just Stuff

2009-05-24T16:49:00.005-06:00

Ok, so last week we got the news that we were approved to become adoptive parents. The next day we went to Rundle Park for a walk'n talk about how our lives were going to change in a big way. One of the things we felt we needed to do was to get the bedroom ready for our little one. The room we were going to use was at the moment Angel's crafting room, which we knew was eventually going to become a child's bedroom should we become parents. There was just one problem though; we were kinda broke at the moment. Well, sort of - we had some money saved in the bank but that was for a rainy day, and these days there's a lot of clouds on the horizon. But, I said to myself, don't worry because God will provide for all our needs. Little did I know how soon those needs would be provided for.

The very next day I got an e-mail from my sister-in-law Wanda-Lee. Now bear in mind here that we hadn't said a word about anything other than our facebook update on being approved, so no one knew that we wanted to furnish the bedroom - let alone have money issues concerning that very idea. In a nutshell we had received an offer for some donated furniture; specifically my niece Bethany's old captain's bed, dresser and desk. "Would you be interested in having them?" the e-mail said. Obviously we leaped at accepting this generous offer. We knew that anything Palle & Wanda-Lee bought was nice stuff, so we wrote back and made arrangements to have the furnishings delivered for the following Saturday.

Now here's the character development part of this story: we had to move a fair bit of stuff around our home to make room for the furnishings, and what couldn't be kept would be thrown out or donated to the local thrift store. It's amazing how we cling to the stuff we have, but in the end it's just stuff. However some of that stuff has sentimental value; for instance we parted with a stereo I had since I was 15 years old. It was bought with money that I received from my maternal grandparents in Denmark, and it cost $300. Now $300 back in 1985 was a lot of money, and it was a good quality stereo. Also it was a reminder to me of my trip to Denmark in '85, which was the last time I saw my grandparents before they died. However the stereo had fallen into disuse; in other words I wasn't spinning LPs like I was a teenager anymore. So, practicality won over sentimentality.

The other character development part of this story had to do with the ensuing chaos that resulted from moving all our stuff around. I agonized over how this piece of furniture didn't look right in its new spot, and lamented how things couldn't have just stayed where they were. If only we had one extra bedroom!! Seriously, I am the kind of person who lives by the creed, "A place for everything and everything in its place." I would look at how we arranged something and say, "I hate it there," or get frustrated when I found that something didn't fit in the new space I had thought would work out well. But I realized there was a bigger problem; if I'm this way when we're simply moving things around, how am I going to handle the potential chaos that will come with parenthood? I had to remind myself of what was really important, keep telling myself that once the dust settles we would get that cozy feeling of home again, and that in the end it's all just stuff.

I do have to say that through it all there was one area of the house that I didn't hate. In fact I absolutely loved it, and that was our child's bedroom. In spite of the fact that it felt a little small I was so taken by the notion of a little one who would one day be sleeping in the pine bed now sitting where a filing cabinet and bookshelf once were. I also thought back to our renovation days when we were getting ready to move into our home. Angel & I had written Bible verses on the floors of each room before the carpet was laid, and in the child's bedroom we had selected Psalm 127:3: "Children are a gift from the Lord; they are a reward from Him." So, now the room is ready. All we have to do now is wait for our reward.

We would like to thank everyone involved in the donation and moving of this marvelous furniture. Angel & I are so blessed to be a part of a caring and generous family. Whoever we adopt is going to hit the jackpot with having so many loving uncles, aunts, cousins and grandparents. And thank you Jesus for being our reward and provider of all good things, including the reward of being a family one day.

Big Stuff

2009-05-15T13:40:00.004-06:00

The mail came early this Friday morning; I should know as I don't go to work on Fridays. One of the letters had the return address for Alberta Child and Family Services... I opened the letter which read the following:

"Mr. & Mrs. Nicolajsen: I am pleased to advise you that your application to adopt was approved effective April 24, 2009."

We are now officially going to be adoptive parents! I was so surprised to hear back so quickly from the government, considering the time line we were told to expect. The first thing I did was call Angel at work to tell her the news. Needless to say she was more than happy, and the first thing she did was e-mail her boss notifying him that we had been approved and would need to look into adjusting her hours once we have a placement. The second thing I did was update my facebook status, which now says, "Hendrick and his beautiful wife Angel are OFFICIALLY approved to be adoptive parents!! Now the wait begins..." And so it does. I feel a sense of excitement and anticipation, and that sometime in the future our lives will be drastically altered. The timing of the letter is funny, as I had a dream last night about having adopted a son. In the dream he was having a hard time adjusting to having new parents, and I was simply giving him a listening ear. Prophetic? Maybe...

So needless to say big stuff is happening in our lives; we've taken the next step in the journey towards parenthood. The letter stated that we would be hearing from an adoption/permanency worker to talk about what happens next, which is something I really appreciate. There's a level of communication and support that wasn't there 10 years ago when we went through the adoption process the first time. In the meantime we've got some preparing to do, as we need to start changing the physical layout of our home in order to make space for a little one. Not only do we need to make space in our home but in our lives as well; for Angel that means her hours at work will change once we get a placement, and for me that means I need to get school out of the way.

Which brings me to some more big stuff... It's been a while in coming, but after months of thinking, praying and talking with people I've made a decision. I've decided to become involved in pastoral ministry again. Yes, you read right, I'm getting back on the horse again. Well, not quite yet. As I mentioned I need to get school out of the way first, as I've learned the value of doing a few things well. A number of things led me to this decision, one of which was my convocation at Prairie. Something seemed to click for me there that was, I suppose, the final little nudge in this direction I was already heading in.

I guess I've come to accept that like it or not, whether I want it or not, God has wired me for pastoral ministry. I don't know if it'll be vocational, as much as it needs to be if I'm going to have the time to do it well. But I now realize that Calvary is my ministry field and not just the place where I was doing my training. So it'll start small by getting involved in prayer ministry (which won't happen until the fall) and getting back on the teaching team, which won't happen until the new year. There's still a part of me that says, "Are you nuts?" But that's another blog entry, which I'll think about writing another day. In the meantime I have papers to write and furniture to move.

Big stuff. What an understatement...

Giving and receiving

2009-04-26T15:07:00.005-06:00

Wow, what a week this has been. Lots of big stuff came down the pipe in the last seven days and all of it good. It seemed fitting that the sermon in church today was about it being better to give than receive, but for me there was one catch: lots of people have been giving while I've been at the receiving end. It all started on Monday, which was my 18th wedding anniversary. Angel & I had made big plans to go grocery shopping and catch CSI:Miami on the TV; it wasn't so much that we became an old married couple but that we didn't have the money to go out that night. Well, first thing Monday morning as I pull my bus into the Robin Hood Learning Centre to unload my passengers one of the day program staff climbed aboard. "I just wanted you to know that last Friday you really made my day, so here's a little something for you." My co-worker was referring to the coffee I brought in for her & someone else on my day off. So I was a little taken aback when I saw her give me a $25 gift card for Earl's restaurant. So that plus a 2 for 1 movie admission we had been saving changed our plans and made for one of the most memorable (and spontaneous) anniversaries we've ever had. If you're reading this you know who you are, and so once again we are so grateful for your kindness and generosity.

Fast forward to last Friday; Angel & I drove down to Three Hills for my convocation at PBI. Yup, after all these years I finally graduate from Prairie Bible College. I have to clarify here that while I got to wear the funny hat & robe in April my graduation date isn't until December. However since I'm just a few credits shy of my degree they let me participate in the ceremony this spring. In spite of having never met any of my fellow graduates before the rehearsal I quickly made friends with a couple of my "classmates", who were in disbelief that I did the entire program by distance education. After the practice run I received word that the dean of the distance education program wanted to see me in his office, where I received from him a set of books as a gift for my graduation. And if that wasn't enough they threw in a couple of free Prairie t-shirts when I mentioned I wanted to buy some while I was there.

I was so glad that a few members of my family were able to come to my grad, as my parents, my mom-in-law and my older brother Steen were able to make it down. The ceremony was long (and hot as I cooked in my gown for over 2 hours) but the feelings of pride and accomplishment were well worth it (you can click here to see some photos of the commencement). Afterwards we drove back to Edmonton where we met up with other family members at The Old Spaghetti Factory in West Edmonton Mall. Once again came the giving and receiving, as we had our portion of the tab paid for by family plus receiving a gift card. And if that wasn't enough someone in church today gave me a congratulations card with a $50 gift card for East Side Mario's.

So why am I spouting off about all this stuff that was given to me? It's because it's so hard for me to receive. And it's not just the material stuff but the relational stuff that comes with it. The very act of going to convocation was an exercise in receiving, as I wasn't sure if I wanted to commemorate my finishing school. But, as someone in church said to me this morning, convocation is an act of blessing. So many people have been cheering us on lately; first with being recommended as adoptive parents, the warm well-wishes for our 18th anniversary and now my grad. Honestly, it's been great but overwhelming too. I'm not used to so much blessing in such a short period of time. I can't help but think if this is a God thing, considering how much I've been questioning His involvement in my life lately. But I'm a relational kind of person who responds to tangible acts of kindness; it's my "love language" that I speak with and listen for. Maybe God's trying to say something to me. Maybe He's been speaking for a while, and I just haven't been listening well enough...

