Baby steps

It's a warm Thursday afternoon as we walk up to the door of a large home. Ringing the bell sets off a chorus of dog barks, and we are let in by the foster-mom. Dale is in the entry way to greet us too, but our eyes are caught by a small girl standing at the top of the stairs. She smiles and waves at us, and I look hard at her. She looks quite different than her picture, but it was apparent that this little miss was none other than Jessica. Her smile and wave put us at ease, and we chat a little before presenting her with a couple of small gifts. She is just beautiful. "How are you feeling about all this?" I asked. "A little weird" was her reply. "Me too" I said, and with that Jessica went off to play with nerf-guns with her foster-brothers. The adults are sitting in the dining room having coffee, and eventually I hit on an idea. "Hey, you guys got an extra gun?" And before I know it I'm in a wild firefight with the kids. It was a good ice-breaker, where Jess felt comfortable poking me with a toy gun and giving me some of her Halloween candy. But otherwise her response to us was guarded; no hugs (which is healthy at this point), we were never called mom/dad or even by name, and I was introduced by Jess to one of her foster-brothers as her new foster dad, then she corrects herself. At this point I realize that we are, in her mind, just the latest in a long line of parental figures that have come and gone.

Day two. Jess is sitting on the front lawn and greets us by name before shooting us with a nerf gun. We have a good chat and I showed her some pics of our cat sleeping on her bed, which she awed over. She quite likes the stuffed cat we gave her, but has yet to settle on a name for it. Once again she's off to play with her foster-siblings before supper. At the table Jess sits between me and Angel, and the interaction with the foster-boys makes things fun. At one point even Jess and I got into a little poking and ticking match. Up to now things seem to be unfolding well, but little do we realize that things will soon go south. After supper Jess goes downstairs to watch TV, and eventually Angel & I joined her. After a half an hour we notice that Jess is shutting down; she's curled up in the corner of the futon and now she doesn't like to be tickled. We were just about to get up & give Jess her space when Dale came to check on us. Seeing what's happening, she asks for a moment alone with Jess. Five minutes later Dale comes up and informs us that Jess is in panic mode. Adults are the enemy we are told, and we leave for home feeling like we took two steps forward and three backward.

Day three. Jess is all smiles when we arrive, and the scared little girl we left the night before is nowhere to be seen. We make some small talk and ask if she's feeling better than when we left her. She says she is, but that fearful look on her face last night is still burned in my memory. Today we got to supervise her Saturday chores & routine: teeth brushed, hair combed, bedroom and bathroom cleaned and homework done. As with the first two days she is bouncy and wired, and needs simple instructions to keep her focused. Angel & I take turns making sure she's on task, and while Jess cleans the bathroom she tells me what she learned about chemicals in school. Then, after everything's finished she retreats once again. While she's going through her Ipod in her room we grownups are chatting in the kitchen. Well, everyone except me. My stomach, which has been feeling sick all week, feels like it took a sucker-punch. Finally I ask Dale, "You've seen a lot of placements happen; how do you think this one will play out?" She wisely avoids answering the question, as she can't make any predictions. We're taking baby steps she says, and then asks how we're doing. One of Dale's roles is to encourage us, and she does a good job at it.

Lunch is served, and once again Jess sits between us. This time there's not much lively interaction, and she finishes her food quickly before dashing off to play again. But there were signs of her warming to us again. At one point in the afternoon Jess comes & sits on the couch beside Angel and stands beside me in place of her foster-brother, who wisely refused my invitation to get close so I could rough-house with him. Our visit ends with a trip out to the park where we all played a game of "Grounders", a version of tag played on the playground equipment, and whoever is it has to keep their eyes closed. It was a fun way to finish our day with Jess, and yet when we left there again was that look of fear on her face. But those baby steps Dale talked about were taken, as today Jess called us by name but referenced us to others as mom & dad . Like yesterday and the day before, we leave physically and emotionally exhausted. It's much harder to connect with this little one than we thought, but in spite of the difficulty we're determined to press on - at Jessica's pace.

Locking in our final answer

Last night a little girl was told she was going to a forever family. This was a day that her new mom and dad, who she hasn't met yet, have waited for months to come. For her the news came with some fear and excitement, but fear mostly. It's a new and scary time in the life of this little girl, and her mom & dad have prayed for the peace of Christ to be with her. When she was told the news her new parents wrote a letter for her to read, and this is what it said:

Dear Jessica,

You don’t know us as we haven’t met before, so we’re writing this letter to introduce ourselves to you. Our names are Hendrick and Angel, and we would love to become your new Mom & Dad. We know that this is very sudden for you, even though we know that you’ve been waiting for what feels like forever for you to be adopted. Dale has told us a lot about you, and we feel like we know you even though we haven’t met. We know this may not sound fair since you don’t know anything about us. So let us tell you a bit about who we are. Both of us are 39 years old (which sounds ancient to a 10 year old!); we are Christians and we’ve been married for 18 years. Hendrick works with handicapped adults and Angel works in an office, but she plans to take time off so she can focus on being mom. Hendrick likes swimming and reading, and is about to graduate from a Bible college. Angel is pretty creative; she does photography, crafting, likes to cook and we both like to sing and go camping.