Naked Anthropology

2009-04-18T08:30:00.005-06:00

I'm in the home stretch with the last few courses of my degree. The light's finally at the end of the tunnel! The latest course which I'm just finishing up is on Cultural Anthropology, and it's been one of the most interesting courses I've enjoyed taking. Anthropology, if you were wondering, is simply the study of humanity. It's a broad field of study with many sub-fields. Anthropologists study human development, and covers areas like linguistics, archeology and paleontology (the study of people's physical development). But the biggest sub-field is the study of human culture, which is what I've been learning. And learn I did! My eyes were opened in a lot of ways. I'd like to share with you what I saw.

I think the biggest thing I learned is how different and even unbiblical our way of life is in comparison to the rest of the world. While we in the west look at things from a rational, material and individualistic perspective most of the world does not. Life for most people on the planet is about family, kinship, reciprocity and stopping to smell the roses. While we're busy making money and hiding away in our homes most people on earth are busy taking care of others, finding meaning and being relational. Time for us westerners is a precious commodity that dare not be wasted; everyone else sees time as the place where life happens. Life for most is all about the journey, whereas westerners live for the destination.

What I also realized is how much my worldview shapes the way I see things. I knew beforehand that we see life not for what it is, but for who we are; how deep that went was something I wasn't aware of. Case in point: one of my assignments was to interview a friend about any topic he chose to talk about. The aim was to find out as much about that topic in an unbiased way, but in the end I unknowingly had steered the conversation in a direction he hadn't originally intended. The topic stayed the same but the context of the conversation was different than what he planned to talk about. The whole experience has made me second guess my perspectives until I realized that what I knew about life wasn't necessarily wrong, it was just incomplete.

One of the suggested readings in the course was "The Naked Anthropologist"; this was a collection of humorous stories about an Anthropologist who experienced the hazards of adapting to new cultures. Here's an example of what not to do: don't give the OK sign to someone in South America. To them you have just given them the finger! I guess we all do naked anthropology; we're all stumbling through life trying to relate to a world we don't understand. It's easier to say that the world should be like we want it to be instead of appreciating our differences. I'm not saying that everything is relative, but that I've learned to ask more questions and not be so hasty to jump to conclusions. I hope it's a lesson I'll carry with me through the rest of my life.

Pregnant with possibility

2009-04-05T14:34:00.003-06:00

It's not official, but it looks like a done deal: Angel & I are going to be adoptive parents! Our last meeting with our assessment writer was on Thursday, when she told us that she would recommend us. The home assessment was the final hurtle in the application process, where we were asked tons of questions. They start off pretty typical like, "Why do you want to adopt?" but then things get more personal. Were you ever fired? Have you or anyone else in your home been assaulted? How satisfying is your sex life? Have you ever been treated for mental illness? The questions are, perhaps, intrusive but they want to get an idea of who you are, what your baggage is and how well you handled it. Once they let you leave the dark room with the bright light on your face the home assessment report is written, which won't be submitted until we get a chance to look at it and make any changes we feel are needed. Then it gets sent to the government for final approval. This will take 1-2 months so we won't get final confirmation back until mid-June at the latest. So I guess you can say this is like the time in between the home pregnancy test getting peed on, finding out you're positive, and the appointment with your family doctor...

So what happens next? Are you getting a baby? When do you expect to become parents? We get alot of these questions so it's just easier to post all the answers online. First off, I want a girl and Angel wants a boy, but it really doesn't matter either way. We want an older child that's in the age range between my younger brother's son and Angel's brother's daughter, which is about 5-8 years old. We've asked for either a Caucasian or Metis child, as we feel that this will minimize any physical differences and make us look like a more "normal" family. While we are open to a number certain emotional, cognitive and physical challenges our child may have we draw the line at certain points. We aren't able to care for a child with mobility issues because of our living space and we won't take a child with Fetal Alcohol Spectrum. I know it sounds terrible to say, and a part of me feels guilty for making these distinctions, but they encourage you to be honest with what you & your spouse think you can handle.

Every child in the foster care system will have some sort of "special needs", be it emotional, cognitive, psychological, physical or behavioral. Many of the children in the system have likely been exposed prenatally to alcohol, even if there's no formal diagnosis. There's no perfect child out there (whatever "perfect" means) and we've been told to expect some difficulties. There will be the stages of adjustment once we get a placement: the honeymoon, followed by a grieving process of anger, control, depression and ambivalence before accepting the new family dynamic. Oh, and this is something that parents and child will go through together. That's why it takes time to go through the application process, as they want to set up parents and children for success. Once we get a match there's an initial visit, followed by some group activities with the child and foster parents. Eventually you get to spend some time with just the child and finally the placement, where the child moves in. Six months to a year later the adoption is made legal and you officially become a family. So you have plenty of time to decide if this is what you want, and not just for the parents only. The child has to be a willing partner in all this too, or obviously the match will fail!

Placements are seamless and never around Christmas or the child's birthday. Instead they happen between school breaks like spring or summer time. So while we may get a match this year it's unlikely that a placement will happen until next year, at the earliest. This suits us fine, as we're still settling into the idea that we will some day become parents. It's an exciting time for us but scary also. You ask yourself if you'll be a good enough parent for a adopted child. I think of how our child will have to deal not only with the mistakes their biological parents made, but with the mistakes that I will make too. I have enough issues that I'm working out with God; how on earth will I help our child in theirs? As uncertain as I am about my parenting abilities I am grateful for the support that's out there, both from Family Services and, more importantly, our friends and family. We'll need all the help we can get as we work to give a good home to a child who may at this very moment, as I type this, be out there wishing for a mom and dad.

Maybe even praying it too.

Updates

2009-03-25T20:42:00.003-06:00

I've been rather busy lately and haven't had time to write any clever blog posts. Well, maybe they're not so clever... Anyhow I thought I'd bring my friends & family up to speed on what's been going on. The adoption application process is moving forward; we had our first interview with our home assessment writer yesterday, which lasted a couple of hours and was here in our home. She took a tour of our place and sketched out the floor plan (?) before diving into the interview. It was some basic questions about why we want to adopt, our family background, our experiences growing up, medical issues and so on. Some of the questions were on the personal side and we've been told beforehand that they'll keep coming. We meet with our assessment worker three times next week, after which she'll make a recommendation (yes or no to becoming adoptive parents). From there it goes to a committee which will make the final decision either in May or June. So, hopefully by then we will have some happy news. It's exciting but scary at the same time, so please remember us in your prayers.

The second piece of news is that next month I'm going down to Three Hills (which is in central Alberta) for my convocation at PBI. That's right, I'm graduating from Prairie Bible College. Well, not quite yet; you see, they have three grad dates (April, June and December) but only one grad ceremony. And since I'm going to be finished in December and they allow student with a few outstanding credits to graduate, I get to wear a funny hat and robe on the 25th of April. It all seems so surreal, and so sudden too since I found out by accident that I qualify to participate in commencement. I had called Prairie a few weeks ago with a question and casually asked if distance ed student have a grad and, well, the rest is history. I feel a sense of satisfaction and relief that the light's finally at the end of the tunnel, but that also means I have to pick up the pace and get my remaining courses done. It's easy to procrastinate when you're taking correspondence, and so I'm concentrating on finishing everything on time - which is why I've been so busy lately.

Finally, on a depressing note, the first day of spring arrived last Friday. It's depressing because it still looks and feels very much like winter. I'm sure my friends & family overseas as enjoying the blooming flowers while we're still shoveling. If Colin & Galya are reading this right now they may be tempted to e-mail a picture of whatever is growing on the base they're living at. I swear, if you guys do I'm mailing a freezer full of what's in my back yard straight to you...

Cultural Christians and Practical Atheists

2009-03-08T08:10:00.007-06:00

A few weeks ago I wrote a satirical post on how atheists can reach out to us poor, misguided believers. Well, a friend of mine decided to post my article on his Facebook notes page for his friends to read, which generated some feedback. I thought I'd let everyone have their say before responding to their views, but before that I want to toss out a few more thoughts on atheism. First, I was interested in what Richard Dawkins said in an article about being a "cultural Christian." Even though he's an atheist he still sings Christmas carols and doesn't have a problem with anything else cultural that Christianity had a hand in.

This just goes to show that "cultural Christians" are not much different from "practical atheists", who are the vast majority of people in western society. By practical atheists I mean people who believe in the existence of God, but that belief has no bearing on their everyday life. They may believe in God but they don't believe God. So Dawkin's view, where a world without the belief in God is a better world, is a fallacy. Second, atheists argue that you don't have to believe in God in order to have a purpose. I agree, because whether or not you follow Jesus God uses us all for His purposes. In the Bible God speaks of raising up Pharaoh for His purpose (Exodus 9:13-17) and calls Nebuchadnezzar the Babylonian king His servant (Jeremiah 25:8-12), even though they did not honor God. So Richard Dawkins is the servant of the Lord God Almighty, because he is proclaiming the name of Jesus to a world that is otherwise indifferent to God!

Now onto the responses to my last post. One person wrote that Dr. Dawkins & I were the same in that we both held to absolute truths and that truth was relative; if I believe in God then it works for me, just as atheism works for Richard Dawkins. There are a couple of problems with this view; first, the relativist is just as firm in his beliefs as anyone else. He is certain about his uncertainty and absolute about there being no absolutes. Second, truth is not necessarily truth just because it's practical. We have to define what it means when we say something "works." Dirt can work in satisfying my hunger but it won't keep me alive for long. Poisoned Cool-Aid may work to satisfy my thirst but it will kill me, just as it did with Jim Jones' followers. They were hungry and thirsty people but what they ingested spiritually, emotionally and physically was devastating. For them, or anyone else for that matter, Jim Jones did not "work." I can tell you that atheism doesn't "work" if you want peace of mind, because apparently atheists are stressed out.

Another person took exception to my comment about Christians who believe in evolution; that if you want to undermine a person's faith then you start with a "non-central" doctrine like creationism and attack it. I first want to make a clarification, and that is I firmly believe that we are created beings who were lovingly and deliberately made. Just because I don't take Genesis 1 literally doesn't mean that my faith is undermined. Having believed in a literal six-day creation model I eventually changed my view based on my study and understanding of scripture; this doesn't mean that I'm not open to changing it again. Does that mean I believe in theistic evolution? I'm not sure; there's a lot of unanswered questions and science has barely scratched the surface of human knowledge. To make a hard and fast statement that we evolved from microbes (whether God had a hand in it or not) is, to me, premature. On the other hand we have the fossil and geological record, and we know that micro-evolution takes place which explains the vast variety among all species. All truth is God's truth, whether it's found in the Bible or under a microscope. The bottom line is I'm uncertain about how we got here; I just know why.

The foundation of Christianity is not in what way we were created, but in the finished work of Christ; His death, burial and resurrection is the cornerstone of our faith, hope and love we have in God. We were made for His glory, but humanity fell away from it and ever since then God has been chasing after us, trying to save us from ourselves. By His gift of grace through faith, which we can't earn, we have both life before and after death. We can debate about all of this stuff til the cows come home, because no one can see all things clearly. But, as they say in philosophy, at some point the argument must end. And it will when one day every knee shall bow, believers, cultural Christians and practical atheists alike, and every tongue will confess that Jesus Christ is Lord. Even Richard Dawkins will do this. The question is, will he (and you, dear reader) confess it now before it's too late?

The Atheist's Guide to Converting Christians (and other delusionists)

2009-02-19T10:30:00.012-07:00

Richard Dawkins made the news again recently with the "Atheist bus" campaign he's thrown his support behind. If you haven't seen it while waiting for the #142 it reads "There's Probably No God. Now Stop Worrying and Enjoy Your Life." Very novel approach I'd say. I'm still mad that Dawkins' book "The God Delusion" didn't accomplish what it set out to do, which was to make me an atheist by the time I finished reading it. In fact I'm thinking of writting the good Professor and ask him for a refund. Instead I decided to compile my own literature on how to make me one of them (atheists I mean). This is an insider's perspective on how to undermine my faith, and some of these points are actual tricks of the trade that we zealous, narrow minded believers ply. So grab your note book and jot these tips down:

1). Stop arguing with us. I know I'll give an atheist a run for his money if he uses "reason" with me and that neither one of us will win. You'll never change anyone's mind with debate; in fact it only reinforces our own opinions. That's how Mormons and JWs keep their converts, by sending them out in white shirts, black ties and black pants and have them knock on people's doors. After all those doors get slammed in their faces they're all the more convinced that they're right and everyone's wrong. But if you want to keep your own, dress them like morons (not to be confused with Mormons) and get them to hand out atheist tracks on the street.

2). We get it; evolution is the process of less complex life forms changing into more complex life forms through natural selection, which took place over billions of years. We all went to school and took biology, so stop telling us this like we're stupid or that we've never heard it before. Some of us actually don't have a problem with evolution, especially considering that the Genesis 6-day creation account is actually an ancient form of poetry, which is lost on us modern readers. We just have a hard time believing it happened all by itself. So don't even go there.

3). Try studying the Bible instead of misquoting it. Maybe then we can have a conversation about it instead of going back to point #1. Your theology is terrible and no matter how much we explain to you that God is loving, you keep bring up the flood or whatever horrid example of why the God of the O.T. is the most unpleasant fellow in all of fiction. Maybe we wouldn't be so defensive if you tried that approach.

4). Be careful about picking your atheist poster-boys; they may not be who you think they are. We're learning our lesson with Swaggart, Baker and those other guys, so do some background checks. It turns out that Einstein wasn't an atheist; in fact it really pissed him off whenever he got lumped in with you guys.

5). We Christians have a saying: People don't care what you know until they know that you care. So instead of attacking our narrow way of thinking, get to know us. Ask us why we believe in a non-existent God. Maybe you'll clear up some of your misconceptions about us, like we actually enjoy our lives and don't go around feeling guilty about how evil we are. Make friends with us, drop casseroles off at our door, you know - random acts of kindness that bless us (oops, I forgot - there's no God to do the blessing so maybe that won't work). And you truly have to care about us. Don't fake it; we can spot a phony miles away.

6). Send in the Anthropologist to do a study on us first; that way you'll have a better understanding of our unique and very diverse culture. Get them to find out why we believe in God; they may find that many of us weren't simply indoctrinated from childhood. Again, understanding is the key to mutual trust and respect.

7). Be honest with us about why you are atheists. Some of you don't believe because you were mad at God for not protecting you from personal harm. That's my theory at least as to why Dawkins is an atheist; it's a classic case of transference. After all, who would say that being sexually abused as a child only embarrassed them? (I wish I was only kidding when I say that, but sadly it happened to him and that is exactly what Dawkins wrote in his book) So, deal with your emotional baggage first before trying to help us.

8). Offer us hope. Tell us how atheism can transform lives. Show us how we play a part in the grand story of nothing. We need to know that we're nothing less than behavioral machines and that we're not sinners. White wash us with psychology; after all we don't need that "washed in the blood" gore. We need to know that there's no God who can fill the atheist shaped holes in our hearts. You don't have to be atheism's lawyers, just its witnesses. The non-existence of God will reveal itself to us, so don't get uptight about doing the converting. It will happen if we open our hearts and disbelieve.

I can go on and on here, but try these out and see if you can get some more of us to "turn to the dark side" like TV's Greg House did. Good luck.

Oh, I thought of one more thing since I published this post...

9). You must believe there really is no God. Words like "probably" and "almost likely (there's no God)" just don't cut it. Either there is a God or there isn't. Don't confuse us like that...

25 Things about me...

2009-02-04T09:59:00.012-07:00

I got tagged on Facebook by a friend who filled out this 25 things thing that you’re supposed to pass onto 25 of your friends. After I publish this note and do the tagging I may have 25 fewer friends, but here goes…

1). It’s hard to believe, but Angel & I will be celebrating 18 years of marriage this spring. As much as we’ve driven each other nuts we are still deeply in love with each other. And if anything should happen to her (God forbid) I can’t picture myself with anyone else. Besides, I’m not sure who’d want me anyway.

2). I worship a good God, and His name is Jesus. Even though I’m constantly leaping from one crisis of faith to the next, some bigger than others, Jesus always jumps with me.

3). I live in what I would describe as a blue collar neighborhood. The people who live there don’t make a lot of money but many of them, like us, hold their heads up high and do the best they can with what little they have. We have good neighbors who welcomed us with open arms, and we don’t spend as much time getting to know them as we should.

4). Angel & I are applying to become adoptive parents. I have a 1% chance of getting my wife pregnant (or anyone else’s for that matter), so that’s a big reason why we’re getting an off the shelf model instead of making one from scratch. It scares the crap out of me as I don’t know if I’ll make for a good dad. I know Angel will make a great mom though.

5). I’ve been treated for Clinical Depression not once but twice in my life, both when I was a teenager and also a few years ago. It’s been called the common cold of mental health but I think of it more as a cancer of the soul that robs you of hope and joy. It’s in remission right now and I hope it stays that way. I’m relatively health right now because of my relationship with Jesus and the healing God has done through medication, counselling, taking care of my body, music and the love of my friends and family. If you’re reading this, chances are you were one of them. Thank you.