We have no children of our own and would love to give you a home to call your own. In this home there is a room all set up just for you and we have a cat named Spunky who loves to play and cuddle. There’s a pool close by and a park across the road, with a playground in summer and a big toboggan hill in winter. Lots of kids live in our neighborhood, some your age and some younger, to play with. But if you like to play indoors we have lots of stuff like a foosball table, a Wii and plenty of board games to have fun with. Our family is big but there’s always room for one more, with lots of new cousins, uncles, aunts and grandparents who would love to make you a part of their lives. We go to a church with lots of kids. How do you like the idea of going to Sunday school with them? The people in our church are very kind and the idea of you becoming a part of our family makes them feel very happy.

But how do you feel about becoming a part of our family? We know this is a big step for you, and that you probably have a lot of mixed feelings about it. Everything we’ve described may sound so wonderful and strange all at once. You may be excited and scared, happy and sad, all at the same time. But you know what? We feel the same way too! We would love to become your forever family, but we also know that it won’t be easy for you and it might not be easy for us either. We may not be the parents you expected or dreamed about. But we promise you that we will love you no matter what. The fridge will always be full, the bed will always be warm and safe and the hugs and kisses will always be there when you want them. We will do our best to listen to your feelings, give you a shoulder to cry on and help you to become the person you want to be. Most of all our hope and prayer is that you will know how much God loves you and how precious you are in His eyes

We look forward to meeting you finally, and believe us it’s been hard for us to wait. Over the next few weeks we’ll get to know each other better, and your foster-parents and your friend Dale will be there to help us all along the way. And as much as we would like to adopt you as our daughter, we hope you would like to adopt us as your mom and dad. See you soon.

Love,
Hendrick & Angel,
Your new Mom & Dad

We wished that we could have been a couple of flies on the wall to see the reaction for ourselves, but we had to settle for an e-mail from her worker. Here's clip from that e-mail:

Jessica (who prefers to be called "Jess") went through the album with curiosity and looked at each page closely reading who each individual was. She had a smile on her face when she read that she would be a part of choosing the color for her walls and decorating her new room. As was expected Jess has some mixed emotions regarding moving, she indicated that she was scared as she really likes it at her foster-parent's, but still wanted her own family.

The photo album mentioned is one that we were asked to put together for her. In it were pictures of us, our home and our families. This gives the adoptive child an idea of what her new life will be like. Speaking of pictures we have yet to receive any yet, and we're anxiously checking our e-mail for them. I'm sorry to say that once we get them we won't be posting them on my blog, for reasons of privacy. But what we're even more anxious about is meeting Jess on Thursday... for the very first time...

She's 10 years old and wants earings...

Well, we're in the home stretch. Today we met with Jessica's foster-mom over lunch, along with our adoption workers, to talk about what home & school life is like. It was a good meeting with lots of questions and discussion. We talked about things like home routine, behaviors & consequences, friends, activities, how well she expresses her thoughts, feelings and wishes, etc. Speaking of wishes, Jessica has made an adoption wish list - things she would like to get and do when she's with her forever family. Check this out:

1. Ears pierced
2. Figure Skating
3. Camping
4. Siblings
5. Christianity! (Catholic preferred)
6. Swimming

With the exception of siblings there doesn't seem to be much of a problem here. However I have to confess that one thing stuck out for me, and that was the ears pierced. My first reaction was something like, forget it! Now I realize that I sound old fashioned here, as I am well aware that girls are getting their ears pierced at a younger (and younger) age. So when I went back to work this afternoon and mentioned my hang-up with the ear thing I got the razzing of my life! It was all in good fun, but I was keenly aware that my views were in the minority. Even Emery, who is our oldest driver at well over 70, said it's ok nowadays. The only person who agreed with me was a client who's non-verbal, and nods at everything you say. Oh well, I guess we'll cross that bridge when we get there.

The list also mentions her likes and dislikes. Under the "likes" column she put down crafts, sewing, baking, swimming, 'girly things' - hair do's, etc and pretty dresses. It sounds like we're getting a "girly-girl", but apparently there's a bit of a tom-boy in her too. Dale thought that Jessica would bond well with Jenelle and Rayleen, as they're both in their young adulthood but not too much older, so they can all do the girl-thing together. And Angel is into crafts & baking herself, so I think the two of them will have some fun times together. But there was one thing on her dislike list, and that was - wait for it - mustard! I thought to myself, "If that's the only dislike she's got then we're going to be fine!" Of course there are other issues besides mustard we'll have to contend with, but that's a pretty easy one to deal with.