6). I didn’t tag you in this note, but if your name is Caroline Jane Etter chances are you’re reading this too, ‘cuz I know you’re a Facebook creeper. That goes for you too Dawn Baine. But that’s ok, creep away. It's all good :)

7). I was what’s called a lay pastor, someone who ministers to the church but has no paycheque to show for it, which is ok. I preached sermons, did counselling, led Bible studies, was on the church leadership team and even performed a marriage ceremony. Being a church leader brought me a lot of joy but also a lot of hurt, failures and disappointments. I’m taking a break from it now and while I know many people hope to see me get back in the saddle again it’s a sensitive topic for me. But I’ve learned never to say never, especially to God.

8). I have eight credits left and then I've earned my degree from Prairie Bible College; 2 full courses and a couple of 1-credit courses and I'm finally done. I’ve been told that people are going to throw a party to celebrate my graduation; in lieu of presents please give me cash to help pay off my $30,000 in student loans.

9). I love to laugh, and I also love to make people laugh. Shows like “Who’s Line Is It Anyway?” and cartoon strips like Calvin & Hobbes and the Far Side (May they all rest in peace) are classics they don’t make anymore. The funny thing about making people laugh is that I can’t do it on purpose; it just comes to me naturally. If I have to think about it the joke always falls flat.

10). I’m an introvert at heart, which surprises people as I appear to be so outgoing. I’m actually afraid of people at times, but I’m also very relational. Friendship and family are very important to me, as they all breathe life into me. I’m a very loyal friend and it takes a lot to break that kind of friendship. That being said I do loose friends occasionally; I’ve recently lost contact with someone who I considered to be a good friend, and I miss her terribly. But when you send birthday & Christmas cards, e-mails, etc. and don’t get a reply it’s hard to say that you’re on their radar map.

11). Every church has its members who are a little weird. You know, the annoying lady with the tambourine that sits behind you, the guy who’s always sprawled on the floor shaking under the power of God, the woman who always says “Praise God!” when you tell her your life’s crappy, or the guy who’s always blubbering during the service. I’m the last one.

12). I come from an abnormal family. We actually get along and like being with each other. While from time to time there's friction between members there’s also a bond that keeps us together. We celebrate birthdays and Christmases together and have traditions like an annual supper and bingo; last year we went camping together for a weekend and it was so much fun. We’ll have to try and do something like that again soon.

13). I consider myself to be a boring person, and not very interesting. I don’t have any hobbies but I do have interests like swimming, reading, going for walks, camping, Muskrats and anything Angel makes for me to eat. Except Muskrat.

14). I have the best job in the world. I work with people with disabilities. After high school I took a year of Bible College and when I came home I was planning on attending university. I needed a job to save up for tuition and I replied to an ad in the paper for live in caregivers. I became a personal care attendant, eventually took disability studies at Grant MacEwan College here in Edmonton and worked for many years in many different group homes. Now I drive the accessible buses for the association I work for, and it’s been the most rewarding job I’ve ever had in my life.

15). I know who shot JFK but I don’t know who shot JR. Nor do I care.

16). I’m Danish and I’m proud of it. Well, aside from the fact that the Danes invented the sex change operation (a very unhealthy procedure which was highlighted on a CBC documentary I watched) and that they single-handedly offended over 1 billion Muslims with a single cartoon. I’ve been to Denmark 4 times now and hope to go back a few more in my lifetime. With the exception of an uncle, aunt and three cousins here in Canada all of my extended family is there (oh, and I have an aunt and some cousins in Norway I haven't seen since I was 5 years old). It’s a beautiful country. Go visit it sometime. And no, Denmark is not the same as Holland, and my name is not Dutch. I hate it when people always ask me that.

17). Aside from traveling to Denmark I’ve been to Sweden, Norway, Holland, Germany and more recently the UK. I’d like to go to Columbia and Lithuania as I have friends who do missions work in both countries. A friend of mine taught English in Japan for 2 years and another one moved to New Zealand recently, so I consider myself to be very cosmopolitan.

18). Autumn is my favourite time of year. It’s still nice out, the fall colors are beautiful and for some reason my mood picks up and I sleep better. Maybe it’s because I’ve associated the season with new beginnings; that and my inner child looks forward to Halloween and Christmas.

19). I love the color red. The car I drive is red, I had 2 other cars that were red and I love red dresses on pretty girls. Angel says I can read the menu but I can’t order anything. She also said my next car will not be red.

20). We need a van if we're going to start a family, and so the next car I want is a Mazda 5 mini van. It’s a true mini-van, not like those monsters on wheels that claim to be. Besides, the Mazda 5 is way cool. I just have to talk Angel into letting me buy one. I promise honey, it won’t be red.

21). I’m looking forward to turning 40 next year. Aging doesn’t bother me anymore; in fact I love looking at those lines I’m getting on my face (they look manly to me). I also feel younger today than I did 10 years ago, and that I’m living the 20-something life I never got to live when I actually was 20-something. And I’m getting my mid-life crisis over with before I turn 40 so I don’t look like an ass.

22). I wouldn't call myself a social activist but I would say I'm socially active. I believe in taking care of the poor, the disadvantaged and the environment. The Bible says that the way we treat others is the way we treat God (Mathew 25:34-40), and so I'd say that's a big part of who I am.

23). I desperately want a dog. Not a big one as we live in a townhouse, but not one of those small, annoying yappy dogs. The problem is that I don’t have the time to take care of a high maintenance pet. That’s why we have cats.

24). I have a blog. It’s www.thehblog.com and if you aren’t already sick of learning about who I am there’s plenty more to read about me there. If you’re reading this on my blog, don’t bother clicking on the link. And I’m always surprised about who reads it, like total strangers living in places like the UK, the U.S. and Australia. Actually I’m surprised that anyone reads it.

25). I hate chain letters; especially those that say pass this on to 25 of your friends. So for the love of God don’t feel like you have to write 25 things about yourself and pass it on.

Family

2009-01-30T08:56:00.005-07:00

I can't believe it's the end of January already. It seems like yesterday when we started into the new year, along with the adoption orientation sessions Angel & I enrolled in. We had to take 24 hours worth of classes; each class was three hours, two nights per week for four weeks. With early starts to our work day, dashing home to make a quick supper then out the door again to attend orientation made for long days. What also made it challenging (a word I use mildly) was the information we learned; as we are doing our adoption through Alberta Children and Youth Services we're dealing with kids in the foster care system. They're all there for a reason, and those reasons aren't positive ones. This is a pool of children who have been abused, neglected, abandoned or simply given to the government because the parent(s) aren't able to take care of them. All of them come with special needs, whether they be mental, emotional, developmental, physical, you name it.

I have to admit that I felt like I was way in over my head. Our instructors told us this was normal, and that they would be worried if we had a "bring it on" attitude. But I suspect that I was a bit of a different case. I'm already dealing with a crisis of faith, as I'm sorting through the question of God's involvement in my life. I feel like I've failed in so many ways, and here I am planning on becoming a father to a child who will have to deal not only the mistakes of his/her biological parents but mine as well! These thoughts would go through my head after each class, and the more I learned about the issues the more anxiety I felt. Unfortunately Angel has been the brunt of a lot of my emotions, as I've been pretty crabby with her this month. She's done nothing to deserve the anger I've shown her; she just was there and I feel bad for how I've taken things out on her. She knows this and she still loves me, for which I'm grateful for and blessed by.

There is an upside to all this though. The last two sessions were probably the most positive for me, as they talked about how adoption breaks the cycle of family dysfunction, the stages of adjustment and the supports that are in place for adoptive families. The Alberta government made changes to the system so that the same resources that foster parents are given now carry over to adoptive parents, which wasn't the case up until a few years ago. This means we would get income support, respite care, access to professionals like counselors, therapists, tutors; whatever the needs of the child are it's made available. They made these changes because the needs of these children are still there and just don't vanish after they go to their "forever family." So while I'm still feeling a little scared I'm also feeling some excitement, knowing that there's a child out there who will be given the chance to break the cycle of family breakdown by being adopted... by us even. Overall the classes were a good experience. The instructors were all aces and we had the pleasure of meeting some wonderful people who were in the same boat as us.

Last weekend we celebrated a couple of birthdays in our family. My niece Rayleen is now 18, a pretty special birthday for a pretty young woman to be sure. Palle, my eldest brother, will be 52 and this was a special birthday for him as well. This fall he ships out to Afghanistan for a tour of duty as Canadian Forces military policeman, and won't be home for Christmas this year or his birthday next year. So the family went to the pool and had a blast splashing around, playing water volley ball, and as we all sat in the hot tub after I thought how good it was to be with everyone. The Bible says that God puts the lonely in families (Psalm 68:5-6) and in the downtimes I've been so grateful for the sense of belonging I have with mine. Somewhere out there there's a child who is lonely and needs a family and I'm glad for the support mine has shown in the adoption process, especially my brother Niels & his wife Janice. Knowing that child will have a place in ours someday keeps my perspective in balance, that while there will be tough times there'll also be blessing for us as a family. Our family is there for each other, and they will be there too for whoever becomes our child.

Yes, we can

2009-01-20T11:02:00.004-07:00

So, where were you when history was being made? If you're a baby boomer you'll probably remember where you were when JFK was shot, or when man landed on the moon. We may recall where we were when the Berlin Wall came down, or the twin towers on 9/11. So where were you when history was being made today? For me this was another work day, but for someone else it was the start of his new job. I was sitting in my bus, parked in the Lube Oil bay getting the oil changed when Barack Obama was being sworn in as the 44th president of the United States of America. It was a stirring moment for millions of people, maybe even billions. But what touched me the most was when Rick Warren was asked to pray before the ceremony began. If you don't know who Rick Warren is, he's the pastor of Saddleback Church in Orange County California, and the author of the best seller The Purpose Driven Life. Pastor Warren prayed a powerful prayer of thanksgiving, repentance and blessing on behalf of the nation. I was almost moved to tears as I was sitting there getting the oil changed, and I'm sure if the guys working there saw the look on my face they would have wondered what was wrong with this guy... But it was a reminder to me that not only does the U.S. and the world need a fresh start politically and socially, but also spiritually. As much as President Obama (who is a Christian) inspires many, myself included, I know that only Jesus can bring true and lasting hope to the world. And I think the new President believes this too, that when we realize that "I can do all things through Him (Christ) who strengthens me" (Philippians 4:13) that we can all say, "Yes, we can" when we face the challenges of the 21st century.

Random extistential thoughts

2009-01-17T08:18:00.003-07:00

This is an entry I wrote in a journal I did for my philosophy course that I recently finished, and I thought it would be fun to post it & see how many people go, "Huh?" Enjoy.

One of the things I take for granted, and yet marvel at when I don’t, is the simple fact that I exist. There’s times where I stop and ponder my own self awareness and think how incredible it is. I am me, and I know I’m me. I’m not someone else, and I live in a world where other self aware people live. But what’s it like to be someone else, and how do others perceive me? Am I really the only one who exists, while everyone else around me is some sort of simulation or projection of my imagination? I was talking with someone about this years ago and she told me that these questions are psychological in nature. Apparently there’s a part of us that thinks we are the only thing that’s real and everything else is not. Talk about your ego!

So how do I know that others exist and that I’m not alone in the universe? How do I know that the world exists? I was listening to a radio program where that very question was put to a philosopher, and I was really struck by his answer. “I know the world exists because the world is constantly telling me so. When I stub my toe the world is telling me it’s there.” So I guess he was saying that our sensory inputs tell us there’s more out there than just us. So what about people? I guess they’re real too because they behave in much the same way I do. The fact that people may also have different opinions and interests tells me that they’re not a part of my imagination. If they were the world would be in my image, and let me tell you the world would look very different if I had my way with it.

Ok, so I know that people aren’t just a projection of my own psyche. But I have to confess something that I have never said to anyone. Sometimes I wonder if I’m in a simulation where I’m being tested under varying conditions, and at the end of my life I wake up somewhere else. The simulation of my life was in fact training for my real existence. Weird, huh? It’s like something out of the Matrix movies, or an episode of Star Trek where, after people who were trapped on the holodeck were freed, asked themselves if they were some simulation in someone else’s holodeck. But after thinking about this from a biblical perspective, I think I may not be far off. We see in scripture that this life is temporal, and that what we do here and now will have consequences on how we live out our lives in eternity. I imagine that when we’re with Jesus we’ll look back at the life we lived here and see how shallow and unreal it was compared to heaven. Maybe then my understanding of existence will be so much bigger than it is now, and that I’ll fully understand what Paul was talking about in Acts when he said, “In Him we live and move, and have our being.”

The weather outside is frightful...

2009-01-03T17:32:00.004-07:00

I'm sitting here in front of my laptop, enjoying a cup of Twinings tea brought to me courtesy of the Colin & Halyna Forbes British Export company (we so love and miss you guys), while it's -30c outside. The temperature in our living room is not quite where it should be; right now it's 18c and the furnace is running like mad to bring it up to a comfortable 21c. It was worse this morning, with a living room temperature of 16c and the back yard at -35c, and that was without the wind. What I'm trying to say here is that in the words of my dear niece Karlene, "Global Warming is a lie!" The king of Siam from that Gilbert & Sullivan production would have added that it was a false lie. Well, ok; while I'm sure there are polar bear drowning in the arctic right this very moment (sad as it is) if they came to Edmonton they would find it much more hospitable than the North Pole. We actually were colder here than at the North Pole one day this week, and while Santa & his elves were donning life vests we here were hunkering down in the cold. This was exactly what Angel & I did today.

I actually don't mind being weather bound indoors, at least for short periods of time. It feels cozy inside, and you get to do stuff you normally don't have time for because you're so busy with running errands or whatever. We slept in, had a lovely breakfast of bacon, eggs & toast (I wanted pancakes but Angel vetoed that idea) and then played with our new Wii that we bought on New Year's Day. We had some money saved and had talked about getting one, as Angel enjoys playing the Wii with our niece Kaylista at her dad's house. I just loved the idea of playing video games with Angel, as she wasn't keen on them to begin with. We bowled and played baseball, brought to us by this marvelous little white box wired to our TV, and then Angel played a few rounds of golf. It was marvelous to me to say the least, as I so wanted to have fun with Angel in such a juvenile fashion...

Alas, our indoor bliss came to an end in mid afternoon as we had to venture out and stock up on supplies before whatever storm hits us next. We had planned on doing this for tomorrow, but with church, a trip to the pool for some much needed hot-tubbing, Angel's lab appointment and home group in the evening we felt that we were cramming too much into a day that is forecast for -14c. So we let the car run for a bit, hit Costco and made it home in record time. Why it was such a big deal to go out today may sound strange considering all the running around we did in the last few days. It was freezing when we did New Year's supper and fireworks with friends in the early evening, and it was even colder when we rang in the New Year at our Pastor's acreage (it's been a tradition where the whole church is invited for an evening of broomball on the pond, followed by food, games and the countdown to midnight) It was just as cold the next day when we went to my brother's place to celebrate New Year's Day. This is another tradition, where every January 1st the family gathers together, along with all our in-laws, for more food, games, tobogganing and good fellowship. I guess we just about ran out of patience with Mother Nature today, that's all.

So, as we settle in for the evening we have nothing planned, other than a movie in the toasty warm basement. Wrapped in a blanket, sipping hot drinks and not budging one inch out of the house, life doesn't get much better. Sure, the weather outside is frightful, but the basement is so delightful. And it could be worse. Our friends Nathan & Dawn, who are doing missions work in Lithuania, have to put up with winter living in an ocean port city. The humidity makes it feel colder, plus everyone is at the mercy of the city which provides the heat for every home and building. I mention them because it's their futon (which they sold to us before leaving Canada) that we're curled up on. But I'm sure that they have warm hearts as we do when we think of each other. We love and miss them too. It's friends both far and near that make life just a little more bearable when things are otherwise miserable. No, today was a happy day for Hendrick - and all because of the lousy weather.

(If you'd like to see the pictures of our New Year's revelries, click here)

2009: A year of hope?

2008-12-31T12:10:00.008-07:00

Well, this is it. Another year is gone, and for many people it couldn't have come to an end any sooner. As I think back on 2008 I can see that not only was it a challenging year for me personally, but also for the world. My issues are petty compared to what's happening in Canada and around the globe. Whether it's war, food scarcity, our political systems or the environment we have a lot of problems to tackle. 2009 may be a better year; a new, young, charismatic President Barack Obama is set to take office and a lot of people are pinning their hopes on this one man. Personally I wouldn't want to be in his shoes considering the larger than life image that he has. But I think it was his message of change and hope that resonated with America and the world, and in these tough times we could all use a little hope. Maybe I'll pick up Obama's book, The Audacity of Hope, to find a little inspiration.

It's hope that keeps our spirits alive when we go through trials, and as much as people can inspire us to have hope I'm reminded that Jesus is the only one who can give it to us. In spite of my own doubts about how much God is involved in the affairs of humanity, I know that I have no one else to turn to. I can think back to all the times when I wondered where God was when this or that happened, but I also remember the times where I could clearly see His hand on my life and my circumstances. When I read The Shack I was challenged by the two questions posed in the book: "Is God good?" and "Is God involved?" The two go together like a pair of legs; you need both if you're going to stand, let alone walk by faith. In 2008 I realized that I've been hobbling around on one leg, and maybe in 2009 I'll learn to use both of them. In the meantime all I can do is be joyful, thankful and prayerful in all my circumstances (1 Thessalonians 5:13) as I enter the New Year. I want to end this post with a video of Cliff Richard's Millennium Prayer, which was very controversial when the song came out (well, it was controversial to secularists) but powerfully captures the thoughts and images of our challenges and hope. May it be my prayer and yours as well. Jesus, may your kingdom come in 2009. Amen.