So now all the meetings are done, and we have 72 hours before we are allowed to "lock in" our final answer. This is so that we have time to think things over and make a logical decision. Well last weekend we went to Jasper to take in the sights and think about things based on what we already knew. Coming up with a reason why we shouldn't adopt Jessica was like trying to come up with the answer to an exam question that for the life of you you can't find. And nothing came up in this meeting that changed that. We were picked out of a total of 11 families and were told that our strengths outweighed the other 10 combined. We have a strong support network and are willing to work with the supports Jessica already has in place. I could go on and on about all the rational reasons, but there's a heart one that honestly outweighs them all:

Simply put, we have fallen in love with a child we haven't even met yet. And, unless if something comes up that brings everything to a grinding halt, we will meet with her next week - for the very first time.

Turbulence

Have you ever embarked on a journey that didn't have some bumps on the road? Well life, as we travel down the adoption road, has gotten very eventful - and that's a mild way of putting it. When you take a life altering event like adoption and throw in a bunch of other stuff that seems to happen all at once, life is no longer boring. And believe me, we could use a little boredom right now. But let me start with the latest adoption update: we had meetings yesterday with a couple of professionals who work with Jessica, which were quite productive. We gained some more insight into the life of this remarkable little girl and we learned a few strategies on how to help Jessica deal with her stuff. We also learned that her mom & step-dad have given up any legal right to access, with the exception of a couple of letters sent through the adoption registry. The adoption registry is like a post office where you send letters to the birth family, and they to you. The letters are vetted so that any identifying information (mainly one's whereabouts) are kept private. So basically this means that aside from birthday and Christmas cards there will be no contact with her birth family, which considering Jessica's history is best for her. But once she's 18 she can search them out if that's her choice.

Ok, so what else has been going on with us lately? Lots of stuff! The mayhem started over a month ago when we had to put one of our cats to sleep, which was just before we started the process of having Jessica placed with us. It's never easy for a pet owner to make that decision, but Spiffy was old and really sick and we didn't want him to suffer anymore. We will miss our old man kitty cat... Then of course there was the thing with my heart. Now since that time I've had another test, where I wore a heart monitor for 24 hours last week. The thought that I was developing a heart problem, just as we were about to start a family, could not have come at a worse time. It could have potentially derailed the whole process as Children's Services will not place anyone with a parent with a serious medical condition. But it's looking like everything's fine now, as I learned that my echo-cardiogram came back ok (and no, I'm not pregnant either). As well if I didn't hear anything this week about the heart monitor results then it means that no news is good news. However, as a precaution my family doctor says I can't have any caffeine anymore. That was a blow let me tell you! No more coffee? Coke? It's the end of the world as I know it. You may as well put a gun to my head & pull the trigger! Well ok, it's not that bad, but I'll keep that in mind as I cut down on my double-doubles as Tim Horton's.

Then a few weeks ago we received a letter from our condo board, stating that they want Angel's honorarium, which she was paid for service on last year's board, returned. We suspect this has more to do with the bad blood between the people on this year's board and the board Angel served on, as the by-laws they are using to justify this action are pretty vague. So for now we're getting some legal advice and, if we are in the wrong, will have to pay back the $325 Angel received 10 months ago. Add that to the car repair bill we recently paid, plus a big vet bill for our other cat, who had to go to the animal hospital last weekend because he had a blockage, and it amount to a sizable chunk of change. In spite of our financial situation we're still going to Jasper next weekend; we considered canceling our trip but in the end felt it was important to go as they recommend it as part of the adoption process. But wait, it gets better! Angel, who has been slated for surgery, got a call yesterday saying that she was supposed to come into the hospital for the procedure next week! Needless to say this was not acceptable, as it involves a 6 week recovery for her that we were expecting would happen while she was on parental leave. Thankfully they were able to reschedule it for some time after December, after Angel phoned the hospital back and explained our situation.

Another big event that takes place today is that we are saying goodbye to someone who is close to us, who is going away and won't be back until the spring. I'm not at liberty to say who he is or where he's going for reasons of safety and privacy. But suffice to say he will be missed, and we will be praying for him and looking forward to his return. So in a nutshell we are, as Angel like to put it, experiencing turbulence. As someone said when we told our story to our our mid-week home group, we don't know how to do anything quietly these days. But we know that we aren't alone as we face these challenges. We are so blessed by the people who support us; our family, our friends, our church, and even all you blog and facebook creepers out there who read this stuff. Even though we face a lot of different losses we also look forward to what we will gain. This morning as I was spending time in prayer and the Word I had a sense that God was restoring the wasted years, the "years that the locusts had eaten" (Joel 2:24-26). This applied not only to us adopting an older child, but also to Jessica, who for years has never known what it's like to live in a stable home.

In spite of all the circumstances and the ever changing emotions we experience (excitement, fear, anticipation, depression and joy) we are pushing forward. We may be tested and even attacked by the evil one, but we know that God is greater than all these things. I can't wait to look back on all this and see how God has brought us through it all.

And I can't wait to meet Jessica.