I want to believe

2008-12-28T18:25:00.005-07:00

I want to believe. I want to be proven wrong when I don't believe. I want to be able to say that the things that God declares for us all have happened to me. That's pretty much the response I had this morning when I was in church, listening to the New Year's message. The last Sunday of each year Greg, my friend, mentor and pastor, preaches the New Year's sermon. It's usually one of challenge and encouragement; this year Greg contrasted the differences between two Bible characters, one (King Joash of Israel) who half-heartedly embraced the promises of God and another (Johnathan, son of Saul who was Israel's first king) who embraced them without reservation. Both were faced with enemies that God promised to defeat on Israel's behalf, but only one saw the nation delivered. The application for us today is that whatever God has destined for us, whether it's a calling or a victory over sin, He is there to deliver.

Looking back at this past year I've seen both blessing and disappointment, but I have to be honest here and say that it's the disappointment and loss I feel the most. I'm disappointed in so many areas of my life; spiritually, relationally, academically, paternally and vocationally. I feel like I'm at a dead end in just about every possible way. The only thing I see moving is our decision to become adoptive parents. Sure, I would have loved to have been granted a miracle and father a child with Angel. But after 17 years I have given up all hope of that, and draw comfort in knowing that just as I hurt over not having my own son or daughter that somewhere out there a child will become ours - one that hurts over not having a mom & dad. It just drives me nuts how sometimes we have to go through so much pain in order to come around to a place of blessing. I guess that's where Romans 8:28 comes in, where "we know that in all things God works for the good of those who love Him, who have been called according to His purposes."

I've seen bad situations unfold in my life where everything turned out better that I hoped for, like when we were looking for a home to buy two years ago when the housing market was so tight. Another example was back in the early 90s when I lost my job, but then through a job retraining program I got to enroll in disability studies (something I really wanted to take but didn't have the money) at Grant MacEwan College. I want to be able to say that once again God came through, but honestly I'm in a place of total unbelief. But as I said at the start of this post, I so want to be proven wrong. I want to confidently say that I can do all things through Christ who gives me strength.

I want to believe.

It's always winter, but never Christmas

2008-12-24T12:28:00.003-07:00

I have to confess that my Christmas has had a lot of ups and downs. There have been moments of enjoyment but I honestly can't say that I've been enjoying the Christmas season this year. I'm feeling like I'm lost and uncertain about the next year ahead of me. One thing that has blessed me this month is a song on Relient K's Christmas album, which was also part of the soundtrack for the first Narnia film that came out a few years ago. Music has a way of helping me express how I'm feeling, especially when I don't understand why I feel the way I do sometimes. I hope it touches your heart like it has mine. Merry Christmas.

(For those who are reading this on Facebook you can click here to see the music video)

It's always nice to look out the window
And see those very first few flakes of snow
And later on we can go outside
And create the impression of an angel that just fell from the sky

When February rolls around I'll roll my eyes
Turn a cold shoulder to these even colder skies
And by the fire my heart it heaves a sigh
For the green grass waiting on the other side

It's always winter, but never Christmas
It seems this curse just can't be lifted
Yet in the midst of all this ice and snow
Our hearts stay warm 'cause they are filled with hope

It'd be so nice to look out the window
And see the leaves on the trees begin to show
The birds would congregate and sing
A song of birth a song of newer things

The wind would calm and the sun would shine
I'd go outside and I'd squint my eyes
But for now I would simply just withdraw
Sit here and wish for this world to thaw

It's always winter, but never Christmas
It seems this curse just can't be lifted
Yet in the midst of all this ice and snow
Our hearts stay warm 'cause they are filled with hope

And everything it changed overnight
This dying world you brought it back to life
And deep inside I felt things
Shifting everything's all melting away
And you gave us the most beautiful of days

'Cause when it's always winter but never Christmas
Sometimes it feels like you're not with us
But deep inside our hearts we know
That you are here and we will not loose hope

"In Like a Lion"
Relient K

Random Christmas memories

2008-12-20T23:25:00.005-07:00

"When did you stop believing in Santa?" Angel asked. We had watched "The Polar Express" last night (one of my all-time favorite Christmas movies); I had to think hard about when I stopped believing in Santa, and I think it was when I was five. It might have had something to do with Santa visiting our house on Christmas Eve; he came down the stairs and not the chimney for one thing. Another thing was that Santa was wearing my dad's red housecoat, and that he was wearing his glasses too. Anyhow Santa left his toys and went out the door (not the chimney) and after he left I ran outside to see if I could see him fly off into the starry night. I'm told that afterwards I was playing with my toys and then stopped for a moment. After a minute of silence I apparently said, "It was Dad! Dad was dressed like Santa!" I don't think I was disappointed though, as I recall getting the idea that Santa was just pretend. It got me thinking of other Christmas memories.

My childhood Christmas memories have much to do with the Danish community that my family was a part of. I remember the Sunday school Christmas parties in the basement of the church, where all the kids would get a bag of candy and a Mandarin orange. I never liked the orange though, which is funny because I love them now. I also remember these Christmas gathering at the Scandinavian Center in Edmonton, which had burned down many years ago and was never rebuilt. Each kid got a present from under the tree, and I remember one year getting a Nerf biplane which I really liked. And there was the Christmas Eve services held at the church, which were actually late in the afternoon so that everyone could have their Christmas dinner. To this day they still bring in a live tree, decorated with white lights which are lit while the rest of the church was dark. Afterwards it was off to my parent's place for a turkey dinner with almond rice pudding for dessert, followed by visiting, going for a walk, caroling, gift openings and a late night tea & coffee with all kinds of cookies, cake and other sweets.

I get teased about this Christmas memory, but I would have this recurring dream when I was a kid. In my dream I'm all alone in the house on Christmas Eve. It's a very bright and starry night, and the lights are off on the house except for the tree and some candles. But actually I'm not alone. Someone else is there, sharing Christmas with me. A very well known public figure to be exact; well, at least he was during the 70s and 80s. The man is none other than - wait for it - Pierre Elliot Trudeau, the then Prime Minister of Canada. Yup, me and Pierre were chill'n out on December 24th. We never said anything to each other; we just sat in the glow of the dim lights and looked at each other. To this day I'm still asked if I have that same dream at this time of year. I have to be honest here and say... No!

Living in a global village of idiots

2008-12-05T12:20:00.003-07:00

Recently I watched the NFB animated short version of Village of Idiots, based on a Jewish folktale. It’s a very amusing and existential story centered around a fellow named Shmendrik, whose whole view and experience of the world centers around his village called Chelm. Chelm was called the “village of idiots” by outsiders, but the Rabbi said they were a village of geniuses. Shmendrik isn’t so convinced of Chelm wisdom and he leaves for Warsaw, hoping to grow in knowledge. However on the way to Warsaw Shmendrik gets confused about the direction he’s traveling and, walking back the way he came, comes across a village just like Chelm! Everything and everyone was exactly like the first Chelm, including a house and family just like his old one – minus another Shmendrik. So, Shmendrik moves in and becomes the father and husband to this identical family. Shmendrik believes this is all the hand of God, but worries the other Shmendrik will return. But Shmendrik theorizes that the other Shmendrik is living with his wife and children (the adulterous dog, may he contract the Tzar’s disease), so he need not worry. But why not go back to the old Chelm? Good question! The Talmud teaches that the world is the same everywhere you go. Maybe the world is one big Chelm! Everywhere you go, it’s all the same place. So, practically, it’s no use to go back to where you already are.

So how do we know that the world around us is real, or a copy of something else? A lot of our perspective comes from our limited experiences, so we see the world not for what it is but for who we are. Having lived all our lives in Chelm, we need to expand our horizons, encounter new things (like going to Warsaw) but we just can’t seem to get there. We walk around as in a dream, just like Shmendrik did when he came to the “second” Chelm, unable to comprehend what we see. What we believe keeps us from accepting what our senses tell us is real. The old adage “If it walks like a duck and quacks like a duck then it must be a duck!” just doesn’t seem to apply. We may refer to our religion, believing that the hand (or maybe the elbow as Shmendrik ponders) of God is in all this. After all, the Talmud tells us that the world is all the same. Why wouldn’t the world be one big Chelm? We may use reason to answer our questions, like where is the other Shmendrik? Well, reason tells us that the adulterous dog is in the other Chelm! But our reasoning is still based on who we are, and if we’re honest we will admit we all live in a global village of idiots. It’s hard for us to think outside of the box and realize that the world is more than we just know. So we prefer to be practical instead; if it works fine for us then life as we know it must be real. But we have no other Chelm to go to and see if life works for the other Shmendrik, who has somehow vanished! We also have no reason to go find the other Chelm, because life in this Chelm works just fine. So, cow for cow, tree for tree and house for house we see that the world is all the same. If only before falling asleep by the road we had put both our boots in the direction of where we were going, instead of pointing one to where we came and the other where we’re headed, we’d make it to the big city and find the knowledge we’re looking for. In the end we’re just not skeptical enough of our own wisdom…

Where is the "BC"?

2008-11-27T20:42:00.006-07:00

I got this story a few years ago from a friend who passed it along to me by e-mail. I laughed so hard when I read it and I thought I'd post it, considering that my life is VERY dull these days and I have nothing better to write about...

There was a nice lady, a minister's widow, who was a little old fashioned. She was planning a week's vacation in Skylake Yosemite campground (Bass Lake, to the uninitiated), but she wanted to make sure of the accommodations first. Uppermost in her mind were the bathroom facilities, but she couldn't bring herself to write "toilet" in her letter. After considerable deliberation she settled on "bathroom commode", but when she wrote that down it still sounded too forward. So, after the first page she refered to the bathroom commode as "BC". "Does the cabin where I will be staying have its own BC? If not, where is the BC located?" is what she wrote.

The campground owner took the first page of the letter and the lady's cheque and gave it to his secretary. He put the remainder of the letter on the desk of the senior member of his staff without noticing that the staffer would have no way of knowing what "BC" meant. Then the owner went off to run some errands.

The staff member cam in after lunch, found the letter, and was baffled by the euphemism. So he showed it around to several counselors, but they couldn't decipher it either. The staff member's wife, who knew that the lady was the widow of a famous Baptist preacher, was sure that it must be a question about the local Baptist church. "Of course," the first staffer exclaimed, "'BC' stands for 'Baptist church," and sat down to write the following:

Dear Madam,

I regret very much the delay in answering your letter, but now I take pleasure in informing you that the BC is located nine miles north of the campground and is capable of seating 250 people at one time. I admit it is quite a distance if you are in the habit of going regularly, but no doubt you will be pleased to know that a great number of people take their lunches along and make a day of it. They usually arrive early and stay late. It is such a beautiful facility and the acoustics are marvelous. Even the normal delivery sounds can be heard.

The last time my wife and I went was six years ago, and it was so crowded that we had to stand up the whole time we were there. It may interest you know that right now there is a supper planned to raise money to buy more seats, which will be held in the basement of the "BC".

I would like to say that it pains me very much not to be able to go more regularly, but it is surely no lack of desire on my part. As we grow older it seems to be more of an effort, especially in cold weather. If you decide to come down to our campground perhaps I could go with you the first time, sit with you, and introduce you to all the folks. After all, this is a friendly community.

Remember

2008-11-11T14:40:00.003-07:00

When I was growing up I thought that war was something that happened a long time ago. In school we would read about it in our history textbooks, or have veterans from WW II come and speak to our class about what it was like to be in a war. My dad was a small boy when the Germans occupied Denmark then, and he even had stories to tell. I never grew up in a war. I did however grow up with the threat of war hanging over us; 20 years ago was the height of the Cold War, with the potential to blow ourselves up 10 times over with nuclear weapons. Then the Berlin wall came down, the Soviet Union collapsed, and it seemed like war was becoming an even more remote and distant memory.

My how times have changed. Maybe things never did change. Maybe the world is still as hostile as it ever was. One thing is for sure, and that is war has once again touched our nation's psyche. Our involvement in Afghanistan has shaped our country's image of itself - that we are no longer known as peacekeepers (much to the dismay of many). But ask any soldier and they will tell you that they are not just peacekeepers. They are first and foremost soldiers, and there is very little peace to keep these days.

This sad reality came home to me last Sunday. A young man from our church came home from a tour of duty in Afghanistan, and shared with the congregation some of his experiences as a part of our Remembrance Day service. I could tell it wasn't easy for him to tell his story; one time he and his fellow soldiers were ambushed in an alley by insurgents. A medic from Calgary was killed, his Sargent was wounded and bullets were whizzing by his head by an inch - literally. They were eventually extracted from the alley by reinforcements, but before then he was convinced that he was going to die. It was a very sobering tale for me, and no doubt for everyone else there. The fact that a good friend of mine and my oldest brother are both army reservists, who want to serve in Afghanistan, brings it home all the closer to me.

I believe that the Bible teaches personal passifisim - that if someone wrongs us we should not retaliate (Mathew 5:38-42). But God has also established the authority of governments and nations, with police and military forces to carry out justice and maintain social order (Romans 13:1-7). And while God allows wars to happen (which is in itself a huge topic that I won't go into here) there will come a time when all war shall cease and Christ will reign over the earth, bringing peace to the nations (Isaiah 2:1-4). Until then, we live in a brutal world where brutal things must happen for the greater good. There are things worth fighting for and even dying for, and that's why we honor our men and women in uniform. Today we remember those who fought and died for a greater good. And while we remember we pray for the day where "they will beat their swords into plowshares and their spears into pruning hooks."

Home

2008-11-02T19:12:00.004-07:00

It came quite suddenly to the both of us almost two weeks ago. It was that "we would know that we know that we know" moment someone had prayed over us in Kinship, almost two months ago. One day last week Angel & I just looked at each other and said, "We need to go home - to Calvary."

And that's what we did.

I think that it was building in us for a while before a few things happened. I had met with Greg recently, and it was so good to catch up with him. I missed our get-togethers where we would talk, share, pray and bounce our wacky sense of humor off each other. There was also the phone call from a man in our church who wanted to take me out for coffee, as he hadn't seen us around for a while. And then there was the e-mail invite to a wedding shower for Calvary's new youth pastor and his fiancée. It was a few days before the shower that we had our epiphany, so we decided to go there and break the news. What better way to reintegrate than at a party? When we arrived we felt a bit of apprehension (after all these were people we hadn't seen in two months) but also a sense of anticipation. Most of the people there regarded our presence with an "Oh, we haven't seen you in a while, catch you later" kind of welcome, which is ok. But with those we're better acquainted with, it was like a homecoming. And the news of our permanent return made them all the happier, which was a real blessing to us.

Yet we had one more Sunday at Harvest to attend, as we wanted to say goodbye to those we had started to build relationships with. It was funny how I felt a little sad about leaving; after all we were only there for eight weeks. And yet as Harry, our Kinship leader, said, "We're all one body in Christ." Wherever God's people come together, His love and power is present through each one. Looking back at our time at Harvest Vineyard I can say for myself that there was a healing that took place, but it happened more by osmosis rather than direct ministry by others. Come to think of it, there was direct ministry - but it was more by relationships than by asking for prayer or getting counsel from others. The way we were welcomed and loved by those we connected with made us feel valued, and that maybe we do have a place in God's kingdom. Just being there all those Sundays charged my spiritual batteries, and in every service I felt this one thing come to me: you are a shepherd; feed my sheep.

Now that's a bit of a paraphrase, as I'm reluctant to insert the "P" word in there. A boldness had been building during those weeks, that maybe my path isn't as cloudy as I think it is. Maybe it's time to get back on the horse. And yet falling off the horse hurts, and I don't want to get hurt - again. I'm afraid that if I do follow my heart I'll find disappointment again. I feel vulnerable, and I don't want to be vulnerable. I want to live a normal life! But I know that if I bury this sense of calling I become lost, and feel like I'm short-changing myself. I feel like God is pursuing me so that I pursue Him and His purpose for me. This pursuit was even more evident this morning, our first Sunday back at Calvary. The sermon was on spiritual parenting, and how we shouldn't neglect the gifts we have been given so that we can disciple others. And as I stood with the rest of the church, singing worship songs to God and each other, I looked around at all the familiar (and unfamiliar) faces who need shepherding. Maybe we are back so that I can get back on that horse again.

Maybe. But for now we're simply settling back into our church home. As surreal and uncertain it was for me this morning, it's good to be home.

Life

2008-10-16T10:35:00.003-06:00

As I thought of what I wanted to write today I was reminded of the words of a song done by Third Day. It's called "Give" and the song goes like this: You said all that follow you may find comfort and strength, blessings in hard times. All I want is love, I confess to this. I will take it Lord, all you have to give. It seems fitting to describe the Christian life in this way, this mix of sorrow and blessing. Lately I've had a dose of both. On the one hand I'm feeling a bit forgotten. Since our departure from Calvary we have heard from very few people, and in spite of letting our (former?) church family that we would love to get an e-mail or phone call (I'd even settle for a poke on Facebook!) it seems that we have fallen off the face of the earth. It kinda sucks, especially since I had high profile involvement with the church and was involved with a lot of people's lives. To add to matters I haven't heard from a certain friend in some time, having sent not one but two e-mails to say hi, how's it going, etc. I know people are busy, but you'd think that friendship is important enough to us to make the effort.

Now on the other hand I thank God for the people in my life who do make the time for me & Angel. We've been forging a relationship with a couple over the last year (the wife & I were co-workers) and there's a high level of intentionality with these guys. From little things like "writing on your wall" (that's one of the ways one connects with others on Facebook) to big things like being invited over for supper, the message we get is clear: you matter to us, and we like hanging out with you. And just this morning our friends Nathan & Dawn in Lithuania e-mailed us to say that they got our Christmas gift in the mail. We sent it early because of the notoriously inefficient postal service there (last year's gift arrived in February), and Nathan & Dawn show no pretense when it comes to their love and appreciation for us. Relationships like those make us rich with friendship.

Yet some people spend their whole lives protect themselves by keeping their emotions to themselves. This is the case for a dear friend of mine who has been a spiritual mom to me. She has Cancer, and I found out just yesterday that the surgery was not successful in removing all the tumors. Basically this means she is dying. So we spent a half hour on the phone, talking about life and death. I asked to be one of her pallbearers, which she replied "Of course you can!" She had so much to say and I was more than happy to use all those listening and counseling skills I've acquired over the years. She finally saw that without letting people into her life she had shriveled up on the inside. But it was at the end of the phone call, when I told her I love you (and she said likewise), that it hit me emotionally. When I hung up I began to cry, and I was so glad Angel was there to hold me.

We deal with death, but we also deal with life. A part of our lives that has come to life is the notion of starting a family. On Tuesday we met with a social worker and formally applied to become adoptive parents. This was the other cat I mentioned that we're now letting out of the bag. Angel & I left the meeting feeling so excited and encouraged by all the supports we learned that are in place for adoptive parents. The workers are with you every step of the way, even just to call you up to ask how you're doing. From counseling to medical benefits to a child care allowance, they bend over backwards to help make adopting succeed for the parents and children. The application process will be done some time early in the new year, and by this time next year our lives could be changed in a radical way. This is a good thing!

So, I guess with all the stuff life has thrown our way we can truly say that God gives us His love, and blesses us in hard times. I'll end off here with the words of Jesus, found in John 16:33. "In this world you will have trouble. But take heart! I have overcome the world."

Stay'n with the cousins

2008-09-28T14:45:00.002-06:00

Well, after a few weeks of it I think we can let one cat out of the bag. One of the new things that has been going on with us is that Angel and I are, and will be til the new year, spending some time at Harvest Vineyard, our old church. Before Angel & I came to Calvary Baptist we were involved in the Vineyard movement way back when it came to Edmonton in the early '90s. We were at Harvest for its first ever church service and the then pastor, Mark Wallenburg, performed our wedding ceremony. Our 2 years there was a time of transition for us, as we had left the church we first met at and started our own life as a married couple. For me Harvest was a place where I was introduced to teaching on God's unconditional love, and the Fatherhood of God - stuff I had never heard before in the few years since I had become a follower of Christ. It was a time of healing and planting of Kingdom seeds in my life, but Angel & I sensed that Harvest was not home for us. As good a place it was to be, we felt we were supposed to be elsewhere. That's how we ended up at Calvary in '92, and has been our home for the past 16 years.

A lot of water has passed under the bridge in that time; we've seen changes in the church and changes in our own lives, and yet in all those years there was one thing that remained constant for us, that Calvary was our home. We always thought it would be our home, and while the prospect of pastoring in a church somewhere out there was exciting we knew we would miss our home church. As I had mentioned before, the prospects of me going into vocational ministry had dried up and the last six months has been a time of laying everything down before God. Where do you want us? What do you want us to do? Where are you at work so we can join you in that work? As those questions were batted around in our minds and prayers we began talking about Harvest. You see, when we moved into our neighborhood two years ago we found out that our old church had moved into a school just a few blocks away from our home. Now we know that God placed us in our community very intentionally, and we want be a blessing to our neighbors. So then maybe Harvest fit in the picture too, but we don't know for sure.

So, after touching base with Harvest to see what their involvement in the community was like, talking with the Calvary leadership and lots of prayer, we have made the switch to Harvest. The people we've talked with at Calvary have been very supportive, even if they feel sad that we're leaving. But I need to clarify something here, and that is we aren't sure if we are supposed to be there permanently. In fact we're not sure of much these days... But we do feel that we're supposed to be at Harvest for the time being, so we're giving it three to four months and hopefully by January we will have a good idea of the direction God wants us to go. In the meantime we're getting settled into a Kinship (small group), met with Pastors Don & Ruth Rousu and have started making connections with the people there. There are some people that we knew from Harvest started way back in the day, but the vast majority are strangers to us. So it's kinda weird to feel at home in a place that's so unfamiliar; maybe it's because they do church pretty much like Calvary does. But most likely it's simply because Jesus is there. As well there's a connection between Calvary and Harvest in that Calvary has several ex-Harvest folk, and vica versa. So really we haven't left home so much as we're spending time with extended church family - the cousins if you will. And only time will tell before we know if we move in permanently with them or head back to the place we've loved to call home.

Is God involved?

2008-09-14T18:38:00.004-06:00

I just finished reading a book that had been recommended to me by my pastor. It's made it to the New York Times #1 best seller list, and it's name? The Shack. The popularity of this book has been spread by word of mouth mostly, and many people have been touched by its message. The storyline goes something like this: a man with a history of being abused by his father looses his daughter in a brutal murder, which takes place in a shack deep in frontier country. He's never gotten over it and his relationship with God has suffered since. One day he receives a letter, and apparently it's from God who invites him to the shack. He eventually goes back to the shack where, amazingly, he meets God - face to face. The story from there on is about healing, redemption and learning to trust God even in the face of terrible loss.

However, the book does have its detractors. The author, William Paul Young, has been accused of being a universalist, a heretic, etc. which I find completely unfair. He's made his position clear in an interview with Servant Magazine (a publication of Prairie Bible College) that he believes that Jesus is the only way to God; how then does this make him a heretic is beyond me. While I think there are a couple of things in the book that I would question, overall I'd say it gives great insight into the heart of God. Basically it challenges our preconceived cultural notions of who God is (especially how we see Him as our Father) and what His nature is like. As well it challenges the reader by asking two questions: In the face of great loss and suffering, is God good, and is He involved?

For me I'd have to say that the answer to the first question is unequivocally yes. But then faced with the second question I honestly had to say "sometimes." My experience of God in this area has been sporadic, and I know that we cannot go by experience alone when learning about the heart of God. Yet, for instance, I've prayed for the healing of others and have seen results but I have yet to be healed of my infertility. I've asked the question, "Where is God?" when I've had troubles, and while I have sensed His presence I at times have not seen His intervention. This is important for me to reconcile, because as Paul Young said the two questions are like two legs we need to stand on. If one isn't there then it's pretty hard to stand, isn't it?

Recently Angel & I were at a Kinship group (a house church) and were asked to be prayed for. Without giving the specifics of what we are going through recently we said yes, and the man who prayed for us prayed a prayer that was right on the money. As we're at a time of change and transition we felt like we were pulled in many different directions, and the Holy Spirit directed him to pray specifically about this matter (we had never met this fellow before nor did he know anything about us, so his insight had to have been supernatural). What the Lord said to this man was that this was to be a time of rest, and that we eventually would know for certain where God wanted us to go. You would think that this would move my view of God's intervention more towards the yes side, but I still have a ways to go yet.

In my head the answer to the question of God's involvement is yes. I just wish I could see it a bit more often...

Season of change

2008-09-01T09:03:00.006-06:00

I know that many out there are lamenting this, the unofficial end of summer (for my foreign readers, we consider the May long weekend - Victoria Day - the start of summer and its end on our Labor Day weekend in September). But for me, I love it. Autumn is my favorite time of year. For some reason my mood just picks up, and for me this is very important considering my past struggle with Clinical Depression. I find I sleep better; maybe it's to do with the decreasing amount of sunlight and cooler weather. But it's still warm during the daytime and I love the fall colors, even though I hate raking them up... As a kid I loved fall because of Halloween and the anticipation of Christmas, and maybe the kid inside of me is jumping up & down because of that! But it may be because fall is a time of change and new beginnings.

Two years ago today marked a new beginning for me and Angel, as we had taken possession of our then new home. The place was a disaster, a real fixer-upper let me tell you. Holes in the walls, a smashed window, furniture left behind, mildewy laundry left in the washers and dryers (2 of each), stained carpets, linoleum peeling from the kitchen floor and the piece-de-resistance: an unplugged chest freezer with a fish in it! But thanks to the efforts of many people, both friends and family, we got the place cleaned and fixed up. Today we enjoy living in a modest but cozy home that we love to show off to guests, and we give God the glory for blessing us with it. It truly is a miracle that we are here (and if you don't know the background on how we got the place then click here).

Today Angel & I are entering into another season of change, as there are two (maybe even three) big things that are happening in our lives. What are they you may ask? Well, you may ask but I'm not ready to let the cat out of the bag yet. This is because we're not quite sure what the outcomes will be yet or what they will look like for us down the road. But they are big for us and will be big for others. It's kinda scary, sad and exciting all at the same time (and if you're worried that we are moving away you can rest easy - we are staying put where we are). Some of it has been a long time coming and some of it hasn't been expected and... ok, I think I'll stop there. I've peeked enough curiosity for now I'm sure. So I'm going to get on with my day here and enjoy the warm weather. I hope to do some muskrat watching later today in the park and Angel wants to do Ikea. But stay tuned for further updates and hopefully you will share in our excitement.